The A.R.T. of Baby Making

Melting Away and Dreams that Melt my Heart

2012-02-08T11:29:00.000-06:00

It's been a bit over a week since my last update, and I am proud to report that I continue to lose weight! My total loss to date is 15.2 lbs! My pants are feeling really loose and coworkers and acquantices are starting to notice the weight coming off! Hallelujiah! I couldn't be happier!

The NY Giants won the Super Bowl this year, last time they won was the year hubs and I got married. I have high hopes that this win will be an indicator of even better things to come this year!

And if that is not enough of an indicator, perhaps this little email shared with me by an old friend today was enough to give me the warm fuzzies..It was so bizzarre, I had to share. I just received the below Facebook email from a friend I haven't seen in nearly 20 years. We are FB friends, but just really casual, meaning we don't really speak on a regular basis and it's our only form of communication. Read on:

Hey Lady! What's going on?? OK Don't think I'm weird...I had a dream about you the other day (no, not THAT kind of dream!) It was really vivid but good and positive. Then I drove my kids to school this morning and the song "Dazzey Dukes"came on the radio, which totally reminds me of YOU! Now... is there something going on that I should be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers? Please don't think I'm a freak but this has happened to me a few times before. LOve you lots!!

..

20 minutes ago Kim

HA! You are so cute! Well nothing I am aware of that you should be praying over. I did have surgery back in December (a laparoscopy) and they found endo and removed it, and said our chances of conceiving go up over the next 6 months! So hopefully your dream is a premonition of some sort? I also found a diet to lose weight after not being able to for the past 3 years, so I am ecstatic! This year is off to great start! :) Dazzey Dukes!! teee heee, love you! Thanks for sharing your dream even though you left out the details...but if it was good, I hope whatever it is come true :)

..

6 minutes Karyn ........I will tell u because now I know. Basically I was with you and you were praying to Mary (mother of God). And literally right after we talked the doctor called you and said u were expecting a girl! And u said u were naming her Mary. I know that seems crazy. But I have had other dreams just twice before and they always came to fruition! I will keep u in my prayers and I KNOW a miracle is on its way to you! I am so glad you are doing well!! :)

..

about a minute agoKim

I LOVE YOUR Dream!!!! OMG! I hope it comes true - :) Thank you for sharing, you just made my day! And thank you for your prayers :)

Karyn ......Start a novena to Mary today please!!!

..

Control Tastes Delicious

2012-01-28T14:19:00.002-06:00

You may wonder where I have been - well I have spent the last week dabbling in my new diet, experiencing what it actually feels like to have control over my own body again. It's been so long, I have forgotten how delicious it tastes. Hallelujiah!

I recently mentioned the new HCG diet I was going to start in some of my last posts, well It's been a little over a week. I spent the first four days of the plan "loading" which is actually just eating lots of food, building up your healthy fat stores. I did my best to eat mostly healthy foods, but I also used it as an opportunity to indulge in some things I wouldn’t normally dream of, because it made it easier to reach my goal each day, and quite honestly it felt naughty, a good kind of sinfully naughty. I loved it! Some of my favorites, were the homemade gluten free cheesecake I made and had for dessert all four nights - packing 23 grams of fat per slice! I might make a cheesecake once a year, if that...let me tell you, I was in heaven! The other fave was a whole fat milk mocha from Starbucks, with whip! That packed a whole 23 grams of fat! Yowzer! By the time the four days was up, I was so full and kind of disgusted, that I fully embraced the next phase of the diet.

I am currently in Phase II, Monday will be one week in this phase. As of this morning's weigh in, I am down 8.4 lbs! Yes, you read that right...I have dropped 8.4 pounds in less than a week! As I have mentioned before, this is pretty rapid weight loss plan, and the more you have to lose, the more you will lose in the beginning. However, I did find out shortly after starting, that those who are Hypothyroid and on meds will lose at a slower rate than others. I discovered this when I noticed girls posting their weight loss each day (who started the same day as me) losing 2x or 3x as much as me. Initially I was disappointed and maybe even slightly irked, but then I reminded myself how long it has been since I have been able to lose weight on my own, whether through diet or exercise, and then I was again pleased with my progress. I think comparing yourself to others is just a mentally negative trap that I can't allow myself to slip into. So I won't go there, I will just celebrate my success! If you want to follow my weight loss, I do post my losses on my Facebook page daily, so feel free to stop by and see my timeline. The link is the right side of my page.

My goal is to lose 80 pounds total, (well technically now I only have 71.5 to go!) so this will be a long journey. I will not be losing as rapidly as the first weeks progress moving forward and will therefore need to do several rounds of this plan before I hit my goal. You can only stay on the low calorie plan for 40 days maximum, so at that point I will have to shift in Phase 3 and then break. If I have to stop and return during IVF (and/or pregnancy) that is fine, I will do what I need too. I am just absolutely thrilled to have found something that works for me.

The food choices are limited, so I am trying to be as creative as possible, I even purchased a couple Kindle HCG recipe books, that has helped. I basically eat lean proteins (chicken, beef, fish and seafood) veggies (limited, low carb ones) and fruits (grapefruit, strawberries and apples). There is a carb option but because I am gluten free, I just don't bother with it, it's only melba toast or something similar.

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On the fertility front, I am CD 27 today. I should have a perfect 28 day cycle, as I randomly decided to use an OPK around ovulation and the one and only one I used was positive, which means I ovulated right around CD 14 - hooray! We did time ourselves perfectly, and for a brief moment, after starting to have success with weight loss, I started to freak out at the thought of getting pregnant this cycle, just when I had found a way to take the weight off finally! Of course I prefer a baby over losing weight, but in the perfect world, I prefer to get pregnant on my own, after losing some of this extra poundage! I'll take whatever I can get - beggers cant be choosers right?

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The HCG diet does not allow heavy exercise on the plan because your mineral stores are pretty low as well as the calories and so you don’t want to start burning muscle if you use all your fat as energy. So I was advised that I can only do light activities. Yoga, and walking. I have been doing both...but I will say it has been rather nice not having to be out the door so early for boot camp and my cardio workouts. I have been able to take my time in the morning to prepare and pack my healthy meals. It's been so nice.....I will resume my normal workouts while I am in Phase III. Hopefully by then I will miss them. :)

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My 41st Birthday is approaching in just a couple weeks. How do I feel about it? Way better than I did about turning 39 or even 40. My mind and heart (and faith) are in a different place now. I feel like I have grown, and I have no reason to panic. I think it helps that my older sister fell pregnant at the age of 41, without trying. It gives me hope and inspiration. I think back to the day I found out and how angry and bitter and jealous I was. What awful things for your mind and heart to be filled with. It really tore me up. Perhaps had I viewed it differently then, I would have found it inspiring, and allowed it to make me feel hopeful. Sometimes we can completely misread the message. As my yoga teacher said in class yesterday, we don’t have to struggle....we can go through situations and challenges in life and make a choice whether to struggle through it or not. I struggled for so long, perhaps I needed to so I could arrive to where I am today. There is always something to be learned in the struggle. Lesson learned.

Free Online (Fertility Yoga) Classes and Follow-up Appointment

2012-01-12T11:52:00.004-06:00

The other night I took a free online fertility yoga class from the comfort of my own home. I really enjoyed it. My yoga teacher of 5 years began teaching online classes last week using Learn It Live! I tried it out and enjoyed it –so I started searching for other free classes that were available when I ran across the fertility one. The teach, Laura, is actually a yoga teacher at the famous IVF clinic in Colorado that Giulianna Rancic went to. Some of her students online are receiving treatments from that clinic as well. The really neat thing about the classes, much like blogging, is there are people from all across the world in them, I really like that feeling of being connected.

If you are interested here is the link to give it a try. The evening I took the class, I got home from work, changed into my yoga clothes, threw dinner in the oven before class and by the time it was over, I was ready to eat! Can’t beat that!

http://www.learnitlive.com/

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I went for my follow up appointment with my naturopath yesterday and I actually bumped into one of the girls who referred me to her, what a pleasant surprise! My appointment went well, she ran a scan which showed a bunch of improvement in many areas, compared to the first scan. I got everything I need to begin the HCG diet next week (I just have to take 4 more days of my detox pills).

I cannot wait to begin this journey of weight loss, I have been trying for so long (5 years) to no avail and I feel confident that this is the solution for me. I will document the journey, as I have much weight to lose, I might not be able to lose it all before IVF and I have to decide if the weight loss is important enough to push out IVF or if I should pause and break for IVF and then continue afterwards. With my 41st birthday quickly approaching I think the baby is more important, but I also cannot under estimate the value of a healthy BMI, generally speaking, but especially going into pregnancy. I won’t get too far ahead of myself though, one day at a time, one pound at a time.

Oh and did I mention I am sick? For the first time in years? Here is a post I wrote on my Facebook page the other day (you can link to it from the right side column of my page)

"I'm sick and happy about it!!! I caught a cold from my husband for the first time in years! You see, my autoimmune disease had my immune system in overdrive for years, so I would not catch anything going around and always thought it was because I was so healthy with diet, supplements and exercise. Then I was diagnosed with autoimmune disease and realized that I wasn't getting sick because I WAS sick. I was curious if having the endo removed would simmer down my immune system and it appears that it has! My husband would be sick for a week next to me, sleeping in the same bed, my peeps at work would come in sick and I would NEVER catch it. This is a HUGE milestone for me and hopefully a good sign of good things to come. It's like an infertile getting morning sickness, she doesn't care, she welcomes and embraces it."

For the first time, in a long time, I feel really optimistic and like things are slowly falling into place. I really have high hopes for this year, it's been a long time coming.

Shot in the Dark

2012-01-09T10:25:00.009-06:00

I have been promising to write about my new naturopath doctor for a while now, so here you have it. Better late than never right?!

A few weeks ago, I had my initial consult with my new naturopath doctor. She too has been confronted with rapid weight gain as a result of thyroid issues and infertility. As much as I don't wish either on anybody, it's somewhat refreshing to work with somebody who can actually empathize with my situation on many levels.

I received not one, but two separate referrals to see her. If you remember correctly, I swore off seeing any more doctors, about two doctors ago. When I discovered that Dr.Hero wasn't really helping me, I figured I would give this Dr. a shot. I think I will call her Dr Shot (in the dark). Because really, at this point, that is all this is, is one last shot in the dark before IVF.

I was forewarned about her Star-treky far into the future advanced testing and rather then trying to understand the technology behind it, I would see what the test results showed me and compare them to my previous blood labs and testing and see how valid it was. The technology is hard to explain, it's called Asyra testing which is bio-energetic testing...basically you hold onto to these two metal handles attached to a device that is connected to a computer - the test reads the frequencies in your body during a 4 minute scan which then spits out a detailed report that accesses all the data fed to it.

"The Asyra Pro is the future of healthcare. Indicating the energetic state of internal organs, food sensitivities, environmental sensitivities, nutritional needs, hormonal balance, toxin response and much more."

Here is a video of a doctor explaining the Asyra test:

Asyra Testing

While what the report told me was not anything new, the fact that it knew all that it did based on the frequency reading was astounding. What did it tell me?! That I have thyroid issues, adrenal insufficiency, low cortisol, gluten sensitivity and much more (all of which has been diagnosed previousely through tests). Mind you I hadn't shared any of my previous blood labs or tests with the doctor yet. Beyond that, it even told her that I had a hip that was out of alignment....I was floored. If you remember, a few months ago I injured my right knee. Because I limped for so long, I threw my left hip out of alignment, and because of the knee injury, coupled with my recent surgery, I haven't spent much time in the gym, including yoga, so I have not been able to heal it myself. I actually physically feel the hip pain every day and have been meaning to schedule a chiro appointment. Imagine the look on my face when she told me I need to get that adjusted?!? I was sold at this point.

Example of Asyra Report

While she wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know, I figured I could trust this test to also provide me with the right solutions. Rather than just handing me supplements, she had me bring everything I was currently taking...then placed it on the testing device while grasping the test handles again. The test told her one of three answers... if the supplements were a) not helping me b) helping the symptoms but not the root cause c) addressing the both the root cause and symptoms. Some of what I was taking fell into each category. Then, rather than doing a one size fits all fix, she tested all different brands of different supplements before having me take any of them. I loved this!!! In addition, any food allergies (except for gluten) are being addressed by taking some drops for 3 weeks while avoiding those foods. When I return Wednesday for my follow-up, if all went well, I will be able to consume those foods again. I cannot even begin to explain the science behind it, reading the article about it was difficult enough. My friend's daughter had issues with stomach pains that no doctor has been able to diagnose over the past year, and within the first couple appointments of seeing Dr Shot, she was already on the mend.

During my first appointment, Dr Shot asked me if I ever tried the HCG diet. For those of you who don’t know, yes it's the same HCG that we trigger with during infertility cycles, except in much, much much lower doses. I was always leery and afraid of messing around with my hormones during a time that I was struggling with infertility and seeking treatments. Over the course of the past year I have had a couple friends who have done this diet and lost 30 lbs on it in a short amount of time. Both suggested I try it, knowing my struggles with weight loss, I just never researched it thinking it wasn't the best solution for me, I honestly thought it wasn’t healthy. Imagine my surprise when my doctor suggested this diet to me?! I laughed and said, no do you think it's healthy? That’s when she let me know she had done it herself with much success (lost 40lbs) when nothing else worked for her either. So I decided to research it further before making a final decision.

Over the past couple weeks I found out some interesting things about the diet...yes it’s a very low cal diet that restricts you to 500 calories a day of specific foods which only includes proteins and veggies and limited fruits, which would otherwise be unhealthy, if it wasn’t done in conjunction with the hcg. The hcg actually does two things- it tells your brain/body that you're not hungry, (and you're really not) but it also tells the body to go out and use certain fat stores in the body, up to 2500 calories per day of them. And that is how the weight loss is so rapid - 1-2 lbs per day. You are restricted to either a max number of days (40) or pounds lost (35) (whichever comes first) so your body can take 6 weeks off from the hcg while still adhering to Phase 3 & 4 of the diet. That gives your body time recover and not become immune to the HCG. Another interesting point I discovered during my research is that some women end up pregnant during or after doing this diet. Now if that’s the worse side effect of this program, then sign me up! I actually understand that this diet/hcg works with the hypothamlus - sending and receiving information. I have mentioned before, that during all my homepathic treatment and tests, that the hypothalomus kept coming up as an issue, but I was never really sure how to "resolve" that. During a few of my accunpcture appointments, whenever Mr Shelly hit my hypothalomus points in the body, I became very uncomfortable, wanting to scream in pain. The Asyra test showed issues with it as well. If there is indeed a misfire or communication breakdown in my body, it is my hope that the hcg will restore it somehow.

I want to do 2 rounds before we do IVF (if we even have to do IVF). It's refreshing to see that doctors of all kinds have tried this program, and it works for everyone I know. There is a girl at work that I was so jealous of a couple years back, because I would see her in the gym every time I went and she was shrinking at this incredibly fast rate and I was not. She ended up losing over 100 lbs and I found out last week from another co-worker that she was actually doing the HCG program, again, very inspiring. This program has been around for 50 years. Initially it started with injections, but since has prescription drops available as well as homeopathic drops. From what I have researched, the homeopathic version is equally effective as the shots, so that is the course I plan to take.

My follow up appointment is Wednesday, at which point I will ask for what I need to get started (hopefully). I was going to wait until after my birthday to start, but I am so eager to finally lose this weight, that I decided to jump into this weekend, if I get the drops on Wednesday. There are 4 phases to the program which can take up to 12 weeks from start to finish for one cycle. If I want to get in 2 cycles by IVF, I will have to start now. I haven't felt this excited and inspired in such a long time. 2012 is going to my year of success!

2011 Recap and Forecast for 2012

2012-01-03T12:10:00.010-06:00

I'm really not sure where the past year went, it's hard to believe we are in the beginning of yet another New Year. Life has been good, we have no complaints. On this very day in January of last year we found out our cycle had failed. It wasn’t the best way to start the New Year, but it also wasn’t the worst. It just wasn’t our time yet.

In early April, we finished our Master bath remodel. Ok so truth be told, there is one more thing we need to do yet, (replace the linen closet door) but I swear we will do that first thing this year!

Master Bathroom Remodel

In August we took a family vacation with hubs family in Outer Banks NC. We rented a beachhouse, soundfront and spent most of our days beach front, in the pool or in the ocean. Everybody came and I threw a Luau party one of our last days there which included a true pig roast, grass skirts and coconut bras! Fun was had by all.

Luau Party Outer Banks NC 2011

In June, we grew our family by one adogable fur baby, Bogey Ferris Freitas. He was rescued from the Lonestar Bulldog Rescue and has been such a joy to our family. It was not an easy transition, there were some growing pains, which included lots of laundry from peeing accidents and adjustments to diet and feeding schedules. We think we finally have it all figured out (knock on wood). Bogey has skin issues which we believe are food/allergy related, so he, like mommy, is on a grain free diet. He is a snuggler, loves to be close to anybody who will allow him. He likes to back it up, always coming at you butt first. Him and Gizmo get along great, Roxie doesn't bother with him much, nor he with her. She made it very clear from the begining that she was queen of the castle. Once they had an understanding, all was well.

In June my third nephew, Jake was born, it saddens me everyday that I dont have a relationship with him:

Hubs was promoted at work, he still manages the account for the City of Carrolton. He likes his job, which is a bonus. I am still working on the Yum account. We have another year before our contract is up, I too am happy with my job. The commute to the new building, since we moved in January, is half the distance of the old office. I get to drive all of the side roads and that makes my life stress free. I never realized how stressful the commute was until I didn't have to do it anymore. I'm still loving the new office!

New Work Office

In October we took a weekend excursion to Beavers Bend OK for hubby's birthday. It was somewhat of a fail (read about it here) , but we had fun none-the-less:

Beavers Bend OK 2011

I am still doing volunteer work with Childrens Medical Center, but only through Pizza Hut, who is now an official co-sponsor, so as opportunities arise through work, I get involved. The last event I worked was the annual parade in downtown Dallas - so much fun! We are also volunteers with LoneStar Bulldog rescue and help with special events and Fundraisers. In addition, I have registered for an orientation training to volunteer with City House which is a local safe shelter for children and families. I requested to work with infants, taking them for walks, cuddling them and whatever else is required to care for them. My orientation is on my birthday in February.

Childrens Medical Center Holiday Parade 2011

I had a hysteroscopy earlier this year and laparoscopy a week ago which included a repeat hysteroscopy and dye spill test. The doctor found stage II endometriosis as well a couple fibroids and adhesions on my right tube. The adhesions did not cause a blockage, as the spill test was fine, but they removed them along with the endo. The fibroids were left behind as they were small, on the outside of my uterus and impacting our ability to concieve. The prognosis? We have improved chances, however IVF is still recommended due to my age. I guess I'll be seeing more of this guy!

Mr Dildo Cam

The 3-9 months following a laparoscopy tend to show increased pregnancy rates, so it is our hope that if endo was contributing to our Infertility issues, that we could fall pregnant on our own. In the interim, we are saving up money to pursue IVF in the summer, if need be.

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Reflecting back on the past year, we feel blessed and grateful for all that we have. Despite our inability to conceive, I have learned to trust in God's timing. I continuousely receive little reminders that there is a greater good taking place and to trust in that unfolding. That alone has made the past year more much more bearable than the previous two, where my struggle was much more apparent and difficult. Learning to have faith has brought about a renewed sense of hope and a much more calm demeanor. I believe, I trust in God's plans for us.

One of my Favorite Scriptures

We hope that the past year has been good to you and your family. Remember that there is the most growth in the struggles and hard times, and that what appears to be a set-back is usually a set-up. God wants more for us than we can even dream of for ourselves. Dream big, have faith, give to others, live with joy, love one another and be blessed.

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Looking forward, the upcoming year will be one of changes. No more struggling. I am trying new things to get myself to my goals of fitness and health, spirituality and motherhood. Stay tuned, as you watch the weight melt off me this year – I feel very optmistic about my doctors new recommendations which I will be giving a try in a few weeks. Also in the summer, we will start an IVF cycle. In April we will take a local trip to wine country and in the summer, hopefully another family vacation. This year we plan to get lots of visitors from family and friends. Its going to be filled with lots of happiness and success on many levels....much like the warmness of the sun casting down on my face, I feel it in my bones.

Compliments of Google Pictures

Announcements

2011-12-30T10:48:00.001-06:00

A dear friend of mine whom I originally met on Two week wait forum, found out she is pregnant with twins last week. She has been trying for over 3 years which included a couple early losses as well as failed cycles. Please stop by her page and send her some love. We all know how frightening the journey is, even after the first positive test or U/S with heartbeats. I have been following Babatte since the begining of my journey and close to the begining of hers, so this particular announcement is near and dear to my heart.

You can visit her fairly new blog here.

Also, on the right side of my page I have added a link to follow me on Facebook, where I will make links to my blog updates, or just make shorter comments/posts, without having to post a full blog. Please Like my page if you would like to follow me there.

Post Op Appointment

2011-12-29T14:18:00.003-06:00

Today was my post op appointment with Dr CM. We went over the pictures she took from surgery, showing the endo, adhesions and fibroids. I really don't have a trained eye for it, so thankfully she explained to me what I was looking at. I did have a beautiful liver :) I did get to see the uterine ligaments that you hear stretch in pregnant women, pretty interesting to see from the inside.

The adhesions on the right side were between my ovary and the uterine wall....in a way they were potentionally blocking the release of any eggs on that side. I always found it interesting that I could feel myself ovulate from the left side but never the right side. My original HSG (dye spill test) showed inconclusive results for the right side spill years ago. I have to wonder, in hindsight, if that spill was being slightly blocked or distorted by the adhesions, which deemed the test results inconclusive? Dr CM said that's very possible.

So a few questions I asked:

1. Could the endo have been the cause of our Infertility?

She felt yes, that it could have been a contributing factor. She wouldn't come right out and say it was the cause, but I think because of my age, they are always going to contribute that to our lack of success. I however, remain in denial and believe that the endo was the problem at least in the first couple years of trying.

2. Do they see improved pregnancy rates after a laparoscopy in which endo and adhesions are removed?

Yes - in the first 3-9 there are improved pregnancy rates.

3. Does she think we should try any other treatments before pursuing IVF?

No, at my age, she suggests moving directly to IVF.

4. Would her findings of Stage II endo, play into her decision of what protocol to use for our IVF cycle?

No, she is debating to between a Flare Protocol and Agonist/Antagonist Estrogen Priming Protocol. It will depend on some of my lab results taken closer to our cycle. She did say (again) studies are showing that women with higher testoterone levels during their cycle are showing better results and higher pregnancy rates. With that said, she did want me to take the DHEA again and hubs will be taking antioxidants to improve his already good, but borderline sperm motility.

5. Will the endo come back?

It can, estrogen feeds the endo, so while it's likely, it's also less likely as women age and their estrogen levels drop naturally.

6. Is endo considered autoimmune disease ? Or was it exasperating my already pissed off immune system from Hasimotos Hypothyroidism?

There is still not alot known about endo, although there is tons of research being done in this area as we speak. She said the same thing as my other doc said, the age old question, which came first, the chicken or the egg?! We don't know if endo causes autoimmune reponses or if autoimmune disease allows the endo to sneak attack. So many unknowns.

In closing, she took a baseline blood draw to see where my testosterone is today with no DHEA in my system, so we can compare it down the road after taking DHEA for a few months. She would like to see how I physically respond to it, on paper.

We are pretty much set to go, June/July is our target date to start our cycle - she said to make sure we start out supplements before April and touch base with her again to run a couple tests to determine the protocol. In the interim, I will have everything (but my legs) crossed in hopes that we can miraculously conceive on our own and if not, that we can miraculously conceive with the help of doctors. I tol a friend the other day, statistically speaking, the odds are not in our favor, either way- but rather than focusing on that number, I am going to focus on the possibilities.

Merry Christmas | Feliz Navidad | Buon Natale | Feliz Natal

2011-12-22T09:58:00.002-06:00

Our three furever babies!

Post Op - Observations

2011-12-19T09:46:00.006-06:00

What I have learned since surgery:

The chest/shoulder pain from the carbon dioxide is worse than the pain from the surgery.
Because of that, the vicodin was much more necessary than I thought it would be.
I think I went through some sort of withdrawals when I stopped the vicodin – experienced really bad headaches and teeth grinding.

My incision follow up appointment is next Tuesday and next Thursday is my post op appointment.

I was told no sex for a week, (which happens to be the week I am ovulating!) so next cycle we can resume activities. I have read that anywhere from the first 3-9 months after surgery is the best to try again (which was the same for the HSG) – so that times out perfectly with our timeline to start IVF. If we are lucky enough to fall pregnant over the course of the next 6 months, and have to forgo IVF, you won’t hear any complaints from me. I don’t know how accurate this statement is, about improved chances, so I’ll take it with a grain of salt.

The endo was removed but can and probably will grow back – that’s just the way it rolls. I am trying to decide if the endo has exasperated by my autoimmune issues or if my autoimmune issues have kept the endo at bay? We all know I have autoimmune disease, so my immune system is in auto drive, but what came first the chicken or the egg? Was my autoimmune system in over drive because of the endo? Or my thyroid? And then it helped keep the endo at stage II? I guess I’ll never know. I do wonder if my immune system will calm down now that the endo is gone?

I also read there is a endo friendly diet which I have been following for years, coincidentally (or not) and therefore that could have kept it contained to stage II, but again this is all new to me so Im not sure if any of my theories are legit.

I experienced minimal bleeding – just the first day and then some spotting. I did see the blue dye spill into my kotex (which I did not see when I had the HSG). I have seen tissue passing in the toilet.

I am grateful for the anesthesiologist who used a small breathing tube this time, last surgery my throat was destroyed for weeks. I let him know and he took extra caution and my throat does not hurt one bit.

I went to see my new doctor last week, the Asyra tests confirmed a bunch of what we already knew, weak thyroid and pituitary, low progesterone, and adrenals. She has me on a some new supplements to help support that. I’ll write another post about this appointment as it was too much information to try and organize into writing right now. I will mention though, I am concerned that if I end up pregnant, I won’t know which one (surgery or new doctor or both ) was responsible for my success, but I suppose at that point, it really wouldn’t matter, now would it?

I do wish I pushed for this surgery years ago. If you’re on the fence about it, and you suspect there might be issues, I would say go with your gut. Knowledge is power.

Post op pics: I have two incisions, one through the belly button and another on my lower left pelvis area. I did not post pics of the lower left because the incision is so tiny and there is no brusining. The bruising on the belly shot below looks bad but I assure you, I have been sorer from ab workouts any day of the week - than I am from this surgery.

Day 1 Post Op

Day 3 Post Op

Lap Results

2011-12-16T19:12:00.002-06:00

I am home resting after my lap. Dr. CM found and removed Stage II endo and some adhesions on the end of my right tube. She did a dye spill test, both sides showed spills. She also did a repeat hysteroscopy, inside the uterus looks good. I did have two fibroids on the outside of the uterus that were small so she didn't touch them, not sure why she would just remove them?

Any thoughts on whether this discovery explains my infertility, or will help us at this point? I'm thinking the endo was contributing to some of the autoimmune issues I have been experiencing. Off to research some. Share your thoughts and stories please.

Busy Exciting Week

2011-12-13T10:19:00.004-06:00

This week is going to be filled with Dr. visits. Tomorrow I have a pre-op appointment for my lap with Dr CM. Thursday I have a new patient visit with Dr. O, she is a new naturopath I was referred to by a couple different people. I am hopeful she will be able to help me with on going health issues. Friday is my laparoscopy. I am very excited about all of the appointments and perhaps being able to start the new year off with some information or news that will lead me a few steps closer to optimal health and having a baby.
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Over the weekend, we put up our outdoor Christmas lights, I made freezer raspberry jams, purchased and put up the Christmas tree (still have decorate it), did a bit of shopping and went over to our friends to watch the Giants vs the Cowboys game and make some bath bomb salts. A fun time was had by all :) Oh did I mention we attempted to go find the hotel that the Giants were staying at? A friend at my work found out where his team stayed when they come from out of town and got a bunch of pictures with the players. So I wanted to go meet Eli and anybody else I could, so yes, I got dolled up, put on my Giants gear and had my husband chauffer me around town ~~stalking~~ trying to find them. God love him! We didnt find them but saw on one of the sports channels the next day that they stayed at a hotel we drove past but didnt stop to see if there was tour buses there :( Oh well, maybe next year!

Here are some of the jam jars I made:

(Recipe, Tutorial & Labels found on Pinterest)

And Outdoor Christmas Lights:

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I experienced an allergic reaction to the antiobiotics the dentist put me on last week for the parasites she found. My cheeks became swollen (inward not outward) and eventually began to hurt and tingle. I also experienced some dizziness and a rash. This was the first time in my life I ever had an allergic reaction to anything, which is really upsetting me because I know its just another sign of my immune system misbehaving. And the fact that I didn't want to take the antibiotics to begin with doesn't help. With my upcoming surgery I will have to let them know I did not fair well with metronidazole.

___________

Here is a bio for my new doctor I will be seeing this week:

Dr O. xxxxxx BA, BA, CNHP, NTP, MH, Traditional Naturopath

Dr. O is extremely motivating and loves to enable people to reclaim, maintain and sustain their health and vitality. Trained as a traditional naturopath, she believes that healing takes place on several levels: nutritionally, physically, emotionally, and through the environment they are exposed to on a daily basis. Her goal is to help people heal and discover new approaches to healthier living on every level. She serves the whole family with a highly individualized approach.

She has earned a double Bachelor of Arts degree in Biology/Pre-Med and English from the University of New York at Albany, plus credentials as a Certified Natural Health Professional (CNHP), Nutritional Therapy Practitioner (NTP), Master Herbalist (MH), and holds a doctorate in Naturopathy from Trinity College of Natural Health. She is also a member of the American Association of Nutritional Consultants (AANC) and is constantly involved in continuous education and research.

She creates wellness profiles that will map out a bio-specific plan of health for you and your family members. She allocates state of the art body scanning through the ASYRA system–a class II medical device that helps evaluate parameters of health by identifying the underlying root imbalances of dysfunction. Her services include: non-invasive testing for food and environmental allergy/intolerances, heavy metals, toxins, pathogens, structural issues, and metabolic/digestive functional disturbances as well as gentle detoxification protocols, comprehensive nutritional assessments, immune system support, weight loss, sport specific nutrition, neurotransmitter evaluation, natural hormone balance, nutritional blood chemistry evaluations and several other avenues of natural health guidance. She has the ability to create customized homeopathic remedies in office for all ages.

Dr O loves anything outdoors, especially the ocean and hiking. She is completely addicted to books and education. She will forever be a continuous researcher. She feels blessed that her husband is the love of her life and that they have the awesome privilege of raising their three sons together.

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We are planning on doing IVF next year, probably around May or June. In the interim, I will be doing all I can to get healthy and save money, 2012 will be the year that determines our desitny. IF will just be a distant memory (with scars to prove it) after next year. It will be interesting to see it all unfold in the months to come.

Friday, December 16th

2011-12-05T12:26:00.000-06:00

I am FINALLY going in for a lap on Friday December 16th. I am pretty excited to check this off my list. I've had many doctors convince me it's not worth doing, but I just can't mentally move forward with an IVF cycle until I do, especially after Lisa's recent findings. Next year I will start off with a clean slate, or uterus, or bill of health, however it turns out.

What I Have Been Up To

2011-12-02T21:44:00.005-06:00

I broke up with Dr Hero....I have spent 6 months with him and while some of my numbers started to improve, I'm still not loosing weight and I'm still not pregnant, those are my two measurable markers of progress. My patience is growing thin.

I have been in contact with Dr CM (my RE) to see if she would perform a laparoscopy, I am having my husband drop me from his insurance policy which we fully used to cover diagnostic IF procedures, seeing how we have tested pretty much all we can over the past two years. After Lisa had the procedure done and found a slew of issues, I felt the need to make sure we turn every stone before pursuing IVF. My surgery will be done before year end.

I have been praying for guidance on what to do with the IF journey. While I have experienced this overwhelming sense of calm...with my 41st birthday approaching, I feel like we need to "crap or get off the pot". The number sequences, which I believe is my angles guidance, keep showing up for me (111, 222, 333, 555, 777, 888) like crazy!!!! Well today Dr CM's call rung on my phone @ 2:22. I immediately looked that up and here is the meaning:

222 - Our newly planted ideas are beginning to grow into reality. Keep watering and nurturing them,and soon they will push through the soil so you can see evidence of your manifestation.
In other words, don't quit five minutes before the miracle. Your manifestation is soon going
to be evident to you, so keep up the good work! Keep holding positive thoughts, keep
affirming, and continue visualizing.

The 777's are showing up like crazy too:

777 - The angels applaud you, congratulations, you're on a roll! Keep up the good work and know your wish is coming true. This is an extremely positive sign and means you should also expect more miracles to occur.

I went to the dentist today for my 6 month follow up and she found parasites in the saliva slides she viewed under the microscope. Please do NOT whatever you do, google parasites. I want to throw-up. (as though seeing it n the slide wasn't bad enough) She is a naturopath dentist but recommended antibiotics for me and my husband so we don't transfer it between one another. I don't like antibiotics, especially with my leaky gut, but I don't know that there's a better method, or if there was she probably would have recommend it. So I will take my probiotics and get it over with.

I will be seeing a new naturopath Dr in 2 weeks. I have been waiting for my appointment for over 6 weeks, I am very excited, was referred by two separate people. I will post more on that soon.

I designed our Christmas cards for this year and will be ordering them...I will post one on here as a virtual card for all of you when I mail them out. Lets just say they are adogable! ;)

30 Days of Thanksgiving - Day 21

2011-11-21T14:17:00.001-06:00

Yes, I missed a few days, but I am sure to count my blessings every day, plus life has me busy lately! It seems my prayer list has grown to an all time high in the month of November. Lots of surgeries, illness and people who need to be uplifted in prayer.

Today I am grateful for my ability to help others. Sometimes finances can get tough, especially with medical costs, however we always have a way to help those in need.

Over the last couple days I began a fundraiser for some family members who could use some help. Recently, Steve was diagnosed with Colon Cancer, he is currently under going chemo treatments, kicking cancer in the butt! Before he even began his second round of chemo, the family received news that their fur baby Lucy, had two torn ACL's, both requiring surgery. Sometimes, when it rains, it pours and I know the Phillips can use our support. The last thing anybody should have to worry about while battling cancer is financial stress. If you feel inclined, please join our fundraiser efforts to help pay for Lucy's surgeries by donating, stopping by to share a few words of support, or sharing her page on face book (Love for Lucy) ! Your support is very much appreciated!

Here is the direct link to the Fundraiser page: http://www.giveforward.com/loveforlucy

30 Days of Thanksgiving - Day 18

2011-11-18T19:38:00.003-06:00

My husband was previously married before we met. He didn't have children so the divorce was pretty clean cut, except his ex wife didn't really want to move on right away. The phone calls didn't stop for a couple years and I never once got involved or spoke to her. I trusted that my husband could handle it and somehow make her go away. She had moved to another state, as soon as they separated, we just needed her to emotionally detach. Well that took a long time. And the one thing that upset me most through it all was the fact that she kept his last name.

She and I shared the same circle of friends ( because of him and I working for the same company) and so unfortunately I would have to see some of her utterly ridiculous comments on Facebook on the friends pages that we shared. I always cringed when I saw her name with his last name.

I really feel like taking your husbands name is an honor and privilege, so if you divorce it's no longer your privilege to keep your spouses name. Well she felt the need to keep his, for whatever reason, until yesterday when I discovered she finally dropped it after 5 years of separation. Hallelujah! I hated having the negative connection to her, it felt like negative energy, I feel like our ties have been completely severed.

So today, I am thankful when we are able to let go and move on with our lives, especially after past hurts. Holding on just means delaying the healing process. When we find acceptance, we find freedom, for ourselves and others.

30 Days of Thanksgiving - Day 16

2011-11-17T05:23:00.001-06:00

Super thankful that mom made it out of surgery ok, and that my friend made it out of emergency surgery last evening, both on the road to recovery. Phew.

Mom had total knee replacement, my friend Libby who I have mentioned on here many times, had ovarian pain, went to the emergency room and they found a huge mass (larger than her uterus) - thankfully it was just scar tissue from a previous surgery years ago where she had her appendix removed, however it engulfed her right ovary and tube. She had a cyst on her right ovary that ruptured into this mass and had nowhere to go so it was causing the pain. She lost her right ovary and tube as a result. She has had some really abnormal cycles and we knew something was wrong all along, but nobody really listened to her, I think one doctor told her to go back on the pill. :| so glad we might have answers now. please pray for a quick recovery for both my mom and Libby.

30 Days of Thanksgiving - Day 15

2011-11-15T18:16:00.000-06:00

Today I am thankful (and tickled pink) to be wearing flip flops in mid November.

30 Days of Thanksgiving - Day 14

2011-11-14T21:18:00.003-06:00

I am so thankful to be blessed by the grace of God, otherwise I would be one hot mess!!!

30 Days of Thanksgiving - Day 13

2011-11-13T18:00:00.000-06:00

Sundays, I usually grocery shop and do laundry, but for the most part, it's a day of rest for me. I like to cook while sitting around watching football, during football season. I am grateful for this day of the week, because all other days I am packing in a 40 hr work week, plus 8 hours of exercise, plus meal prep, house cleaning and 8 hrs of sleep per night. It can be very challenging to balance it all and not neglect one particular area of my life.

30 Days of Thanksgiving - Day 12

2011-11-12T22:06:00.000-06:00

Over the past decade of my life, I have pursued opportunities to serve the community through volunteer work. Some of the organizations I have worked with include:

Big Brother & Big Sister Orange County
Dress for Success Dallas
Children's Medical Dallas
Lonestar Bulldog Rescue DFW

And most recently I have submitted my paperwork to begin with City House . They won't begin another orientation until next year, looking forward to getting involved there. There is a position available to work with the babies, reading stories, singing, rocking, walking, etc. I can't wait to begin!

I am so grateful to be able to serve.

30 Days of Thanksgiving - Day 11

2011-11-11T20:59:00.001-06:00

Thank you Vets! Although I do not believe any one persons life is any more or less valuable than anothers, I am grateful that you have risked and sacrificed yours, for mine.

30 Days of Thanksgiving - Day 10

2011-11-10T20:35:00.000-06:00

Today I arrived home from work to dinner in the oven. Beyond thankful for my husband who has some mad cooking skills, he never stops providing for me, any way he can.

30 Days of Thanksgiving - Day 9

2011-11-09T15:25:00.005-06:00

Throughout my extended season of infertility and other medical issues, I have crossed paths with many women of faith who have inspired me, and illustrated what it means to trust in Gods timing . Some of these women walk similar paths as I, others do not. Regardless of how or why we are connected, I am grateful that the Lord has placed these women in my life, so that I can flow through this season with grace and gratitude. The blessings keep coming down.

Below are some of my favorite blogs of women with faith. They lift me up:

Hannah from: http://ngowhitcombfamily.blogspot.com/

Kacey from: http://hisplannotmine.blogspot.com/

Stacy from: http://www.samuelmay.com/

Joannah from: http://beautyforashes-joannah.blogspot.com/

Bobbi from: http://www.thejohnsonsjourney.com/

Sue from: http://mrssuelee.blogspot.com/

Jess from: http://bringingyoumorethanasong.blogspot.com/

Tiffany from: http://thepiferfamily.blogspot.com/

JellyBelly from: http://frustrationstation-jellybelly.blogspot.com/

Jessica from: http://huckoann.blogspot.com/

Kecia from: http://clothedwithscarlet.typepad.com/clothed_with_scarlet/

Karey from: http://allyouwhohope.blogspot.com/

Noelle from: http://noelleplatt.blogspot.com/

I realize this is a pretty extensive list, but I promise you, if you aren't following any of these ladies, who are each at different parts of their journey's (some not even from the IF world), then you're missing out on reading and following the stories of some pretty AMAZING women. xoxoxoxoxoxox

30Days of Thanksgiving - Day 8

2011-11-08T18:38:00.000-06:00

‎I use our full size gym at work between 4-5 days per week, and on M-W-F, I use it twice (before work and lunch). This is a perk of working with the company I am contracted with....which makes me grateful for my job as well as this gym. I use it for cardio, boot camp, yoga, strength training, kickboxing and whatever else might interest me. I can shower right at work, and even get laundry service to boot. "Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live." ~Jim Rohn

30 Days of Thanksgiving - Day 7

2011-11-07T09:16:00.004-06:00

This morning when I left for work, I noticed the leaves had completely changed colors on one of our trees. I love when the seasons change, and you can see this beautiful and natural occurrence take place, just like within each of our own lives. Each season of your life has its own unique and beautiful attributes, the object is to enjoy whatever season you are in and make it the best time of your life! Don't be fooled by circumstances, there is beauty in, and an end to every season. "To Everything turn turn turn, there is a Season....."

30 Days of Thanksgiving - Day 6

2011-11-06T14:50:00.000-06:00

‎Sunday mornings I usually go grocery shopping at Whole Foods. I am so grateful to have easy access to local, organic, fresh whole foods. I have come to appreciate the value and importance of eating to live instead of living to eat. Food is medicine, choose your medicine wisely, make sure it's not poison... there are isles and isles of it (poison) out there. Shopping only around the outside perimeter of the grocery store is the secret to avoiding the bad stuff.

30 Days of Thanksgiving - Day 5

2011-11-05T19:00:00.002-05:00

‎Every Saturday, Hubs and I get up and go. Whether it be things we have to do, want to do, or nothing to do....we spend the day being together, and we always have fun. Nothing in the world beats being married to someone you can never get enough of. I am grateful for this marriage/partnership/friendship, and always look forward to our Saturday playday together. Keep counting your blessings, and watch them multiply.

30 Days of Thanksgiving - Day 4

2011-11-04T23:00:00.000-05:00

Today I am thankful for my ability to exercise and move my body around freely. After spending the last 5 weeks trying to rehab a knee injury, I have a better appreciation for the mere ability to move around with ease and without pain. Today I was able to do childs pose again for the first time since I hurt myself, that makes me oh soooo happy and beyond grateful.

30 Days of Thanksgiving - Day 3

2011-11-03T20:02:00.000-05:00

‎Today I am grateful for all the loves in my life. Every day you fill my heart and make it expand with your kindness, thoughtfulness, love and friendship. All of my most difficult and happiest moments have been shared with each of you, past, present, and future. Thank you for opening your hearts, homes and minds. ♥ ♥ ♥

A Season of Gratitude - 30 Days of Thanksgiving

2011-11-02T14:57:00.002-05:00

Ok, so really, more like 29 days of Thanksgiving -I am a day late! (ohhhh that felt nice to type, even though I wasn't actually referring to my cycle)

On facebook, inspired by my friend Libby, I am posting things I am grateful for, for the entire month of November. I noticed many blogs are doing this as well and seeing how there’s not a whole lot going on in my world, I thought I would play along.

Today I am grateful to be alive. Sometimes in the midst of our journeys and troubles, we can lose sight of this very basic (yet astounding) privilege. It’s easy to forget the simplest of blessings when we get caught up in our troubles and what we don’t have. Without life, we wouldn’t even have these worries or concerns. So I am truly grateful to be here, to breath, to get to live and share another day. Thank you Lord

“This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

Happy Halloween

2011-10-30T17:37:00.001-05:00

A couple weekends ago, hubs and I volunteered to work at a fundraiser for the agency we rescued Bogey from. It was their annual Bull-o-ween event so we dressed up the boy had a great time! He was so well behaved and got to meat a bunch of other bullies. Hope you all have a fun, safe & Happy Halloween!

There's a new sheriff in town

1.11

2011-10-28T11:56:00.002-05:00

That's my new AMH level. It is considered normal, but it did decrease from last year when it was 1.50. I had to chuckle when the nurse said that it was 1.11, considering I find that number meaningful.

Source : http://www.advancedfertility.com/amh-fertility-test.htm

Family Weekend Vacation (Gone Bad)

2011-10-25T15:35:00.002-05:00

The first weekend of October, we took a family vacation for hubs birthday weekend. Every time we go away we usually board the pups, and I always feel bad for leaving them behind, so I had this brilliant idea to take a weekend road trip and include them.

After lots of research, I decided on a “camping” trip at a beautiful State Park in OK, just a few hours away from home. We packed up the car which looked like we were leaving for a week, and headed to Broken Bow. The drive was beautiful, all country back road. The kids took a while to settle in, they aren’t used to being in the car and traveling for any long distances, the excitement had them panting and pacing for a while. Here is a picture of Roxie wearing the Birthday shades I bought and wore all day in honor of her daddy's Birthday.

Shortly before arriving to our destination, I lost the signal on my cell phone! I felt panicked, I don’t like being disconnected from the world. We pulled up to our luxury cabin in the woods and quickly noticed the unusual placement of the cabin. We were in the woods, but surrounded by a mixture of cabin rentals and mobile homes that looked like they might be used seasonally by hunters. Our cabin was surrounded by gravel and dirt roads. The cabin itself was gorgeous, I just had different visions on how secluded it was. The dogs did not like the gravel, we couldn’t get them to go potty outside and they were walking all funny on it. Here is the outside of our charming cabin:

While we were unpacking we let the dogs inside and the little one decided to poop on the floor, within minutes of arrival. Nothing like the fresh scent of dog poop! I quickly cleaned that up, got unpacked and we were all settled in.

That evening we BBQ’d some grass fed beef burgers on the grill and afterwards I baked a gluten free birthday cake for hubs birthday. The oven was electric and for some reason my cake completely over cooked following the instructions. Needless to say, the whole outer crust of the cake, was well, just that – crusty!

Crusty Birthday Cake

Later that evening we decided to soak in the jacuzzi on the porch. It was nice to relax and sit outside looking at the stars. It had been a long day, so shortly afterwards, we retired.

Jacuzzi on back porch

All during the night, our newest boy, Bogey, barked at every sound he heard in the woods. I think I might have gotten a small taste of what it’s like having a newborn around and lack of sleep. The dogs normally sleep in the laundry room at home and Bogey, we still crate. He was completely uneasy about being out of his element and boy did we pay for it.

Dishelevled Bogey

Around 5:30am I got up to use the bathroom and decided to throw him in bed with us, trying to squeeze a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep out of the morning. Within seconds of throwing him up there, hubs says “I think he peed”. I turned on the lights and discover a puddle of pee, quickly seeping through the coverlet, into the sheets and down into the mattress pad. Hubs jumps out of bed and we are now stripping the bed at 5:30am on a weekend! Fortunately our cabin had a washer & dryer so I quickly threw a load in, hoping the pee didn’t stain or damage the bedding. I then rummaged through some dresser drawers and found some linens that were suitable enough for us to lay on and under, in an attempt to go back to sleep. We might have managed to get another hour, if that before we decided to rise for the day.

Bed before the golden puppy shower

Upon sipping our morning coffee (yes I actually drank a cup of coffee that day!) – hubs confesses he could not go through another night of that, I agreed. So we decided that we would cut the trip short, spending that day there sightseeing and heading back home later.

Hubby had discovered the day prior, while doing a tour of the cabin, that it did not have a shower! How unusual, a full blown whirlpool tub for two, but no stand up shower. I did read in the guest book, from years prior, everyone raving about some great shower and then recent guests asking where is the shower everyone raved about. Odd.

The cabin was a couple miles outside the state park. I had injured my knee just a few days before the excursion, so we couldn’t do any hiking….we ended up driving around and touring the area. It was absolutely gorgeous there, so serene and hard to believe only a few hours from home. While we were out and about I had to pee (as always) and so we stopped at a restroom inside a park. It was basically an outhouse with yucky nats flying around so I peed as quickly as possible. Hubs was surprised I even used it, but when you have to go, you have to go!

After checking out the area, we headed back to the cabin and started to pack up to go home. When I jumped out of the car I felt wet on my backside. I discovered that I actually peed on myself while using the outhouse earlier and didn’t notice immediately. I remembered feeling a little damp but thought that it was just a dampness from the air or something. I had hubs check my backside and he confirmed I peed all over the back of my pants. I guess I didn’t pull them far enough down when I squatted and got myself. I have done this before when I was drinking, but never sober.

I ran inside and changed, then wanted to remake the bed and went to grab the linens out of the dryer. When I opened the dryer door, a bunch of foam fell out onto the floor and filled the dryer. The darn mattress pad fell to pieces in the dryer!!!!! I couldn’t even make the bed, I had to fold everything up nicely and leave it on the dryer.

Fortunately when I booked the cabin, I was wise enough to purchase insurance for any damages that may have resulted from bringing the dogs. It was only $25 and paid for itself. Although I don’t believe the mattress pad shredding was our fault, the dog peeing on the bed made us liable.

The trip didn’t turn out as I had hoped it would, but we certainly laughed a lot, because that’s all you can do when nothing seems to go your way.

Next time, if we were to return, we would stay inside the state park and leave the kids at home. Lessons learned.

Master Cleanse

2011-10-21T15:49:00.003-05:00

At the recommendation of Dr Hero, I did the Master Cleanse for 3 days (only). Most people do it for anywhere from 10 – 40 days. Thankfully I didn’t have to. All you do is drink a gallon of an organic lemon and organic grad b maple syrup concoction each day (he didn’t have me use cayenne pepper which is standard) - no eating. I did drink over 100 oz of water each day along with this beverage and an herbal tea each evening to make sure I kept things moving through the pipes. The idea of this was the detox my system, his email words to me “Regarding the leptin etc. I usually reserve the following for folks who are pretty insulin resistant, but I think it would be totally appropriate for you to do. It's a modified fast designed to kick start liver detox (although not a detox in and of itself), re-sensitize insulin and leptin receptors and kick start hormone-sensitive lipase (the first step in burning fat). No supplements are necessary, just need to follow the directions to the letter. You would follow this up with the 21 day ClearVite.”

So I gave it a try and was successful I didn’t eat for 3 full days! Actually make that 4.5 because I stuck to liquids (juicing and soup) the days following. Over the 4 days, I experienced a wonderful side effect of the cleanse/detox - I lost 9.5 lbs. The hope is that I jumpstarted my system, and I will now continue to lose weight. There were some unpleasant side effects, I did get a very thick white coating on my tongue. Dr Google says its toxins releasing. Pretty gross. I also got my period almost a week early. I quickly googled that as well, and believe it or not it’s very common, even with women on birth control had this happen during the cleanse. I suppose if your cleansing, our cycles are a form of that, I just never thought a cleanse could be so powerful that it could manipulate your cycle.

So now, the only downside is, I injured my knee pretty badly in boot camp a couple weeks ago and haven’t been able to workout at all, not even yoga! It’s killing me! I am going to physical therapy to try and heal the strain faster so I can get back in the gym without re-injuring myself. I have never injured myself to the point where I can’t workout and had to do therapy, it’s very frustrating. And once again, my timing is impeccable, right when I should be cranking up my workout to keep my metabolism going, I am borderline immobile.

CD 3 Test Results: Then and Now

2011-10-18T20:36:00.004-05:00

A couple years ago, hubs added me to his insurance policy because mine covered nothing IF related, but his covered testing. We used it to get tests done and my hysteroscopy, but at this point there's nothing left to test that makes it worth paying the high premium each month, so we decided to remove me from his Policy, effective Jan 2012. Beforehand, I wanted to run my CD3 numbers again just in case we do a cycle next year and then we won't have to retest out of pocket along with the expenses of a cycle. The tests are valid for 1 year, that buys us some time. My AMH hasn't come back yet, but my FSH and E2 did.

Exactly two years ago my FSH was 6.4 and my E2 was 82
Today my FSH was 6.2 and my E2 was 75

In between Those tests my numbers had risen a bit but not much, I think my highest CD 3 was 7.2 but my E2 was only 45. So my estrogen levels might be supresssing my FSH a tiny bit, but regardless I am pleased with the number, considering I am nearing my 41st birthday in a few months.

I am very interested in my AMH, it was 1.5 the last and only test I did about a year ago.

I realize we can't stop our biological clocks from ticking, but I do believe we can supresssing the rate at which it accelerates. I contribute that to an excellent lifestyle. Perhaps, just perhaps, all the disciplines and madness is buying me time. I certainly hope so.

If any of you have test recommendations for me to do before the year is up, please advise, I would love to squeeze them in over the next 8 weeks.

Infertility: Curse or Hidden Blessing?

2011-10-17T08:38:00.002-05:00

I just completed a 3 day Master Cleanse, so I am working from home today with some residual side effects. I will write more about the cleanse in another post. While sitting here working in my bed, I have the Today Show on in the background, when I hear the host say that Giuliana Rancic is there live with them today to make an announcement regarding her most recent round of IVF. The cameras went to her, and I could immediately tell something was wrong.

They interviewed her, and I was stunned to find out that the clinic she went to in Denver, required her to get a mammogram prior to proceeding with IVF. They won’t allow you to get pregnant if you have cancer because it can exasperate the situation. The mammogram showed a tumor, she has early stages of breast cancer. My heart melted, it was not the news I was expecting. Giuliana will undergo 6 weeks of radiation, the prognosis is good. She went through with the retrieval, but they cannot do the transfer until she completes this new journey.

She said that she always believed Infertility was happening for a reason, that hadn’t been revealed to her up until now. It could, essentially save her life, she had no plans of going for a mammo until she hit 40, she’s only 36.

I have to agree with her outlook and faith that often times, what we think is a curse, is really a blessing in disguise. I pray for her health to be restored real soon, so she can continue on her journey to motherhood. I believe she will be a mom, I believe we will all be mothers, some day.

God’s Fingerprints

2011-10-11T13:06:00.004-05:00

Last week my dear friend Libby invited me to a Charity Auction at work, Handbags for Hunger. I declined, funds were low and the entry fee alone was $35, and of course I would feel compelled to bid on something. She quickly decided she was not taking no for an answer and was purchasing my ticket, no ifs, ands or buts about it. After some resistance, I finally decided to accept (although I have a feeling, it really wasn’t my choice!)

Shortly after I arrived at the charity, Libby ran up to me and said she had invited another friend from outside of work who she wanted me to meet, and guess what? She is “one of us”! We looked all over for her and couldn’t find her, so I told Libby if she spotted her later, just find me, I would be there. Not much longer she located her and introduced us. An hour or so later we were still chatting. We had been to the same doctors/clinics, and she went through many failed cycles. She has been infertile for 10 years. 10 I said! And then guess what happened? She gave up, she stopped trying, stopped tracking, stopped everything. And as we sat there that very evening, she was glowing, with a beta result she just received that day which indicated she was pregnant, possibly with twins. I am waiting to hear back from her on her next u/s to confirm! A true success story sitting in front of me. A woman who understood my pain and heartache, the disappointment, the financial and emotional stress. And then one day she started feeling sick, thinking it was the flu, but weeks later still feeling nauseas and it never once occurred to her that she was pregnant, because she thought it was impossible. Who can blame her?! Imagine her surprise when her husband suggested she test and it was negative, but later discovered there were actually two lines on the test she was quick to throw away! And testing again, and again, in shock with the positive results!

Captivatingly enough, my new BIF was not going to attend the event either, for financial reasons as well. She had just found out she was pregnant and didn’t want to spend the money especially at an auction with handbags, who can resist?! However this little angel, Libby, Gods messenger, brought us together. Come to find out, she bought her ticket as well!! I have never met such a giver in my life! Did this not have God's fingerprints all over it?! And there we sat, at this charity event, drawn together by divine providence. God works in amazing ways. I made a new friend, we could empathize with each other’s journeys and we could celebrate her inspiring success story.

I still think 1-2-3 or even 5 years is a long time to wait for a baby, but sometimes His timing is not ours. Sometimes our journeys require much more time and patience than we ever anticipated. He can bring our dreams into existence, and during the wait, he can put the right people in the right place, to make our journey more bearable, and remind us of how powerful He truly is, for this I am very grateful.

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” (Psalm 37:4,7)

When a Season Feels Like a Lifetime

2011-09-28T16:50:00.006-05:00

As the seasons change, I naturally find myself reflecting upon what I have been through over the last few months, how I have bettered myself, all of my accomplishments and then of course what was left unfinished. This past summer was incredibly intense, emotionally and physically. It was long and drawn out, still seeping over into fall. As we transition from summer to fall, I have been thinking about how we are entering a new season however, yet again, I still remain in this season of Infertility in my life. It’s been 3 summers, 3 winters, 3 falls and 3 springs since we started trying. We have been through 12 seasons and it seems only right that this season of not falling pregnant should have passed by now. It obviousely has not, and led me to thinking about how this is possibly one of the longest seasons of my life. No wonder it often takes a toll on me, has me feeling stuck from time to time.

But then I thought back to when I was single before I found my husband. That was a long season….and honestly, I didn’t sulk in it, I enjoyed it to its fullest. It was 5 years of being single before I settled down with this sweet, lovable man. Yes, I knew one day I wanted to get married and start a family, but I didn’t have a sense of urgency, I didn’t feel like I needed to rush it, I trusted it would happen eventually and enjoyed my life fully until it did, and when I was finally ready, it did.

Another long season was completing my degree while working full time – that took 3 long years. I remember the relief I felt when I finally graduated, but I also remember thinking to myself what will I do with all my time now? (I don't like to remain idle, keeping my mind and hands busy at most times is neccessary to my well being) Well that so happened to be when we became engaged, and so I immersed myself in destination wedding planning for that next entire year. Fast forward to the wedding, all the planning was over and I thought to myself, what next?....... Get healthy and start a family!

And here we are…..nearly 3 full years later. This was the first time in my life I had a plan, that I couldn’t bring to fruition. What an unusual and uncomfortable place to be. So I began to ponder, why I couldn't be in that same place I was (mentally) before I met my husband? My happiness doesn’t depend on whether we have a child or not, nor did it depend on if I found a husband. At the beginning of this journey, I struggled for a long time. Reading back on some of my older posts, the pain seeps through my words. My heart was heavy and I was struggling desperately to find my way through this perceived hell.

But finally, through the grace of God, I was able to let go of the struggle over the past year…and even more so in the past 6 months. I have arrived to this place where I feel at peace. I do not need to know the outcome, I do not need to worry….this will happen in His time. I firmly believe that certain events in our lives need to take place in order for us to arrive to our destination. There are lessons to be learned, experiences to be had, obstacles to overcome, feelings to be felt……all of these things must happen for us to finally arrive.

I may have shared this story before, but I will share it again. I moved out to CA from NY in my mid-late twenties with a boyfriend at the time. The corporate headquarters of the company I was employed with resided there. I had been there on vacation with my boyfriend previously to visit his brother and loved it. Decided I wanted to move there. Asked my manager for a transfer and 30 days later we were living in CA. It happened that fast. He and I had been dating for years and while I didn’t necessarily have marriage on the brain, I felt that we were headed down that path and it would probably happen eventually. A couple years after we moved there, the relationship deteriorated and we eventually broke up. I was devastated. I moved all the way to CA with him and here I was all by myself and for the first time in my life, trying to find a place to live, on my own. It was frightening to me and I hated it, I hated being alone and grieving the break up. But not for long, it eventually became the best 5 years of my life. I loved being single, being 100% independent, living alone and enjoying life. I had made great friends and we spent lots of time together, life was good.

In the interim, there was this guy who lived in NY, who also moved out to CA to work for a company that one of his previous friends/mentors/bosses moved there to work for. She asked him to come out and work for her. So he and his best friend packed their bags and moved to CA and worked this new job. He had a girlfriend that he became engaged to and eventually she moved out there too and they became married. They stayed married for 5 years and then divorced. I worked for this guy and had no idea he had even gone through a separation or divorce, men are private like that. Right after all of that happened, my job got outsourced and I was laid off from the company. Another blessing, in disguise.

You see the guy I just spoke about, is now my husband. Looking back at everything that happened to both of us, to move from the same state and end up in another same state, working for the same company….for me to be laid off, break-ups, divorces - that’s what had to happen for us to meet, date and become married. He would have never dated anybody that he worked with, me losing my job is the only reason he considered. There are no mistakes or coincidences. We both went through some amazing, yet painful experiences, but in the end it led us to each other. This is just one of many beautiful examples of how I believe everything will unfold in its perfect timing.

And so maybe I do not have our child in my arms yet, but I am completely at peace with that. I trust that I have been led down all the appropriate paths and I could "arrive" in a week, month, year or years…who knows, but I will arrive, eventually. So while I am in this extremely long season, I will continue to make the most of it. There is so much more to life than waiting, it’s what we do with that time.

Try to think of an experience that you’ve had and how that waiting period might have seemed so long or even painful, but in hindsight it worked out perfectly. You will never forget how hard it might have been while you were smack dab in the middle of it, but you also probably would not trade the outcome for anything you had to endure along the way.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven; A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

Ecclesiastes 3:1,2,4

Feeling Fertile

2011-09-21T15:14:00.010-05:00

Since my last post I was able to find a subject matter expert on Leptin. His name is Byron Richards and he’s been studying Leptin since it was discovered, about 15 years ago. I purchased two of his books online (did you know ipad has a Kindle app you can read from? – LOVE IT!) and while I was already doing most of what he recommends, there was one major change I incorporated which was frequency of meals. His theory is that it takes 2-3 hours after a meal to get into fat burning mode, so if you eat every 2-3 hrs (which I have been doing, religiously, for the past 3-4 years) then you never truly get into fat burning mode. Well that could explain a lot, although I don’t totally agree because when I was able to lose weight a while ago, it was from increasing my meals to 5 per day. It's all so very confusing. But I think the bottom line is my body thinks Im starving, and I somehow have to trick it back into a natural rhythm, if that means changing my routine up, I am more than happy to comply.

So I thought, what do I have to lose? A bit of weight? No skin off my back, I’ll give it a try! And for the first time I am doing something that is free and wasn’t taking anything away from me. I merged my morning snack into my breakfast meal and my afternoon snack into my lunch meal. I make sure my carbs/proteins are 50/50 and I keep each meal around 500 calories. I eat my last meal at least 3 hrs before bed, because again, we become fat burning machines while we sleep, providing we don’t eat too late.

Over the course of the past week, I started sweating in the mornings while getting ready for work....I found it unusual, until I considered that maybe, just maybe, my thermostat was shifting in the right direction! In the morning would make the most sense because again, after 8 hours of sleep, thats when the most fat burning occurs. He recommends having at least 11-12 hours between your dinner and breakfast. I think my metabolism was shifting into a higher gear.

It’s only been 1.5 weeks. My first 1 week weigh in revealed a 2.2 lb loss. I am cautiously optimistic (a phrase oh so common to us infertile’s, who doubt anything could be real, that’s in our favor). I suspect I might be onto something, but my weight shifts so often, that I can't count my chickens just yet.

This morning I went to boot camp, it’s been 4 weeks since I was first pinched for body fat measurements. I asked her to re-pinch me today, which revealed a 10% body fat loss! So I am more of a believer, again not fully sold. My body tends to play awful mind games on me, teasing and tormenting me from time to time.

I'll keep you posted.

____________________________

The other day I started to experience lower back pain. I hadn’t done anything to injure it, so I found it unusual. The pain worsened over a 24 hr period, I even called in sick to work. It hurt to stand, sit or lay for any extended period of time. I don’t take pain pills, so I had to deal with it. Almost 2 days into it, hubs and I were having dinner when I start having pain in my left ovary. It occurred to me that it was probably a cyst and also the cause of my back pain. I decided to go to the doctors to get a u/s to confirm, however my ob/gyn takes forever to get into it, so I thought I would go through my RE’s office, who are used to scheduling ultrasounds last minute like a well lubed machine (I couldn’t resist!). Sure enough I called that morning at 7:00am when they opened and they were able to get me in by 8:30am! And not only that, but with my RE! I have to say I was a bit excited to see her again. I haven’t been there since our last failed cycle and I got the fast pulse and nerves just likes I did every time I pulled up there while cycling. I kind of felt like a crack addict! How can fertility clinics do that to a person?! It's such a high (and low).

So she does the ultra/sound and can’t find anything. The pain in my ovary had subsided, so perhaps I felt it bursting or collapsing at dinner? I asked her if it was possible that it collapsed, she said yes, but typically they would see the fluid. She said maybe I ovulated later than I thought? And that was just ovulation occurring? That would put me 7 days off schedule, so I find that difficult to believe, although I havent been tracking my cycles, so anything is possible. Color me confused!!!

Moving on...now color me surprised when she went ahead and measured my lining, and checked both ovaries to discover that I had an 11.35 lining and more antral follies than I could count! I was up to 12 on the right side. Both of those numbers superseded anything I had gotten out of medicated cycles. She looked at me a little giddy and said whatever I am doing is working well for my fertility. I was pretty excited, it made me want to start cycling again. So while I wasted $50 on the mysterious cyst that didn’t exist, I did get a snapshot of what’s going on inside my lovely lady parts and I am pretty darn happy ! I decided to run some CD3 tests this upcoming cycle, to see how my numbers are looking. I previously emailed her some of my recent labs from Dr Hero and she said it all looked good to her. He and I were concerned with the high levels of testosterone, but she said recent research shows that women with higher levels tend to have better outcomes with ART. She also said, as we age that number tends to decline, so she was really pleased to see mine so high for my age. It’s interesting to get two totally different perspectives from various doctors. Of course they each have their own agendas, so I wouldn’t expect them to agree. Anyhow, she proceeded to say that they have actually begun supplementing women with low testosterone while cycling to help improve their chances. Very interesting.

After I left the clinic I decided (again) that I want to try IVF, perhaps early next year. I haven’t heard back from any companies that I have applied at, so again, it’s time to grab the reins and act. My hope is that I am onto something with the leptin issue and will continue to lose weight…if so then I will be in much better shape for IVF than I was a year or two ago. If not, I still will be, regardless. The scale is not the sole measurement of overall health.

Hubs and I are going to do the max contribution on our FSA accounts next year, that should pick up a huge bulk of the cost. The rest we will save for. Seeing this new picture of my nephew on FB sealed the deal. I want one of my own, really bad, no matter the risks. If only we could be so lucky. A girl can dream, right?

Leptin Resistant

2011-09-09T13:57:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was my follow up appointment with Dr Hero. When he asked how I felt I said that I didn’t think I was any better off than I was the day I started seeing him. The only thing I have to measure progress by are blood labs, weight and fertility. I told him I would like to review the labs and see if they show progress, to decide how to move forward with treatment, if at all.

While reviewing the labs we noticed some improvements, in my estrogen levels, and other markers and ratios. My CPR (c-reactive protein) continues to drop which is a huge relief. I am still on the high side (out of range) but when I started this journey I was in the 6. 00 range and I am down to 3.04 which is major progress. High C-reactive protein in the body is a measurement of inflammation and inflammation is breeding grounds for so many diseases including cancer. People with high CRP levels are typically chronically ill.

During my last visit Dr Hero decided to test my Leptin levels, which have never been tested before. Leptin is to metabolism/fat burning what Insulin is to blood sugar regulation. Yesterday I received bad news. My leptin levels are very high, indicative of leptin resitance. What this means, is I am incapable of burning fat. Well that explains so much- it’s no wonder I have been spinning my wheels for years! Leptin is also in charge of reproduction, again that makes sense. So what’s the fix you say?! There isn’t one. My doctor is doing some research but, from all scientific studies thus far, there is no eastern or western cure for this. There is a way to increase leptin in people who don’t have enough, but no known way to decrease it in people who have too much. So, I left there feeling deflated. Scratching my head. On my knees, begging God for answers….because I don’t know what to do.

I have posted messages on a bunch of functional medicine doctors Facebook pages in hopes that they can point me to some expert. What I do find fascinating is that way back when I was doing acupuncture & acupressure, whenever she hit pressure points or meridians connected to my hypothalamus, I would go nuts (in pain) and so I always felt like I had an issue with my hypothalamus. Well wouldn’t you know that the hormone leptin, communicates with your hypothalamus???? So slowly all of my issues are tying together. I read that its common for people with autoimmune disease to have high leptin. I have to believe that I will figure this out, that I am closer to where I was 5 , or even 2 years ago, that I will be able to one day restore my health. And the bonus would be taking home a baby. Why does that seem so impossible?

Preparing for Now or Never

2011-08-30T10:10:00.002-05:00

I have been contemplating our next steps in terms of growing our family and the issues surrounding that. While I have done everything humanly possible to better my health, I do not feel like I have made enough progress to give myself the green flag with pursuing IF treatments again, I just don’t feel any confidence whatsoever that my health is where it should be. And I am not completing discrediting the work I have done thus far, I acknowledge the gluten free, dairy free, soy free, no caffeine, no processed foods, no plastic, exercise lifestyle I have embraced is great..I get that it makes me healthier than I was, however I don’t feel like my autoimmune issues are under control. With all of that said, I have decided to come up with a plan of action. If I wait until I am “better” then I might find myself sitting here regretting the things I didn’t do. While I might not feel comfortable shelling over 15-20K of our hard earned money to see if IVF might work, I can say I am willing to take the risk if it were covered by insurance.

In the state of TX the law mandates that insurance companies offer Infertility coverage to employers, however employers do NOT have to pass it along to employees. Seems ridiculous, hunh? Well it pretty much is, because neither my or my husband’s employer hopped on that bandwagon, no surprises there. However, there are a few select companies that have chosen to offer this option and pass it along. I thought yesterday, what if I get a job with a company that offers these benefits? As much as I love my job, I don’t have much career path advancement in my current position because it is unique in that I work onsite with the client on a contract where the positions are predefined in the contract. So there is no advancement from my current position. So why not kill two birds with one stone? Find a new job that offers some coverage on IVF and Adoption and make a career move! Well that is exactly what I am doing, I have begun to research it. I did find a major company around the corner from current office that offers many, if not all , of the same perks as my current position and they have an opening that I am a perfect match for! I submitted my resume yesterday.

It’s difficult finding out what companies offer IF coverage but if you google it enough you can find out pretty much anything, the only issue is determining how current the info is. Does anybody have any tips as to how to obtain this info? Is this information that HR departments would share? I did find the list from conceive online of the top 50 companies and have been scanning that as well. (http://www.conceiveonline.com/articles/top-50-fertility-and-adoption-friendly-companies-us-list)

With all of that said, I have emailed my RE and asked her what additional tests and protocols can be used since my new autoimmune diagnosis. I have also begun searching for new adoption agencies and requesting information. Hubs thinks we can pursue both avenues at once. At my age, it’s probably not a bad idea.

Two Steps Forward, 10 Steps Back

2011-08-22T11:28:00.003-05:00

Not sure If I mentioned this last post, but while on vacation I was exposed to gluten. Oh yes I remember now, I did say how it made me sick for 2 days. It was awful….but what is worse than that, Is I am still experiencing residual effects of the exposure. You see what happens in an autoimmune person is, the gluten exposure causes an autoimmune flare up. Well in my case, one of the symptoms of that is hair loss. Crazy mad hair loss. I was just to a point where my hair had stopped falling out and was actually getting thicker. And my nails were growing in strong, both great signs that my body was absorbing the nutrients it needed from my diet. Well, I could cry, I have lost so much hair in the past three weeks. It’s everywhere, in the shower, all over the bathroom, in my brush, bed, clothes, car, desk…you name it. And it’s not just a strand here or there, its clumps. I finally emailed Dr Hero and asked what I should do? How do I make it stop? Well I have to go back on my initial program, controlling my exposure through diet.

How do I feel when I have made so many sacrifices, been so disciplined, and then accidentally, not even purposefully, become exposed to gluten ? I feel like I am back to square one! And is this what is going to happen the rest of my life if I don’t go on meds? Even if I do, who’s to say the disease will be controlled. The treatment for this is steroids (not a cure, just a treatment to manage the side effects). I am petrified to take them, I am petrified not to. I am beginning to wonder if I shouldn’t be looking at alternatives right now?

I had just signed up to work with a personal trainer and focus on my nutrition and exercise program again. We worked out my caloric intake and found out I was severely under nourishing myself. I was consuming 1200 calories on average per day, but based on my weight and exercise, I should be closer to 2200. Yikes! I was so excited to start the program and thought perhaps, just maybe I would see results. Now that I have to go back on my strict regimen to simmer down this flare up, I can’t start the nutritional part of my program (it’s not just about calories, its broken down by macronutrient and food types that I cannot consume right now). So I started the new workout routine, but not the new nutritional program.

My new workout routine has me back in boot camp M-W-F mornings. I have to leave the house @ 6:45am so I had to come up with a better routine for getting ready in the morning. It was taking me 2.5 hrs to get ready for work before because I have to do much to prepare for my day. I have to prepare my breakfast & lunch, sort vitamins, fill glass water bottles, pack gym clothes, take care of pups, shower, do oil pulling (which takes 20 minutes) etc….such a long list of things to do. I remember the days I just showered and walked out the door because I bought my lunch at work and drank out of plastic. Long gone are the days! Last night I showered, and did as much of my stuff as I could do, then finished the rest up this morning. I got out of the house in about 1 hr! I made it to boot camp on time and it was great! Much harder workout than I was giving myself….this afternoon I have yoga at lunch. I will be working out 5 days a week, but 2 times on M-W-F because of yoga at lunch time. Total workout hours 7-8 average. When I did this leading up to my wedding, I managed to lose weight. Maybe this is what it takes for me to shed pounds. I certainly hope so, because if this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will.

In other news, I have emailed my old RE and asked her what’s her protocol for autoimmune patients and if there’s any more tests she would put me under now that we have this new information. I am curious to see what she says. I think I have an itch again, considering I don’t think my health is ever going to change, it’s chronic and the best I can day is manage it.

I have also started looking for autoimmune disease support groups, to find out treatment plans and just have people who can empathize with my situation. Like Infertility, it’s really difficult to relate to, unless you have been through it.

I just took another 24 hour salivary test yesterday and will get blood work tomorrow morning. Based on these test results and whether I see improvements or not will decide how I move forward with my current health care plan. I don’t see any point in staying on all the supplements and appointments if there’s no forward progress. I feel like all I am doing is missing the boat.

None of this is good for me, mentally. I have created a monster. I have tried to be perfect in every aspect to get pregnant AND get healthy and neither one has worked, for years. Who wouldnt think, if I am text book perfect then of course I will get the outcome I want. That has been the worst part of this journey, dealing with the harsh brutality of unfairness. I deserve to succeed, I deserve to be thin and healthy, to have a baby... but all I'm doing is staring failure after failure after failure, square in the eye.

Summer Love & Fun

2011-08-09T09:54:00.006-05:00

Boy have I been MIA for a while or what? Truthfully this blog seems pointless right now. We aren’t pursuing treatments and although we still have sex regularly it’s not with reproductive reasons in mind. So with that said, there’s not much to talk about on this blog, or at least related to the reason it was created. I can tell you, sometimes walking away from the constant dialogue is liberating, as it only seems to constantly perpetuate an already crappy situation. The less I discuss it, the less I find myself sulking in it, struggling with it and making it the sole focus of my life. This might just be temporary, until I get my health in check, but for now, it’s working for me.

Speaking of my health, not much has changed. I hit a plateau after losing that first 10lbs and haven’t lost an ounce since. Writing that makes me cringe, seeing how I have been impeccable with my diet. I am getting some blood and saliva serum tests re-done in a week to see if I have made any measurable progress on paper, because I can assure you, I haven’t noticed any changes, tangible or not. When the tests come back, if I don’t see a change, then I give…I am folding. Dr Hero was my last ditch effort and I am not going to continue to invest time and money and emotions into a program that does not appear to be reaping any rewards.

In other news, we just returned from a week vacation in the Outer banks of North Carolina. We rented a beach house for the week with my in laws and in was a fabulous time. I have to laugh when I say it was great, because in hindsight there were a lot of unforeseen circumstances that could have me saying otherwise. I suppose it’s all about perspective. I must be feeling optimistic these days, which I suppose is a good thing. Some of the unplanned events that occurred were:

• 90% of the beach house rentals are from Saturday to Saturday. That means all of the east coasters driving in arrive the same day, causing what is normally a 1 hour trip to take 4-5hrs. We flew into Norfolk VA on Friday, spent the night and drove to the OBX on Saturday morning. Had we known about this, we would have driven there Friday night and gotten a hotel in the outer banks. Lesson learned.

• A couple days into the trip, my period came 5 days earlier than expected. This presented an issue on many levels. I do not use tampons, yet our days were spent in swimsuits either swimming @ the beach or the pool. That forced me to go back to tampons which didn’t make me happy. My body seems to physically reject them and I found it uncomfortable and annoying. I never thought I would be saying that considering I always found pads to be gross, but I understand the need for our blood to flow and not be jammed with a plug of cotton. In addition, I don’t take any pain meds because NSAID’s are horrible for my damaged gut, but in order to be comfortable enough to play along in the day to day activities, I had to. I wasn’t going to have my one and maybe only week vacation ruined by AF who has ruined far too many days, weeks, months and years as far as I am concerned.

• The day my period finally went away, I accidentally exposed myself to gluten, which made me sick for 2 days on the toilet with non-stop diarrhea. It was like I was peeing from my rear-end, horrific.

• Due to the traffic issue coming in, we were forewarned to get out of there early on check out day, so we did. Which left us sitting at the airport for 6hrs waiting for our flight. We attempted to get an earlier flight but they over sold that flight so we didn’t have a chance in hell. I have never had to sit at an airport for 6hrs before and let me say it’s not fun.

• We decided to fly first class because we don’t travel often and well, we deserve it! However we got a super old crappy plane where the first class seats seemed equivalent to those of coach in newer planes. The seats were snug, fabric (not leather) and the plane was loud and dirty. Airplane food is never good, but this was horrible. Unfortunately we got the same aircraft on the way home. I wrote a letter to AA letting them know of this awful experience.

Ok so now the good stuff:

• We got to spend time with family, and we love them, so it was wonderful.

• We did a 2hr wild horse tour that took us 4 X 4 ing across the beach and into the sand dunes where they live. It was the highlight of the trip- loved it!

• We rented beach chairs/umbrella for the week that were left on the beach waiting for us each time we went there. The water was really warm (one day) and I spent a good amount of time out in the ocean riding the waves out with my hubby.

• Each night we had dinner together and then played board games (Pictionary & Cranium) which was a blast.

• Aside from accidental exposure to gluten, I did not break my standard diet, of fruits, vegetables, nuts and proteins. I did allow myself to indulge in alcohol but nothing else outside the norm. That’s probably the first time in my life I have done that! I am currently gluten, dairy and soy free and I avoid sugar and consume grains in small quantities.

• I planned and threw a surprise Luau party for the family, complete with grass skirts, coconut bras, inflatable palm trees , roasted pig and much more. It was a fun day and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves.

• Mother-in-law bought and wore a swimsuit for the first time in her life. She does not know how to swim but went into the pool with a float and walked around the outside perimeter of the pool. It was a joy to see her come outside of her shell and dare to go where she has never gone before. Makes me happy.

• We witnessed some amazing sunsets over the sound. It’s easy to forget life’s problems when you let yourself melt away in such a beautiful daily occurrence we often take for granted.

I’m sure there’s much more that I did not cover, but that sums it up. It was a great week and I hope we do it again sometime. Coming home was just as nice too, sure missed the pups a lot. We actually escaped the TX heat while on vacation, it was in the 100’s the entire time we were gone and so the 90’s felt nice for a change. It’s been a record breaking high summer here, it will be nice when the temps finally break.

Yesterday we celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary. I received a gorgeous bouquet of flowers at work. It seems like much longer, in a good way. I cannot imagine or remember my life without him and it just keeps on getting better. I would have never believed anybody if they told me 3 years ago we would be childless today, but I wouldn’t change a thing because I believe that the journey has made us stronger, more loving and resilient. There is nothing we cannot overcome together and at the end of the day, we are still smiling, despite it all.

Enlightened

2011-07-12T14:35:00.008-05:00

Over the course of the past few years I have experienced a wide and often vicous range of emotions. I have gone through the grieving process more times than I care to count: Sadness, anger, denial, you name it. I have watched familes grow, people have babies, and then more babies. Nothing is worse than getting lapped when it comes it IF. If you think getting passed once on a running track is humilitating, imagine someone having two babies in the time your still working on one. It happens, and the longer your trying, the more often it happens.

I have suffered through the bitter-sweetness of mothers days, birth announcements, holidays, pregnancy announcements and “are you having kids” more times than I ever thought my heart could bare. My heart has been broken, in many pieces, I have cried my eyes dry. I hadn’t experienced the drama of a true "snot face" cry since childhood, until IF struck our lives.

I have begged God for a baby, begged for His mercy, begged for grace and answers. Why? Why is this happening to us? I have gotten angry with Him, shamefully so. I have yelled at Him, sweet talked him and pleaded with Him, to no avail. I have turned towards and away from Him during some of my worst moments. I never understood why He would place such a strong desire in my heart that He wouldn’t allow me to see come to pass. And so I started to pray for Him to take away the desire, to bless me with His grace and let me be ok with possibly never becoming a mother, if this was His path for us.

Fast forward to today, here we are. I have come to this place of acceptance. I won’t go as far to say that my heart doesn’t yearn for a child, I still wish it would happen. But the relentless tug at my heart strings, those are not there anymore. Instead I hear nothing. Silence perhaps. Possibly a slight pitter patter at the sight of a pregnant women, maybe a teeny cringe at the receiving end of a pregnancy announcement. However, I have arrived to a place in this journey where having a child is no longer at the forefront of my mind.. Where envsisioning life as two, has taken precedence. I can actually see it, I can imagine life without a child and sometimes that brings me peace but if I think too long and hard about it, then other times it scares the bejesus out of me. I really don’t want to be ok with never having children because to me that seems like I am giving up, yet on the other hand, it’s what I prayed for, I asked for a sense of peace, in coming to terms with living

childless, with possibly not having my life long dream fufilled. Surrendering. It’s frightening to think the prayer for Grace was answered but not the million ones, for the blessing of a child, it gives me this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s just not meant to be, it’s just not meant to happen that my husband and I procreate. What if God placed infertility in my lap because I wasn’t responding to my inability to lose weight (which could have been a warning in itself) seriousely enough ? What if he was using IF to yell out to me a little bit louder, trying to get me to see more doctors? What if Infertility ends up saving my life? Autoimmune disease is manageable, and although there’s no cure, you can still live a decent, healthy life. However if it goes

untreated it can end up killing you, directly or indirectly. Dr Hero has said to me before, he treats his autoimmune patients just as seriousely as he treats his cancer patients. That speaks volumes as to what can happen if the disease goes untreated, let alone undiagnosed.

I certainly hope that’s not the case, I hope IF wasn’t served on this crappy ass pooh pooh platter as a warning to pay attention to and address my health issues. Not that I am ungrateful, because I am glad if it indeed saved my life or brought me to a healthier place, but along the way, a part of me died. Infertility slowly began to kill me, my spirit, my faith. It was like dying a slow tortueous death and trying to find the strength and desire to build my spirit back doesn’t come without scars, without wounds, without painful memories.

But alas, I have arrived. It’s an unusual place to be. Not trying, not caring, not stressing, not crying. It just is. I have come to accept this path and while I am hopeful to see the course change, I am no longer crippled or paralyzed with emotional pain. I've had to bear this cross far too long and I thank the Lord that he has given me the strength to make it this far, but it’s time to lay it down, to take a break. The burden has lessened, the pain has subsided. My heart still feels joy on different levels, and I’m sure there’s more healing that needs to take place, there is a part of me that is still a bit numb perhaps. But today, I feel good about life again. There is no longer a dependency of my well-being that's attached to a specific outcome. My heart is no longer heavy, my troubles seem so far behind me. The journey isn’t over, I am completely aware of that, but my time of suffering is. My need for control, or knowing how this is going to play out, that is just a distant memory. I trust that I will be taken care of, provided for. I know that my heart is in good hands.

Perfect 28

2011-07-08T11:36:00.005-05:00

I just had a beautiful and perfect 28 day cycle. Actually 29 , but I started spotting at 28, so I’ll call it what it is. I did not get the fertile CM I did the past two cycles and the two things I stopped using while I was getting the nice response was DHEA and Royal Jelly. I am pretty sure it was the Royal Jelly contributing to the gorgeous CM I was getting, so I am going to ask Dr Hero’s permission to resume use of it now that we know I do not respond well to TH2 stimulation. (he was concerned that it might be working against me and didn’t want me to resume use until we knew for sure)

Actually from what I am reading Royal Jelly is a good anti-inflammatory, so it might actually be beneficial for me to take. But auto-immune disease is tricky, so what’s good for most people can actually be an agitator for some autoimmune patients. Here's a list of things I must avoid due to my condition: (Please note this is very specific and unique to me, not everyone with autoimmune has to follow the same guidelines, it varies from pateient to patient depending on your TH1/TH2/TH17 levels).

Resveratrol

Green Tea

Caffeine

Coffee

Pycnogenol

Acai berry

Mangosteen

Acacia

...just about any kind of "antioxidant", especially concentrates/supplements, is to be avoided.

I’ll let you know if I get his blessing on it, my next appointment is Tuesday. I made it through the week being a Vegan (no meats AND dairy along with everything else on the no list) so now I’m back to my normally restrictive diet, but I can add turkey, lamb, fish and chicken back in (in moderate amounts). This is the final week of my liver cleanse, woo hoo!

It’s been a really hot June and July (thus far) in TX. We’ve had over 7 days in the triple digit temps, which means doing anything during the day outside, besides floating around in the pool, is unbearable. Today I am going to get all four quadrants in my mouth scaled. This weekend we will be getting a new French door stainless steel fridge, floating in the pool, shopping for vacation clothes, and catching a movie at our favorite theater. What are your fun plans for the weekend?

Here's a recent photo I snapped of myself. My hair is getting thicker again and my teeth are getting whiter from my oil pulling. It's a cell phone pic so not the best quality but you can get the jist of it. It's just nice to finally start liking what I see again, slowly but surely.

Three Day Weekend

2011-07-05T11:36:00.004-05:00

I am nearly 2 weeks in on my 3 week liver cleanse. Unfortunately I didn’t realize timing wise that would mean that during the July 4th weekend I would not be able to indulge in any alcohol, let alone meat. I am in the middle of the cleanse week which allows no meats or fish, (along with my usual no alcohol, dairy, caffeine or soy) I am allowed grains but have been trying to avoid them at all costs. I did eat a rice bran cereal the other day with almond milk and shortly thereafter my hands swelled, I got terrible gas and I found a sore in my mouth. I suspect that was some type of allergic reaction or sensitivity issue I experienced. Then I ran across an article today that say these five items were very much like wheat (which I don’t eat because I am gluten sensitive)– read more here:

• Potato

• Tomato

• Barley

• Rye

• Rice

By the way, can you believe its been a year since I began using a Functional Medicine approach to my health and went Gluten Free?? I never would have guessed I would still be overweight and not pregnant at this point, but I won’t let that get me down. I have made so many lifestyle changes in the past year, it’s amazing. And while I was slow to start, I am beginning to believe I am closer than I think. The weight is slowly creeping off me, I lost 1 more pound last week, putting me down a total of 10 lbs since I started seeing Dr Hero 6 weeks ago. It’s not much, but when 10 turns into 20 and 20, into thirty and so on, well then we know we are making my body happy.

Over the long weekend, we went to the Dallas Aquarium and Zoological Gardens with some friends. It was a great afternoon, followed up by lunch and then a trip to the Dallas Farmers Market. I was disappointed at the Farmers Market when I realized nothing was Organic. Not sure why that surprised me, I kind of expected more organic foods from our local farmers. I only bought a couple things that were not on the dirty dozen list.

Here are a few of my favorite pictures from the Aquarium visit:

On Sunday we invited our friends over for a BBQ and swim. It wasn't easy watching everyone sip cocktails and chow down on some fall of the bones juicy delicious ribs, but I just kept reminding myself why I am doing this and ultimately it will pay off. And hopefully I will get to indulge a little while on vacation in a few short weeks.

I am not sure what the next steps are, after the liver cleanse is complete, I think we slowly reintroduce some foods back that I haven’t had in months (eggs, butter, dairy milk, soy, etc). My next appointment is next Tuesday.
_______

I recently started Oil Pulling, per my dentists recommendation. It’s a process of swishing oil (sesame or coconut cold pressed organic ) for 20 minutes each morning before doing anything. It’s supposed to draw toxins out of the body, restore health to the gums, whiten teeth naturally and be good for your overall health. It’s hard to keep it in my mouth 20 minutes, I usually make it 15 before spitting it out. I did have die off headaches the first couple days, that have since dissipated. I also switched to an Oral B electric toothbrush per her recommendation and boy does that make a world of a difference! My teeth feel so clean all the time now and are already a bit whiter. Please research or email me if you want more info on this technique, there are a couple “dont's” you must follow.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Holiday weekend. I don’t know about you, but I think every weekend should be 3 days long!

How Corn can Cause Infertility (Updated)

2011-06-29T09:54:00.005-05:00

Since we have begun dealing with Infertility I have learned a boatload of information that pertains to health and factors that contribute to Infertility. I think we have all become healthier on our quests to become mothers, as we learn from each other, our doctors, books, friends and the internet. I think one of my more recent discoveries was the most shocking, which I will share with you. I have become a 99% organic eater, not just for IF, but for my health. My immune system is already compromised as is my weight so in order to improve or at very least, prevent them from getting worse, I have removed so many foods from my diet. All pesticides, all chemicals, all processed foods and hormones from dairy and non-organic meats.

I'm not sure that everyone is aware that an average of 80% of all the soy, corn, canola crops in the US are genetically modified, meaning they can take the DNA from something (I don't even think this is disclosed information) and inject it into the grains to create a modified food form. That means anything you eat with corn, soy or canola listed as an ingredient, unless the package states "NON-GMO" is genetically modified.

If you eat processed food (anything that is not a whole raw food, such as fruits and vegetables) than I can pretty much assure you that corn, canola or soy are in the ingredients list. I know this because I am avoiding both and have read countless labels with both. You will find these ingredients in everything from mayo, margarines, cereals, chips, crackers, breads, salad dressings, ketchup, to chocolate, baby formula, baked goods. One or more of these ingredients are in thousands of different foods.

With that said, I wanted to share this video with you. We have a right to know these things, I'm not sure how I stumbled upon it, but regardless of whether trying to get pregnant or not I refuse to eat non-organic soy, canola or corn products moving forward. Let me know what you think.

If this can happen to pigs, what do you think it's doing to us? It's the same food source. And if that's not enough to scare the bejesus out of you, just google (under videos) GMO's and infertility and see what you think.

Here's another video (sound clip) I just found if your still interested:

Disclose.tv - GM Food Dangers part 1/11 Video

Bitter

2011-06-26T10:44:00.002-05:00

I see pictures of this beautiful little angel on Facebook, my nephew Jake whom I have not met and God knows if I ever will (History here). Nobody shared these pictures with me, someone tagged my entire family except me and because I am friends with other family members I was able to see these.

My heart started beating so fast with mixed emotions, anger, jealousy, fear, sadness, love, adoration....if anything can question my faith, it's how a sweet little angel lands in the lap of someone who has taken the gift for granted not once, but twice. Yes she has exposed my nephewS to her selfish and weak needs to smoke during both pregnancies. I need prayers please, I am overwhelmed with bitterness.

TH1/ TH2 Ratio Imbalance

2011-06-24T21:41:00.000-05:00

I neglected to mention an important detail in my previous post. Partly because I had to do another challenge test, which helped determine I am TH2 dominant. In healthy individuals the two are balanced, or may become unbalanced due to infection or illness (by design), but then resume back to balance after attacking the invaders. In individuals with autoimmune disease, one of the two becomes dominant and never resets itself. As you can imagine, that wreaks havoc on the system, thus creates a constant attack on otherwise healthy organs, systems and tissues. (thyroid, ovaries, etc)

I have been doing lots of research because there are actually foods and supplements that can feed this imbalance making matters better or worse by creating more inflammation and symptoms. For example, I cannot have caffeine or green tea, both aggravate my already pissed off condition.

During my research I found articles pointing to the relation between this imbalance and, you guessed it, Infertility. I assumed all along that whatever was making me ill was also the cause of my Infertility but I never knew exactly how that would look.

I'm not going to take a very complex situation and try to act like I just used my brilliant mind and PHD to diagnose myself in a matter of a couple days, I am sure it's much more complicated than what I have reduced it to in my mind, however I do believe we might be closer than I thought in terms of approach.

I wish I had a prognosis, I do not. There is no cure for Polyglandular Endocrine Syndrome. However I do believe if this is properly managed and we are able to drive down the inflammation in my body by removing triggers (toxins, foods, supplements) and if we can balance my TH1 and TH2 Cytokines, while it still might be a long shot, the possibility still exists.

In addition we were able to make the correlation between my flare ups and my cycle. It seems my immune system doesn't like progesterone and attacks it, that's a theory right now, but makes total sense as to why I experience inflammation the 2nd part of my cycle.

The pieces of the puzzle are slowly coming together, my hope is that our plan of attack will be the fastest approach to good health and a baby.

Round 1 Test Results

2011-06-22T16:22:00.006-05:00

I had my follow-up appointment with Dr Hero today. My test results were all over the place. My hormones were way out of whack based on my 24 hr salivary test. I have low cortisol levels and adrenal insufficiency. I have high testosterone and my female hormones (FSH E2 and LH – were off the charts, showing menopausal numbers, which I am clearly not and totally contradicts my blood tests). The reason they do salivary tests over blood is to test the levels that are currently released in the body…my body is not processing any of these hormones properly. In addition, my liver is not functioning properly which is probably contributing to all of those hormone levels being off. This all starts with the hypothalamus that talks to the pituitary, they pituitary fires off the hormones, the problem is there’s a miscommunication somewhere causing too much to be released or not enough being processed. Oh did I mention my insulin levels are off to?! I also have low iron and B6, but I cant take iron because my immune system attacks me when I do, he thinks clearing up some other issues will indirectly resolve the low iron, we’ll test again soon to confirm or come up with a plan of attack.

My diagnosis is a rare disease called Polyglandular Endocrine Syndrome, (it looks like I have Type III) which basically means I have an autoimmune reaction attacking a few different endocrine systems. (thyroid/adrenals/ovaries).

You can read more about it here if interested.

My next steps are a 21 day liver detox which starts tomorrow and then I go back for more tests/follow-up.
This entails basically the same thing I have been doing for what feels like months with a few modifcations (continue no gluten, dairy, eggs, soy, alcohol, caffeine and for the first week no beef, pork or shellfish and for the second week, no meats or shellfish at all and the final week, limited meats again)

He is not surprised that I haven’t lost weight even after such a restrictive menu, he said my own body is sabotaging any and all efforts at this point. My tests still showed leaky gut, which I just spent the last 4 weeks trying to repair (again, I have actually done this before). I just wish they would cut me open and go look and see WTH is going on inside me.

I am usually overwhelmed after my appointments, so I don’t know how I feel right now. I am happy because I feel like he is definitely onto more than the other doctors, but much of this feels redundant and if it didn’t change anything the first time why would it now? I realize he’s going down a different path and this is my starting point, I’m just tired of it all.

And to make matters worse, I received word today that my Dads health is not good. His BP on medication was 180 over something. (don’t remember) And of course I blame him for these crappy ass genes which he got from his father who died in his 50’s. I found out today my dad is taking statins which are known to cause diabetes and heart disease, which he has both of. So while I’m trying to process and manage my own health, I am pulling double duty trying to educate him on his health care needs as well which is difficult with him living in another state. What a hot mess.

On the Outside, Looking In

2011-06-19T20:40:00.005-05:00

I didn't plan it this way, but it just so happened....I'm on the outside, looking in, for all of these photos. It seems all so familiar, reminds me of Infertility.

My friend Andrea visited her family in Dallas a couple weekends ago, I met her at her sweet nieces soft ball game and snapped a few shots while I was there.

Bogey watching mommy, intently.

The sunrise Saturday morning - I noticed how beautiful it was going to be while letting the pups out so I grabbed my camera and a bra and walked down the street in my pj's half asleep to capture the best photo I could. It was brilliant.

Our Fish Tank

Hanging on by a Teeny Tiny Thread

2011-06-15T15:04:00.017-05:00

I have found myself rather withdrawn and somewhat angry lately. I know I should be happy that I finally have a diagnosis and am headed in the right direction, but I think the fact that I didn’t get the proper diagnosis 5 years ago is really irritating me. Two and a half years ago, having a baby would have been much easier than now, at the age of 40. Nearly 3 years ago my chances would have been much higher statistically than they are today.

I have been to countless doctors only to be disregarded, unheard, overlooked and untreated. I have pleaded with specialists that all the symptoms I have been experiencing just weren’t right, considering my life style. I was even told by one Endocrinologist to reduce my net caloric intake to 500 calories per day. I kid you not. And so it’s really hard not to be angry at them for not listening to me, for not trying harder, for not believing me (because if they did, they wouldn’t have given up on me).

The physical aspect of these diseases (Autoimmune, Infertility, Hypothyroidism) they can be difficult at times, but the harder part is the emotional aspect of it all. I have more physical energy left than emotional. I have relationships that could have used some nurturing over the past few years that I couldn’t nourish because I didn’t have the mental capacity to even try or shall I say, try harder. My social life has taken a hit, my marriage has taken a hit, my work performance has taken a hit, all because somebody didn’t care enough to want to fight this battle for me, or at very least with me. I just wish someone would have been my advocate over the years, as a child it’s our parents, but when you become an adult, you’re on your own, flying solo. I have in pure & utter desperation written notes to Oprah and Dr Oz in attempt to get on their show(s) and get help. That’s how desperately I needed and wanted someone who could get me the exposure and attention I needed.

This has been a long and lonely journey, the unbeaten path. When you’re sick (and not visibly so, or at least not by the "standard" - being obese is not viewed upon as an illness per say, you have to be skin and bones for someone to think your actually sick) people don’t know what to do or say. When your Infertile, people don’t know what to do or say. When you are fighting your own battles, you begin to do so silently. When you choose functional medicine and holistic healing as your treatment, it's viewed upon quite differently, sometimes even frowned upon.

It’s hard to come to terms with not having a choice. Most people get to choose (if only by default) to be obese or choose not to have children….neither of these situations are my choice. Nothing sickens me more than looking at myself in the mirror and seeing a reflection which does not truly represent all the hard work and discipline I have put in over the years. All the blood sweat and tears to be perfect on paper and a big failure in reality. I don’t even know the girl looking back at me, except that she likes comfortable clothes.

I don’t know what I’ll do if this final approach doesn’t start showing some results. I am hopeful (yet again and perhaps against my better judgement) even after all the failures throughout the years, but I don’t have anything left in me, emotionally, physically or financially to continue down this path. Where most women spend their disposable income shopping for clothes, paying off debts or dining out, 100% of mine goes towards medical bills. Fortunately my husband earns a respectable income, which affords us the opportunity to have nice things and travel from time to time, but if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have much of anything right now. Not that I have many needs, but it’s nice to be able to enjoy some of the finer things in life, and for that I am grateful, albeit very humbling.

I have a follow up dentist appointment Friday to see if I have cured the infection in my mouth without antibiotics and next week is my follow up with Dr Hero. I have lost no more weight since I last posted and I had one of the worst periods in ages, passing lots of tissue and with lots of cramping. I emailed Dr Hero to see what I should take for pain but he was away at a conference and didn’t get back to me before I knowingly took Tylenol which isn’t good for people with bad gut’s like mine. Totally counterproductive to all the hard work I have been doing to heal my gut. It's been nearly 4 weeks since I gave up dairy, grains, lectins, soy, caffeine and alcohol. I haven't cheated once. (except maybe for a hot pepper chopped up in one of my meals, which I didn't remember until after).

I find myself back to reference point in my journey where I question the fairness of life and how things work and why the cards fall the way they do. I want so hard to believe that there’s good that comes out of crappy situations, but I’m just not seeing it right now. And being here, in blog land, it’s inspiring and discouraging all at the same time. We have an amazing support community but as many of us make it over to the other side, it starts to feel lonelier and lonelier on this side of the fence. And you have to wonder if you will ever make it over, nobody wants to be the last Infertile blogging.

What if....Part II

2011-06-09T09:44:00.000-05:00

What if, my period just showed up!? Is the bleeding on CD 7-10 that I experience REALLY implantation or just breakthrough bleeding ?! I am taking progesterone so I wouldn’t think it’s breakthrough and it only lasts for a wipe or two then disappears. Who the F knows.

I'm starting to feel like someone or something evil has placed a curse on me and doesn't want me to be happy.

What if.....

2011-06-04T07:54:00.002-05:00

What if the blood that was on the tissue when I wiped yesterday (somewhere between 7-10 DPO, and has gone away since) what if it was implantation bleeding?!?! What if I was in the ladies restroom in the gym at work speaking to my friend Libby through the bathroom door while I was peeing and she left right before I finished up and I nearly ran out of the stall with my pants at my ankles to chase her down and tell her what I just saw on the tissue. What if seeing the clear as day blood was almost a near miss because I gave up examining toilet paper many heartbreaks ago and just so happened to notice the red on the tissue right before I flushed?!?

And what if it was meant to be for Libby to come back into the bathroom because she forgot to share something with me, so I got to share this incredible moment of possibility with her?!

What if..... I woke up feeling feverish this morning, so much so that I took my shirt off, and hubs thought I was making aggressive advances towards him?!

What if we fertilized an egg and even if implantation doesn't stick it's still a great sign that things are only partially broken, and we still have a chance to do this, to actually get pregnant, and what if we actually stay pregnant !?!

What if?!

All Things New

2011-06-01T09:52:00.006-05:00

I have been a terrible blogger lately, only because I feel dormant right now. While every day I am actively working towards my goal of optimal health and ultimately, pregnancy, by the food I eat to the exercise I do, sometimes the “infertility” blog gets boring without treatments or actively trying to get pregnant. So I don’t have much to report in that area, unfortunately.

In terms of diet, I reluctantly weighed in after my first week of the Repairvite program that Dr. Hero put me on and to my surprise, I lost 4lbs. I don’t put much stock in that however because over the past 5 years I’m sure I have lost a combined 300 lbs if not more (only to gain it back – lose 5 gain 6 lose 10 gain 12 lose 30 gain 40) No that is not a result of yoyo dieting, that is a result of my autoimmune flaring up repeatedly. Until that is addressed once and for all, it’s evident I will never be able to keep the weight off, what little bits and pieces I manage to lose, even with the most pristine diet and exercise program. Right now I am working out 5 days a week which includes a combination of Yoga, Strength Training and Cardio.

I am very proud of my discipline as always, but I sometimes laugh at myself and say is it not all in vain? I have been doing this for 5 years and I’m the same size I was when I started (at least 80lbs overweight, some might even say 100). I have to constantly remind myself that although I don’t see the physical changes, that I am doing my heart, cardiovascular and muscular system a huge favor. Besides working out makes me feel thinner even if I am not. It’s a total mind game, keeps me sane sometimes. I feel like I am constantly mowing the lawn each week without a blade, how utterly ridiculous does that look on the outside?

Anyhow, I keep catching myself say out loud “When I get healthy “ When I get skinny” “When we get pregnant” – that’s a good thing right? I have noticed that my hair has stopped falling out and it's actually started to feel thick again! I also have a full set of nails for the first time in ages! (Mine were so weak and brittle for ages, they never grew or if they did, they broke immediately). My next appointment with Dr Hero is in a couple weeks, can't wait!

So I have (more) wonderful news! Hubs and I have been trying to find an English bulldog to rescue for the past month or so. We have met many dogs, introduced them to our other two, a couple introductions went great and the rest went awful. So strange how that happens….but regardless one of the only two that went well, we ended up adopting this past weekend. The foster parent brought him over for a meet & greet Friday and asked if we wanted to keep him overnight, we did, and he hasn’t left our side since. His name is Bogey (short for Bogart) and he is 2 years old. His owners surrendered him because the mom had a baby and couldn’t handle both him and the baby so they surrendered him to rescue. The part I find most shocking is that he is a purebred with papers that they must have paid thousands of dollars for, so they had to of really wanted him at some point. I just couldnt imagine letting go of one of my furbabies. He is a perfectly behaved little boy, knows all the commands, is house broken. He is currently having issues with territorial peeing, so mommy has been busy washing doggie beds and giving baths (yes he actually has slept in his own pee and because his coat is so white, you can see the actual pee stains on him!) I should mention as a disclaimer however, that he did just have his manhood removed the day we got him, so his little sac is still raw and descending. Perhaps him being on antibiotics is playing into the pee thing?! (wishful thinking)

Without further ado, the newest member to our family. He makes my heart melt.

Leaps, Bounds and Secretions

2011-05-24T19:27:00.002-05:00

I started my Repairvite program yesterday. For the next 30 days I am gluten, grain, caffeine, lectin, soy, sugar and dairy free, with some additional restrictions on my fruit and vegetable intake. I have changed my diet so many times in the past year with the various doctors I have seen, that I sometimes don’t even know what I am and am not allowed to eat. It gets confusing.

I realize this diet may seem very restrictive, and it is, but the object is heal to my leaky gut, which appears to be leaky still. (Gosh that sounds so funny!). The importance of repairing the gut, well its critical, because the “leaky” part of it is what triggers the autoimmune response. Imagine fuel leaking into a room that’s already on fire, it only accelerates the condition. So in order to contain it and then put the fire out, I have to stop ingesting foods that only agitate the situation. Dr Hero said that it is very common that those who are gluten intolerant also have an issue with dairy and grains and so rather than go through testing, I am simply eliminating those foods for the next 30 days. One we contain the “fire”, we can then work on putting it out.

After my doctor’s appointment Thursday, I had four tests I needed to complete. Two were blood draws, one was salivary and the last was an at home test where I took some supplements to see what type of response they triggered. This was to measure my TH1 and TH2 levels (cytokines), typically with autoimmune disease there is an imbalance between the two. The test had to be in two parts/two days. The first one I did Friday along with the both blood tests, which required me to go to two different labs. I needed one draw that I could pay to have drawn for me and given back so I could mail into a certain lab for testing. The other was done through lab corp. Saturday I did the second part of the TH1/2 test which was when I got the predicted negative response (if you have a negative response that means you have too much of that particular level in your body, te key with Th1 & Th2 is to have them balanced, like a teeter-totter). I was concerned because hubs and I had signed up to volunteer for a Fundraiser for the Lonestar Bulldog Rescue and I immediately felt sick after my first dosage. Fortunately the instructions said to cease the test immediately if a negative response occurs and the symptoms dissipated fairly quickly. On Sunday I did my 24hr salivary test and mailed that off Monday morning. I was so eager and happy to get the tests completed, the sooner I did my part, the sooner Dr Hero can determine the next course of action.

In the interim, we have been planning a family vacation for my husband’s side of the family. We are renting a beach house in Outer banks NC for the week, all 13 of us are going to spend a week together under one roof at the end of July. I am thrilled and can’t wait, lots of beach and pool time, reading time, family time. What a great way to spend a vacation. We haven’t all been together since our wedding nearly 3 years ago, so it’s well overdue.

I have to say I feel very encouraged and hopeful again, more so than in a long time. I know Dr Whacko’s intentions were good, but I just needed more substantive evidence of what my condition was. He didn’t run any laboratory tests and I personally need those tests to know what’s going on. I love the western diagnostics with eastern treatments, and finding a doctor with those two skill sets perfectly meshed, well let’s just say I feel very lucky and fortunate. And certainly my general health issues, which had nothing (and everything) to do with infertility are certainly unique. But I have to wonder, if we dig deep enough, how many IF cases are related to another medical condition occurring in our body, non OB/GYN related. It’s pretty impressive how smart our bodies are, they know when they are unable to nurture a pregnancy. And so I certainly have hope again. I feel like the few times I was certain I was pregnant due to implantation bleeding, I probably was. Those poor fertilized embryos didn’t have a fighting chance inside my womb. And that happened 3 times, at least. Which means to me, we don’t have a problem getting pregnant, we have a problem implanting and staying pregnant. That is great news as far as I’m concerned, because once we shut down the attack, we have a pretty darn good chance.
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At one of my visits with Dr Whacko he said all disease starts in the mouth. Dr Hero confirmed that and so I thought, I really need to address a a tooth that’s been unattended for a couple years. It had an onlay repaired several times, only for me to grind my teeth and break it again. I finally gave up because it didn’t cause me any pain or discomfort, it was just an annoyance when food would get stuck up there. I located a new Naturopath dentist to repair the tooth and fell in love with her and the office. They practice minimally invasive dentistry and take a homeopathic approach to healing. She too confirmed all disease starts in the mouth! She repaired my tooth with a filling instead of another million dollar onlay. Not only that the filling was done using laser treatment and therefore I did not need Novocain!!! It was painless and affordable! She did determine that I have a bacterial infection in a pocket in my gums. She took a sample, placed it on a slide and showed me the bacteria (good and bad) on her computer screen. Let’s just say, some things we just don’t need to see. Gave me the heebie jeebies.

Anyway how interesting that I have an infection and for god knows how long….and what do you think an infection does to the immune system? It triggers an attack, so my immune system that is probably already being used at its maximum capacity is also trying to fight an unattended infection. Rather than treat with antibiotic, that can worsen an already damaged gut, I am using Colloidal Silver to clear it out. Just a swish every day. Dr Hero approved of the treatment. Again I feel extremely hopeful that I am taking major leaps in the right direction.

And speaking of bacterial infections, if I recall correctly, Dr Sami David made reference to a couple cases of IF in his book Making Babies that were caused by infections, which were cleared up after the infection was addressed. Can you imagine something as simple as that being the cause ?! I can.
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And what would an IF Blog be without talk about bodily secretions? My last two cycles, I had 4 day periods! And I am seeing (and feeling) great quality eggwhite CM for days prior to ovulation (I never got any before). I love when my body talks to me, and it's saying some pretty great things, like "I'm still fertile".

Thank you for all of your support, prayers, and posts. I certainly wouldn’t have kept my sanity the past two years without you. Lets continue to hope we are on to something.

I will leave you with this shot I took at the English Bulldog Fundraiser Event:

P.S. For those of you having issues with my blog, I contacted Blogger Support and they cant seem to replicate the issue, so Im not sure what is happening, but I am still trying to troubleshoot it for you, thank you for your patience, I know it must be a nuisance.

Possible Answers & Prayers Please

2011-05-19T21:56:00.000-05:00

I haven’t updated on Dr Whacko for a while, that's because I haven’t seen him. A few weeks back I kept emailing his assistant with no responses. I called, emailed, called, emailed, nothing. I started to wonder if perhaps the office was on some sort of spring break, after all Dr Whacko doesn’t really see many patients, and so he could take a few weeks off with his kid over spring break. Finally, after a few weeks, his assistant emails me back apologizing for not responding sooner, informing me she had accepted another position, new opportunity. She copied Dr Whacko on the email and gave me his cell number. I had already run out of most of my supplements, and was getting by just fine without them.

Dr Whacko never attempted to reach out to me and I just didn’t have the desire to reach out to him either, not sure why, I guess the fact that I was left hanging for weeks left a bad taste in my mouth.

In the interim I had run across Dr. Hero. I was reading his literature and reviewing some of his videos and he really caught my attention. A girl on a blog put a link to him, because he helped her, so I started researching him. I was hesitant to go see yet another Dr because I promised myself and my husband I wasn't going to continue down this path anymore, but then I realized, I don’t have a choice, this is my health, my well being, my chance to motherhood and to live a healthy life on the line, I couldn’t give up.

The last week or so I have flared up and I'm dealing with major inflammation again. I knew I could not ignore it anymore and decided to see if I could get an appointment with Dr Hero. His assistant emailed me and got me scheduled for today.

Within minutes of him going over my labs from the past year, he diagnosed me. He is running some more tests to be absolutely certain, and perhaps more specific, but he said all my blood labs and symptoms are classic Autoimmune disease. Why I have never been diagnosed as such before, I have no idea. He looked for very specific tests/results on my labs and knew immediately (between that and my 15 pages of paperwork I filled out ahead of time). He is running some more blood labs and doing a full hormone work-up again, and checking on the leaky-gut again (to see if I have healed or made progress). The hope is he will be able to give the Autoimmune a name (Hashimotos, Graves, etc).

One thing is clear, the autoimmune disease is attacking my Thyroid. And my Hypothyroidism, that is a symptom, not the cause, same thing with the infertility, psoriasis, inability to lose weight, etc. They are all symptoms, occurring as a result of the autoimmune disease.

I cried when I told him how I flared up from taking iron and he looked at me and explained why that happens in autoimmune patients, he actually heard this before and didn’t think I was nuts! He also knew why I had a bad reaction from the armor thyroid a few years back, another common reaction of autoimmune disease patients. I cried tears of happiness, tears of relief, because for years I have been saying I am not ok, there's something wrong, and I am being told otherwise, that I am fine, that there is nothing wrong and I have diminished ovarian reserve and hypothyroidism. It just didn’t make sense to me why I continued to have so many symptoms when I was supposedly on medication (Synthroid) to resolve the illness.

I knew in my heart of hearts there was something else going on and I just didn’t know where esle to turn or what to do when the last 8 doctors are all telling me I'm fine or calling my symptoms diseases. I actually had one specialist tell me a few years ago to get my net calories down to 500. I kid you not.

For the next 30 days we are going to try and turn down the autoimmune attack on my body. Not shut down the immune system, just the attack on it. I will also do an immune test which will tell him if we need to adjust my th1 or th2 levels. I will need to make a few minor changes to my diet (yet again) and a take a few supplements. Only 3, not 30. He insisted I stop taking everything, every last thing. I am only allowed to take what he gave me, continue my whey shakes, using coconut oil and my natural progesterone cream. Everything else is out the window. The few things he put me on, are omega 3, vitamin d3 and amino acids. That's it.

I am going for a couple blood draws in the morning, including TBO and TBG testing. I will then do a 24 hr salivary test on Sunday. I will see him again in 30 days once all the tests and I clear out my system, when I return we will decide the next course of action. Unfortunately a couple different forms of autoimmune can occur at once, and so hopefully we can pinpoint which is/are occurring and treat it. He also believes my dopamine levels are off, which is also being looked at.

He was so pleased with how much work I have already done and he did say I was heading down the right path, he just wishes he would have met me 5 years ago so I didn’t have to suffer this entire time. Going gluten free 8 months ago was a good thing, because he would have made me anyway, so I'm that much further ahead of the game. I will also give up dairy and grains 100% (I kind of did already but didn’t stick to it 100%) For the next 30 days I cannot cheat at all.

So tonight, hubs took me to In & Out Burger. They finally opened one in TX last week, the line was several hours long since grand opening, tonight it took almost an hour, but I finally got my protein style double double on. I ate fries (haven’t been able to eat fries out since I went gluten free because they are always cooked in fryers that cook gluten foods) so for the first time in almost a year I indulged. It was ok, wasn't great, but after all my hard work, and more hard work ahead of me, I decided I deserved it. And I topped it off with a Neapolitan milkshake. I'm sure I'll pay for it, some way or another.

Please please please, I ask for your prayers that maybe, just maybe, I am finally getting the right answers. I certainly hope so because I don’t think I have it in me to do this anymore. I can't handle anymore disappointment.

Virgin Snapshots

2011-05-15T21:27:00.001-05:00

Hubs and I had a fun weekend together. I was able to take a few pictures with my new camera, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing yet, so for starters I simply started snapping away. Here are a few of my very first shots. I hope I learn more with time, all the different settings and options can be very intimidating at first.

My Handsome Baby Boy

White Oleander in the Garden, first bloom

In TX they plant wildflowers along the freeways and medians, I drive past these on my way to work every day.

Watters Creek, Family Night on the Knoll

Hope everyone had a fantastic weekend. I will post more tomorrow.

Knee Slapper

2011-05-09T14:53:00.004-05:00

A few days after I last posted, I ran out of DHEA. I quickly ordered some more by mail, but in the interim, my sore nipples disappeared. It wasn’t until a about two days into it that I made the connection between going off DHEA and having the so called pregnancy “symptoms” disappear. So I quickly referred to my on call Doctor, Dr Google and sure as shit, when you google DHEA and sore nipples, there are plenty of people out there in the world who had the same experience. I won’t say I wasn’t a tiny bit crushed, but at this point in my journey I should know there is always a likely secondary factor contributing to the silliness, each being more likely than pregnancy. The good news is, I still have it in me, HOPE that is. It is not completely gone which is shocking after years of dissappointment. I expect my period in the expect couple of days.
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I had a wonderful Mothers Day weekend, despite the above. I have some amazing friends and a husband that are very thoughtful, loving and so very caring. From flowers, to texts to calls, to lots of wonderful gifts, I couldn’t be luckier. Here is how my weekend started, on Friday morning, my friend Libby arrived to work with these gorgeous pink Gerbera Daiseys. She was traveling for the weekend and brought them by before her departure, they are beautiful and made me smile. If you look closely with your IF trained eye, you can see something in bouquet. (sorry this is a poor shot take from my cell phone) No that was not a nudge to test, it was just a friend passing along a free spare test from another pregnant friend.

On Saturday after spending the afternoon with my husband, we arrived home to a wonderful gift in the mail from my online friend Hannah. Her note and thoughtfulness brought me to tears and I read the entire book before even sitting down! What a lovely message and beautiful reminder during a weekend that could have otherwise been painfully tough.

On Sunday I was showered with my gifts from my fur-babies and hubs which included a Jewelry Tree (hey if you can't grow the family tree then why not get a Jewlery tree?!) some new Spring color EnviroSax (I have a set I bought myself almost 5 years ago and love them, but I often make store runs after work to stock up on fresh produce and I don’t have them with me, so I will keep this spare set in the car.

Before I loaded it up

After I loaded it up!

Here's the Envirosax:

These bags are machine washable too, love love love them.

Hubs also joined me for a pedicure, I love that he knows how to enjoy a little TLC with his lady.

And the biggest surprise of them all, a new Sony camera, which is on its way and I cannot wait. I have been admiring all the beautiful pictures by blog friends have posted with their cameras, and I love taking pictures, so this bad boy will be put to good use. Paige has been posting pics every day and I am really inspired by her work. Paige, you will have to teach me a few tricks!

In between all of the gifts, I received phone calls, and text messages and lots of love from my friends. I didn’t feel sad once. Well I take that back. On Saturday and Sunday we went to see two bulldogs that had been rescued, both owner surrenders. Bruno was so cute, and we are waiting to see how he makes out at his vet check up today, they just got him Saturday and immediately thought of us when he arrived, (I think because his skin is tight like ours, but I won’t take offense to that!) Bruno’s ears were so filthy and neglected for so long, we are waiting to see if he is deaf or not. Fingers crossed that he’s not.

On Sunday we met Olivia. I was hoping she would make me a proud momma (yet again) on mothers day but I wasn’t prepared for what we saw. Her eyes were not cared for so so long, they were so infected and nearly crusted shut. There is no doubt in my mind that she is legally blind. My heart couldn’t stand seeing that, knowing it was 100% preventable. These dogs are coming in from families that at some point probably paid a pretty penny for them, they are purebred dogs. I cannot for the life of me (pure bread or not) understand how someone can neglect their fur babies the way these two have been. It crushes me. Hopefully we will be able to change one of their worlds and show them the love they deserve very soon.

Surfacing

2011-05-05T10:51:00.007-05:00

About a week ago, I showed up for Yoga class on a Friday. Nobody else was there except my Yoga teacher, whom I also consider a friend. My first yoga class ever was with her and I have been attending her classes for around 5 years now. Yoga teachers don’t just teach us poses. They teach us how to breathe and move through life with Grace. My teacher, I adore. It’s been on numerous occasions that we have spent the class just talking about our lives. This past Friday when she asked about my childhood, it wasn’t until that moment or a few hours later that it really hit me, in the heart center, that what happened during my childhood was very wrong, very sad and for the first time in my life, even after years and years of therapy, I was sad for myself, for the little girl who wasn’t treated as she should have been.

My mother is from the south. She was raised on a farm with 8 siblings. Her life was not easy, and I certainly do feel for her. Unfortunately, she as a mother did all she knew how to raise her children, which was mirror her own upbringing and how she was raised. Therefore, I was physically and verbally abused. It was awfully unusual for me to be raised up North with Southern style parenting. Yes mam/sir and no mam/sire were not options but rather requirements. Imagine the look on my friends faces when they came over and heard me respond to my parents that way. It was awkward and sometimes embarrassing. I understand it’s a respect thing, but I do not think I would ever ask my children to address me that way. I feel like I am an equal with everyone, nobody needs to be spoken up to or down to. I am also a rebel and have an issue with authority to some degree, so take that viewpoint with a grain of salt.

The physical abuse wasn’t just being slapped or spanked. When I was “bad” I had to go get my fathers leather belt, lay across the bed, sometimes with my bottoms pulled down, and get whipped, until I had welts and bruises up and down my lower body. It’s a wonder I ever got through private Catholic school without these welts being discovered or reported somehow. No, my mother was not Catholic, my father was. Not that it matters, but just to set the record straight, she was raised Southern Baptist. My father did not hit us, just my mother, we were always told by my mother, that was because if He hit us, he would break our bones.

In addition to the physical abuse, I was verbally abused. I was told I would never amount to anything, I was called terrible names and one Christmas I was handed gifts from my mother who looked me square in the eyes and said “these are out of obligation, not love”. I won’t go into all of the stories and sharing the details because they are not relevant for purposes of this post.

The abuse didn’t stop there, I was also sexually abused from the time I was about 5 (what we estimate from therapy, I don’t remember that far back) until I was in my young teens and finally told my parents. The abuser was my mother’s father. He lived in the south and each year we would travel there for a two week spring break vacation and that is when the abuse took place. When I finally had the guts to tell my mother, she called me a liar.

As I just have now, I shared these stories in therapy for years, in a very matter a fact tone. I never cried, I never felt sorry myself. I just had to be strong and carry on, do well for myself, so I could be on my own and escape all of the abuse once and for all. I was very close to becoming an emancipated minor when my mother took me to court and put me on probation for something like cutting school or being caught with marijuana. Not sure – but nothing out of the norm for a teenage girl who had spent her entire life being abused. I actually was sent to a girls home for a few weeks, imagine the horror. The girls in there were so bad, they had stabbed other girls and done some really awful things, I did not belong there. I finally was able to move out of the house when I was 17. Still in HS, I found some roommates and 4 of us girls, we shared an upper flat apartment on the west side of Buffalo. I managed to finish HS while working nights and did graduate. That was the beginning of the end for me.

The other day, after answering my yoga teachers question about my childhood and seeing the reaction on her face and in her words, it FINALLY occurred to me, that what happened was absolutely awful, beyond awful. And I was allowed to be sad for the little girl who led a totally messed up life. Who didn’t get to just be a little girl, who had her childhood robbed from her and never got the love she truly deserved. You see, when shit like that happens, you go into survival mode. That may look differently for each person, but regardless, you either have to pick yourself up and carry on or have a downward spiral into a not so good place.

I did have years where I self medicated and did bad things to my body, but for the most part I attempted to take the healthy approach to recovery by going to therapy and talking about it. But by the time I was able to afford and recognize that I needed therapy, I was already dealing with some of the repercussions of the years of abuse. I couldn’t have healthy relationships, I became promiscuous, abused drugs and so I attempted to work on the symptoms instead of the cause. Like I said, we did speak about the past but I could never make the connection in my mind that the events of life up until that point formed the person who I was. I refused to become a victim, I was able to function in most of my friendships, relationships, had a decent career and became a functional member of society. Little did I know, I had so much more healing to do. Little did I know, until these realizations and emotions surfaced the other day, that I had not allowed myself to grieve, to feel sorry for the little innocent girl who was taken advantage of and treated with cruelty and abuse instead of love.

It doesn’t end there, now, 20 years later I have a body that doesn’t want to cooperate with me, and I have to wonder how much of a connection there is between what happened then and what is occurring now. Perhaps I’m not such an anomaly after all, maybe I’m just a girl who needs to continue to grieve and heal. One who needs to acknowledge that loving myself, showing compassion for myself is not a sign of weakness. It’s not being the victim, it’s being the girl who deserves every ounce of love she can muster up for herself.

And Infertility, it’s like pouring salt in the wound, because all I have ever wanted, is to love my own child the way I always wanted to be loved. To protect my child, the way I should have been protected. To kiss my child the way I should have been kissed.

Thank you Leanne, for leading me to this place where I can finally begin to heal that. Thank you to my friends, for showing me that it’s ok for me to go there, to feel what I need to so I can really move on with my life.

Birth Announcement + Home Study + Heart Palpitations & Uterine Cramps

2011-05-04T10:49:00.005-05:00

My nephew Jake was born yesterday. I don't have a picture to share because nobody in my family told me. I guess being an Infertile makes you an outcast in your own family, well an Infertile who doesnt speak to her sister who was knocked up by accident at the age of 40. If you haven't been reading my blog very long, my sister and I do not have a relationship and haven't spoken for many years. There is some history posted here if you care to read. My father made a proud announcement on FB of how his third grandchild was born. My initial response brewing in my mind was "No thanks to me". It wasn't a good day. But a child was born, and regardless of the circumstances, and ill feelings between my sister and myself, I wish that baby well, and will surround him with light. It just boggles my mind how a woman who gets pregnant by accident and smokes her entire pregancy is privledged to a healthy baby. Not that I wish anything different, but after being a part of this community for so long, it makes it harder for me to understand. I see what we go through day in and day out to be healthy, to do the right thing. Really makes me question life and my faith sometimes.

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Hubs and I had a home study Monday evening, we are adopting another fur baby! We are working with a local english bulldog rescue. The ladies came to visit and check out our home and interview us to help make a good match. I did drop the Infertile card, knowing that they would feel sorry for me, although I think they already knew our babies were spoiled regardless. They are bringing a possible match over on Friday to see how we all get along. Cannot wait! Hubs and I also decided to do some volunteer work with this agency. We will work some Fundraiser events and help transport dogs or foster for 1 or 2 nights when they are in a pinch. Cannot wait!

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I have been experiencing heart palpitations the last couple days and low uterine cramps as of this morning. Not sure whats going on with my hormones, but I am pretty sure they are both hormonally induced. I am taking a natural progesterone cream, do you think it can be causing both? My nipples are still sore, and they were sore before I even started using the cream, so I know its not the cause of that. My breasts do feel a bit more tender since I started the cream, but I think thats's to be expected. If my calculations are correct I am 8 DPO. I don't want to test because a) it's to early and b) if I'm not pregnant I want to live in this fantasy world with the possibility that I just might be for as long as I can, because it makes me happy, almost giddy.

Sore Nippled & Perplexed

2011-05-02T11:55:00.003-05:00

I’m not sure how long it’s been since I wrote a post like this, but just when you think your beyond something, the universe loves to dish out some crazy mind games.

So this cycle I started my OPK tests on CD 11, I haven’t gotten a positive yet and I am CD 16. Actually the test was pretty dark on CD 11, so I thought I was about to ovulate, because I had some really great CM that day and the day prior. Interestingly enough, the tests got lighter and lighter. I stopped testing.

On Friday last week, I had some very peculiar & mild uterine cramps. The kind that make you go “hmm, what is going on in there?” It wasn’t ovulation type pain, so I found it odd, but kind of ignored it, seeing how I have arrived to a point where I don’t think I’ll get pregnant on my own until my weight issue is addressed.

On Saturday morning, I woke up with sore nipples and as of today, they are still sore. It’s been a really long time since I ave felt this way, but I kind of have my hopes up. I have only had sore nipples a couple cycles since we started trying to conceive and those two cycles I might have thought I was pregnant (I tried going back to my charts to see if they were the cycles that I experienced implantation bleeding – but I have to read through the notes of each chart and haven’t been able to determine that yet).

So I went back and did the math. If I ovulated the day I think I did, I am 6 DPO today and if the uterine cramps were implantation, the sore nipples started the next day. I have done tons of googling and have read many stories of women experiencing implantation 3DPO, so while it may not be common, it’s not unheard of.

So next step was to verify if hubs and I had good timing with our non-baby making encounters (except for the day I had excellent CM- I pounced on him). Well it appears as though we did, the chart shows we had 3 perfectly timed encounters (which included our weekend getaway to Austin, which I haven’t written about yet).

So here I am, sore nippled and perplexed, thinking someone is playing an awfully cruel joke on me. If this was a miracle, and I was pregnant, how ironic would that be after the month I completely lost it. And if I am not, how awful after the breakdown I just had. For once in my life, please let this outcome fall in our favor.

Anomaly

2011-04-28T10:02:00.006-05:00

I am an anomaly. That is what I was told by Dr Whacko during my last visit with him. Not something you want to hear as a patient, because that translates into he doesn’t know what is wrong with me and getting a diagnosis, let alone a “cure” to my situation seems unattainable, a shot in the dark.

I haven’t posted much because I don’t have much to update you with. I’m still fat and I’m still barren, after saying that for five and two years respectively, it kind of gets old…and writing about it or talking about it seems to just endlessly perpetuate the ridiculously absurd situation. So I am at a loss for words, speechless. I wish I had something more for you, for me, for my husband, our parents and family. I wish I had more.

After the last breakdown, I had another just days apart, except this time, even worse. I think that’s where I became numb. I’m not going to say I have given up, I’m a fighter who is relentless, I don’t think I will ever give up on trying to figure out what is wrong with me, but my focus has clearly shifted back to understanding why my body is inflamed and fat, rather than trying to have a baby, because I know in my heart of hearts, unless I figure this out, I will never become pregnant. So the baby making, at the age of 40 has taken the backseat. I give up, I surrender. I am slowly trying to come to terms with the fact that it may never happen. Let’s be realistic. In my mind, its best to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I would rather break my own heart than have my heart broken.

It’s really hard to get others to understand the seriousness of my illness, whatever it is. I am completely functional, I look healthy, I come to work every day, I work out, I eat great yet on the inside I am falling apart, emotionally and physically. My body is attacking itself somehow, it doesn’t know how to behave. The inflammation, the high CRP test results, is indicative of this attack taking place. It scares the fuck out of me that nobody can fix me, or tell what is wrong, definitively. Whatever it is, will kill me, indirectly because you can’t be obese without it having severe repercussions on your body, making your heart work harder, and all of your organs. You see, when I say that I am fat and infertile, nobody views that as life threatening. Nobody knows what I have done to try and correct this to no avail. I fell like nobody truly understands how serious this is. And I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to convince people, or justify my endless doctor appointments, I’m tired of trying to figure this out. If I had blood gushing out of my eyeballs, perhaps that would appear more serious, get more attention, but because it’s all internal, it’s all transparent. The only thing that shows is my frustration and hurt, my concern which is often misconstrued as me being a hypochondriac or dramatic. And I say this because nobody has ever once said they are scared for me. Nobody has ever once said, let me take you to the doctors – nobody understands and it’s a pretty fucked up place to be. So I am done talking about it. I am done with doctors for a while if Dr Whacko can’t help me.

Just so I don’t sound totally depressing, I do have some good news. My last cycle was 30 days long with a 4 day period. 4 days of great flow. First time in ages. In addition, I had beautiful fertile CM the other day , haven’t seen that in a long time. I am hopeful that things are slowly changing for the better in that area. My weight?! Still the same as it was last year, before I went Gluten free, before I dropped sugar and grains and most dairy, still the same. It makes me sick.

I ran across this video posted on somebody’s FB page the other day and it made me wonder if it’s worth checking out this doctor, depending on what happens with Dr Whacko: And yes, I have the thing he mentions and holds up, (don’t we all?)

Thank you to those of you who have recently nominated me for awards, I truly appreciate your kindness and am flattered by your offering. Please do forgive me for not playing along, my heart is not in it right now, I can't muster up the energy to play right now.

Still Here

2011-04-18T13:26:00.002-05:00

Before I proceed, I have to express my thanks to you girls for truly being here for me during my journey, especially through the valleys. I don’ know what I would do without you. At times I feel like walking away from this blog, this life….but there is such an amazing exchange of support, love and information, there’s no way I could live without each of you. All of your comments validated me, uplifted me and most importantly were empathetic, I love you all.

Since that post, I have come close to (or maybe even had) a nervous breakdown. This is all so overwhelming. Just when I think there’s nothing left to take away from me, the Dr’s always find something, which leaves me feeling depleted and everybody has a breaking point I suppose. I received some blood labs in the mail friday when I got home from work, which showed some numbers that were getting worse, rather than improving. I felt sick to my stomach and started to cry. Saturday morning I was no longer sad but filled with rage and anger again. My poor husband got to see a side of me that hasn’t in a long while. It wasn’t pretty. Of course all is well now, but boy do I hate finding myself in such a place, turning on the one person who has supported me all along. I am not worthy. I could blame it all on the full moon or my period arriving the next day. Perhaps my hormones are out of whack, or maybe the detox supplements have me spewing venom. All I know is I am angry, beyond words. I am pissed off at the world. F bombs are flying lately. It’s very out of character and very sad.

And speaking of period, do you think it’s possible I am actually having a period? Is it possible I missed my LH surge and DID indeed ovulate? That is my hope, but from what I have read, I can still get a “period” even if I didn’t ovulate, which is all new territory to me. I had two cycles in the past where I didn’t O, but they ended up being much longer or shorter cycles. This cycle was 30 days, my luteal phase has never been shorter than 14 days which puts me at ovulation on CD 16. If my calculations are correct, then I am thrilled that my eggs had so much more time to mature than normal (I normally O on CD 12). This could really go either way and because I didn’t temp or chart, I have no way of confirming if I really O’d. I guess this next cycle will give me a better idea of where I stand and if maybe my cycles are getting longer. I really hope so, because me thinking I did not ovulate was one of the things that set me off this cycle.

This past weekend we planted our garden, enjoyed our first jacuzzi soak, went out to dinner and I even indulged in some ice cream. I am tired of being so hard on myself and from now on I am cutting myself some slack. Hubs and I are going to take friday off, extend the weekend and head to Austin. We both really need some down time.

Condemned

2011-04-11T11:10:00.010-05:00

I’ve had some time, (30 cycles and 2+ years now to be exact) to think about Infertility. To go through the never ending cycles of emotions, to evolve on some levels and digress on others with each passing cycle. I often waiver in my thoughts. On a good day I believe there’s a purpose behind it all and perhaps even a hidden blessing in the grand scheme of things that one day will be revealed to me. However, I haven’t arrived to a place yet where I can say that with certainty. On bad days, I feel like I have been cheated, shafted, forgotten about. I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have stolen in my teens or had premarital sex because this is now the price to pay for my sins. And then there’s days where I believe I have been condemned. This is worse than a death sentence because at least with a death sentence, there’s an end in sight. And yes I know, there's eternal life, and our pain & suffering will go away after we die, so in a sense, infertility and disease in general is a death sentence, because you have to wait until you die to get what you want, if ever.... unless you’re lucky enough to bring home a baby by whatever means possible in this lifetime.

I try really hard to have a positive attitude, to see the silver lining in each and every situation. But lately I keep thinking what a fucken joke the last 5 years of my life have been in terms of my body. They say we have free will, we have the power to make choices and change our own lives, but really, let’s be serious, with all of choices I have made, do I really have free will? Most people decide they want to lose weight, they go on a diet or exercise, or both, and they lose the weight. Most people want to have a baby and they have sex and get pregnant. Some people lose weight or fall pregnant without even trying. I feel like I have no control over my body, my life. I feel like the harder I try to fix my weight and fertility issues, the less my body cooperates.

So then I have to sit here and ask myself, why would God give me the ability and circumstances to reproduce, to have a family, but not fulfill my desires? Wouldn't it be better if I wasn't even trying and didn't know I was infertile? And yes, I often think to myself, why would God give me the discipline to make great healthy choices and stick with them,(because God knows, I am not doing this all on my own accord) but not the ability to see my desire and need to lose weight come to fruition? Why must I have to struggle? Surrendering doesn’t seem like an option me, because doing nothing is only going to make matters worse. What does surrender look like? How do you let go and yet still practice free will? Apparently praying doesn't work either. And I know sometimes unanswered prayers are answers, but how am I supposed to have that sit well with me after 5 years?!

It seems as thoughmy body is flipping me the bird….but before I come across as whiney or impatient, as I told Dr Whacko last week, my complaints aren’t pertaining strictly to my recent changes, this is 5 years of accumulative frustration, hard work and little to no results. I won’t even tell you what I had to do to lose weight for our wedding. It was border line unhealthy territory and of course when I went back to “normal” eating, I gained every pound back. Also everything I did was not sustainable and that is the first way to set yourself up for failure. That is why I have made serious lifestyle changes, so I could maintain whatever success I accomplish this time around. Jokes on me hunh?!

I really want to be a great example for others, for my husband and my children, so they could see my success and feel inspired....but instead I feel like a failure. I feel like all I'm doing is proving to the world that hard work and discipline do NOT pay off. Don't stress yourself out, because "she is doing all of this" and it's not working for her, so why bother?! Not the impression I want to set. I want to be a success, not a failure. When others are looking for inspiration, they turn to the success stories...not this.

All I want is to see reasonable results for my work, for my dedication and commitment to my health. I want to know that this is worth it. I am so tired of spinning my wheels, which have no rubber left one them at this point. I am tired, I am angry, I am frustrated and I am at wits end. Perhaps it's good that I am 40, because I couldn't imagine having a decade in front of me right now, to potentially have to deal with this shit. I do not see how any good is coming out of this insanity, this cruel absurdity and downright deflating path I am on. Lately, I feel condemned.

Back in the Saddle Again

2011-04-08T11:14:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I had two doctors appointments. I had my annual with my GP who fills my prescription for my Synthroid, so I had to see her to get that refilled. My goal is to go off Synthroid eventually, but right now its last on my list. My doctor asked how I was doing, and I replied with “besides not being able to lose weight for 4 years and not being able to get pregnant for over 2, I am as good as can be expected." I hate the looks, the awwwww, pity you look. I don’t want looks or sympathy, you’re the damn doctor, fix it! She just said she wishes she had a magic pill. I couldn’t continue to take my failures out on her, so I just requested that she run some tests on me, some of them non-standard (functional med test) that she kindly let me know was not standard, but agreed to do most of them. She checked my heart, ears, nose and organs, had my blood drawn and sent me on my way.

My next appointment was with Dr Whacko. We made progress, instead of 6 hrs, it was only 5 hrs long! My gosh it’s so exhausting, and I can’t really tell you where all the times goes. We did spend close to the first hour talking about where I am and how I feel. I bluntly asked him when I can expect to start seeing results in terms of weight loss. He said when I stop weighing myself, funny guy. He asked if I liked to watch the water boil….and made it clear he wasn’t trying to be insensitive, but rather set realistic expectations for me by putting things into perspective. He reminded me, as some of you have in your comments, I have made tremendous progress even if the scale doesn’t show it yet. And he does feel as though my success will be like a damn opening, once the weight starts melting off, it’s just going to fly off me. He said there’s clearly some points broken in my body and whatever broke 5 years ago, we are going to fix again. He suspects I am fighting a mild infection in my body, but right now his goal is to get my somewhat raised blood pressure lowered, getting my body and hormones working optimally again and get me pregnant. We went over my meals so he could try and determine where we could improve more and we decided in order to jump start my metabolism, that we would remove fruit which is another form of sugar, for 30 days. I nearly cried, but thought, I did this with the Candida cleanse, I can certainly do it again. Not fun, but I’m not going to die or anything.

I let him know I didn’t ovulate and he said with everything we dumped into my body to detox, he’s not surprised. He reminded me how genius the body is and thus the reason I haven’t fallen pregnant thus far…it knows when things aren’t right inside. I wish it was smart enough to auto-correct.

We did some more muscle testing and I have to admit, even I was not fully sold on it. But he sure as hell shocked the heck out of me when the muscle test revealed a problem that only I, not he, knew about. He said that all disease starts in the mouth, and while I don’t fully comprehend this, it seems to be a common belief with Traditional Chinese Medicine as well. He did some muscle testing on my mouth (teeth & gums) by having me place a finger on each tooth/gum and move my finger around my mouth testing each tooth. What he didn’t know is I have one bad tooth…I had a crown put on twice and the third time it broke, I refused to spend another $800 to replace it until I absolutely needed to. It’s been two years now and hasn’t bothered me at all so I just left it as is…I grind my teeth and I wasn’t about to spend $800 just to crack it again. Well when I put my finger on that tooth (which he couldn’t see, it’s towards the back of my mouth) I clearly failed the test. I was amazed, and I even held tighter that test thinking “I will prove him wrong” – but nope – he proved to me it really works! So we did some mud packs on that tooth (totally gross having clay mudpacks in your mouth for 10 minutes. But interestingly enough, that tooth led to the ovary on the same side that failed the test as well as my knee that hurts on the same side of the body. I think when something is off on one meridian it can through everything off in that meridian as well. So I had mud packs on my knee and ovary as well.

I also did the clay foot soak and he did the mud pack on my sinuses, to help clear them out. Then he retested all my nutrition to make sure my current supplements were working and see if I needed anything changed. It’s a really long process and sometimes I wonder what I am doing, but when he tells me stories of how he cured one of his patients from stage 4 breasts cancer using his treatments, it re-sparks my hope and faith in him and his ability to fix anything. Clearly if he can cure cancer he can cure sub-fertility, right?! While I was lying there waiting for my mud packs to dry- he asked me what we are going to name our first born. He has 6 children and delivered 3 of the six at home. Pretty amazing.

After all was said & done, I had to go home and take a bath in my detox clay bath. It’s pretty gross but it helps get the toxins out that are released during treatments. Afterwards I felt some activity on my ovary that he worked on and my knee didn’t hurt going up the stairs anymore. Today I have a headache which is another indicator of toxins releasing so I have to up my liver supplements which should resolve it.

This morning I decided to get on the scale (after standing there starring at it, pondering what Dr W said yesterday) And I thought, just jump on and don’t check again for another week or two Kim, use this as your baseline of starting no sugar. Well low and behold I have dropped 3 pounds!! (plus another 2 I was down before that weigh in) so 5 total.

Next appointment in 3-4 weeks.

Muddling Through, Mentally

2011-04-04T10:33:00.001-05:00

It has been about a month since my first visit with Dr Wacko. Since then I have made so many changes in my diet and removing toxins from my environment that I feel like I should be seeing some results. It just doesn’t make sense to me to make so many changes and have nothing to show for it. And by NOTHING, I mean, the 6 lbs I lost, I gained back…so no weight loss, and what feels like stalled progress. I feel great physically, sleeping great, eating great, high levels of energy, hitting the gym 5 days per week…..but yet according to my scale and OPK’s I have not made any improvements, I have actually gotten worse.

Perhaps the stalled progress was a result of backing away from all of my supplements for over a week, due to the reaction I initially had. I only introduced half of them back last week, up until this weekend when I added the rest back in (including the DHEA) with no issues. Perhaps I should see what the next couple of weeks brings before judging the situation, but its maddening to be here, CD 18 with no signs of ovulation occurring. I thought maybe I missed the surge, I was only testing 1 per day instead of 2x per day and we all know we can miss a surge that way, but my cervix seems to be sitting fairly high, where it always does pre-ovulation. I wish I didn’t have to track it, I wish I didn’t know, because all this does is cause me stress. It makes me worry and question myself and plans to becoming healthier and fertile.
_________

Many of you ask what I eat in a day, seeing how I have such a restrictive diet (no gluten, no grains, no dairy, no processed foods, 99.9% organic). Here are a couple sample menus from the past two days:
Note: Every day I drink over 100 ounces of filtered water. I only drink out of glass, so I purchased 3 large VOSS bottles and fill them each morning and carry them to work each day, bring them back home and rinse/repeat.

Breakfast: Hot filtered water with fresh lemon juice & freshly grated ginger , 2 eggs scrambled / 2 Applegate sausage links cooked in coconut oil

Mid-Morning Snack: A handful of almonds

Lunch: Homemade soup, I cook it on Sunday and then heat stovetop in the morning, then packed into my thermos because I do not use microwaves anymore. This week, my soup is beef. I made the broth myself yesterday. The soup has all organic ingredients including, grass fed beef, collard greens, mushrooms, green beans, onions, carrots, red wine, garlic, celery, shallots & mixed herbs (Thyme, rosemary, sea salt)

Afternoon Snack: Apple (alone or sometimes with a bit of freshly ground almond butter from whole foods)

Dinner: Chicken or beef kebobs with fresh spring mix salad, red onion, cherry tomato, cucumber, carrot with EVOO & vinegar dressing)

Snack: Grilled pear wedges with cinnamon & crushed walnuts

Day 2

Breakfast: Hot Green Tea, Smoothie with frozen banana & berries, L-Glutamine, Maca Root, Probiotic & Whey protein

Snack: Handful of nuts

Lunch: Homemade organic chicken soup, carrots, celery.

Snack: Pumpkin Seeds

Dinner: Chicken Lettuce wraps, made with chopped organic chicken breasts, scallions, water chestnuts, mushrooms, onions, Tamari, sesame oil.

Snack: 85% Cocoa Chocolate (1-2 squares )

Vanilla Roobios Tea (it’s so yummy it feels like dessert to me)

It can be difficult being creative at times, but somehow I manage. If anybody is good at meal planning or has meal planning tips I would be open to suggestions. With my restricted diet, if I don’t plan, it makes it very difficult. I have eaten out a couple times and managed to stay on plan (except I am sure the food was not organic which is why I steer away from eating out as much as possible) It just doesn’t make sense to invest so much time and money into my meals just to go eat and ingest crap, so I avoid it as much as I can.

Below is my workout schedule:
M-W-F: Yoga
T & Th: Weight Training

__________

We just had a busy but nice weekend. I managed to get the car inspected, washed, food shopping, laundry, floors mopped, house cleaned, volunteer at Children’s Medical Saturday morning, pedicures, clothes shopping, and dinner with the hubs boss & wife (Lucy’s parents, as a thank you for watching her). It was
lovely.

________

Next Dr Wacko appointment, this week, update to follow.

Smack Dab

2011-03-28T10:30:00.004-05:00

I have noticed a shift in my attitude since we moved work locations back in January. When I transitioned into this current role, I resisted it. I wanted nothing to do with it. Added responsibility and not what I was hired for, so I graciously took on the responsibility temporarily, over 3 years ago. What I didn’t know would happen, was that I would grow to love what I do and it would become a permanent position. Sometimes what we resist , persists and sometimes what we think we don’t want ends up being a hidden blessing.

With that said, I drove into work today, enjoying my short side streets only commute, thinking how much more I love my job since we moved. The new building is beautiful, I love my new workspace, I love our outdoor space, each afternoon I go plant my feet in the grass and sit and stare out at the lake. It’s very serene. I love having nice surroundings. They have little areas throughout the building with sofas and lounge chairs where you can go sit and hang out, have impromptu meetings, watch TV. Not to mention Starbucks, full service cafeteria, dry cleaning and a bank. The gym and onsite classes is one of my favorite perks. There is an onsite daycare as well, if we ever get pregnant and I have to return to work, my baby would be 100 feet away from all day long.

When we moved to TX over 5 years ago, I took a few months off of work before searching for a new job. I used the time to unpack, get us situated, and acclimate myself to our new surroundings. The first job I applied for was this one and I was hired. The women who sent my resume over to HR has my married name. I always thought she was related to my husband somehow (I used to work with him and she was a staffing partner with the company I now work for). She left work to go be a stay at home mom right after she passed my resume along.

Some things are just meant to be. I trust that everything happens for a reason, and while we sometimes don’t understand the twists and turmoil that occurs along the way, we often look back and have an appreciation for what it took for us to arrive to where we are.

Today when I arrived to work I noticed my gas light was on. I checked the digital reading to see how many miles I had before empty to make sure I could make it to the gas station after work without any issues. While scanning through the various read outs, I noticed the numbers 111 appear. I hadn’t seen those numbers in a while and lately they are everywhere again. I saw 444 on the way to work today and the other day I saw 888 and 999 back to back. My angels or universe are speaking to me again and usually that happens when I am on course, or so that is my belief.

As you all know the numbers 111 are near and dear to my heart, whenever I see them I feel a sense of calm come over me which serves as a reminder I am exactly where I should be. This morning as I sat in the parking lot at work, I realized I am not where I thought I would be in my journey, but I am exactly where I should be. Interestingly enough, my commute miles to work and home each day now? ! 11.1 miles.

I think certain events need to take place for everything to fall perfectly into place. Looking back, I believe I needed to fall into this position at work and then have the company physically move for me to arrive to a place where I am very happy. I think there is still more to come, and right now I am smack dab in the middle of where I should be. I cannot wait to see the future unfold and I thank God for the little subtle reminders that let me know I am precisely where I need to be.

Fragments

2011-03-24T15:21:00.008-05:00

As planned, I gave up grains nearly two weeks ago (last Monday) – in one week I lost 6 lbs! It is my hope that the weight keeps melting off – I had no idea how high the glycemic index was on these starchy foods ( white potatoes, rice and corn). As it relates to insulin, as far as my body was concerned, I was pouring sugar down my throat. If I am insulin sensitive at all, this could have been part of my inability to lose weight all this time! As healthy as I have been, I have always eaten those items, thinking they were ok as long as I paired them with a protein. Not so much!

***

Shortly after I started all my new supplements, I began to experience abdominal pain, so severe I ended up out of work for a day and a half. The problem is the pain started a day after my period arrived, so I thought I was having a bad cycle with unusual cramps. Turns out, after stopping everything and adding some things back – the pain was coming from my DHEA, which makes me very unhappy, because along with that side effect, I was feeling my ovaries much like I did on FSH injections! They were tender and sore and definitely responding to the DHEA just after 1 short week of being on it. I was so convinced, I wanted to call my RE and schedule an ultrasound just to see my ovaries/follies on the U/S. Now there is a small possibility that the DHEA along with all my new supplements caused the issue, because until I started taking the new stuff, the DHEA hadn’t been a problem. It’s hard to say. Dr Whacko pulled me off everything but the basics (Vitamin D, Digestive enzymes, etc) and he will gradually reintroduce some of them. His analogy was “If you have a clogged drain and a put a large amount of Drano down the pipe it can cause it to back up but when you put the adequate amount it flushes out and gets things working again. You are virtually experiencing the same thing in your gut.”. With that said we will be taking it easy moving forward. I will be seeing him again next week. I do want to get back on the DHEA as soon as possible, so hopefully by body cooperates with me. I have noticed the inflammation in my legs is reduced considerably, so I am feeling very optimistic we are headed in the right direction.

***

I began my weight lifting workout routine last week, Dr Whacko wants me lifting 2x per week hitting all the major muscle groups. He has me following the Power of 10 on one of the days..I am very interested to see how soon I notice improvements with my overall muscle mass. In addition I am doing Yoga 3 days a week and will start a kickboxing class on Tuesdays to get some cardio in. With the weather nice, I will probably start taking the pups for nice long walks again.

***

We finally applied for our passports, mine was due for renewal and hubs had to get his for the first time (since he recently became a citizen). We should have gotten them a long time ago for our trip to Europe that would have been coming up in the next week or so, but seeing how we indefinitely delayed that trip, we weren’t in a hurry. We are going to do a weekend trip just to get out of town for a few days, maybe visit wine country or Austin. I love road trips and we haven’t taken one since we moved here (except for daytime road trips, I like to be Dora and go exploring).

***

We finally took the plunge and invested in a good mattress (tempur-pedic) I am still getting used to it, but hubs says his back feels better already! I will pretty much fall asleep anywhere, so it doesn’t take much to please me, but going from a box spring/pillow top top to memory foam is an adjustment.

***

We are thinking about turning my office, the should be baby room, into a workout room. I haven’t used my office since I finished school years ago and it’s wasted space right now. We have left it alone for two years with intentions of making it the nursery, but I just feel like we should move forward with our plans and if a baby surprises us, we have nine months to convert it. Currently we have the elliptical in the guest bedroom along with my weights and ball, but we would like to add a treadmill and perhaps some more weights and a bench to the mix. Still deciding, for some reason it’s hard to make the leap mentally…feels like giving up on a lifelong dream.

***

I am surrounded by baby bumps, everywhere I go baby bumps. They never really bothered me, but when I see 5 or more of them in one outing, its’ really heart breaking. I also had my first awkward situation at work where I found out a girl who knew we were having problems conceiving, kept her pregnancy from me and while speaking with me and the Yoga teacher, who asked why she hadn’t been to class to which the teacher said “Oh my gosh I forgot you were expecting”. The girl quickly started saying how nobody knew and she just told her family. Coincidentally a few minutes earlier I had walked into the dressing room and she was speaking with another girl and the room went silent when I walked in - right before her outting.

I really do understand people wanting to protect me and my feelings and I understand their intentions are good, but I really hate being put into awkward situations where I have to smile and say Congratulations when I am caught completely off guard and vulnerable. Not fun, not at all. My heart sank.

***

Hubs niece is planning a family vacation for late July or early August, we are all going to meet up somewhere, looks like maybe Aruba! I hope it all works out, that would be a blast and I certainly could use the vacation. Hopefully I will be in swimsuit shape or if not, gladly sporting a baby bump by then. A girl can dream right?

***

Sorry my posts are in fragmented paragraphs, my mind doesn’t formulate complete thoughts anymore.

MedSpa

2011-03-16T11:42:00.009-05:00

My doctor appointments seem to become longer each visit. It’s funny how we become accustomed to longer wait times than actual time spent with doctors. When you make the transition to Functional medicine, that changes. You rarely wait and your visits turn into hours. I spent hours at my appointment yesterday, 6 to be exact….it was long, enjoyable, exhausting, and strangely peculiar - it was a cross between being at the spa, a friends house and the twilight zone, I guess it's what a MedSpa would be like. I consider myself to be an open minded person, meaning I am able to escape linear thinking. But even I thought to myself, “what the hell am I doing here?” at some points last night. But it’s all good, I reminded myself exactly why I was there.

My appointment started with me proudly bragging about all the changes I had made since last visit. If you remember that list of things to do, it was pretty long. I was proud to announce that I have crossed 99% of those to do items off my list, and I could see how pleased he was with me in his smile. He, the Dr. looked at me and said I make a great Doctor. Not for my ability to Diagnose per say, but to treat myself. regardless, I was flattered. I do take pride in my countless hours of research and ownership of my health.

Afterwards we jumped into muscle testing (applied Kineseology) on all of my medicines and supplements I am currently taking, to see what was serving me and what was acting as toxins in my body. Interestingly, there are a few I have stopped taking and a couple I will be transitioning to something different. My prescription prenatals – toxic! He said throw them in the garbage (don't worry he is giving me a folic acid to take in it's place). I haven’t done much research on the ingredients in FDA approved medicines, but it’s very apparent that our government has no issues with approving paper and other harmful ingredients as fillers in our foods and medicines. It’s also apparent that if there’s less than a certain percentage of a specific ingredient in a food or medicine, the company doesn’t have to legally report it. Great, so exactly what are we consuming?! And so when people argue that supplements aren’t FDA approved, yes I understand we need to use scrutiny and discretion with the suppliers we choose like we would anything else, but my answer is good, I am glad it’s not regulated by our government because some companies have higher standards than they do.

After we went through all the meds and supplements, we did a mud pack on my hands & feet to help open up the channels (meridians) in my body and get stuff flowing. My body is stagnant, so my fat cells just sit there and accumulate toxins…..until my high blood pressure pumps them throughout my body at rates that are not healthy. My liver is weak, my blood is sticky , my hypothalamus and pituitary are not functioning optimally. All things that Miss Shelly (my acupuncturist) tried to resolve but couldn’t. He found some “blockage” on my left ovary, which is the one that has been most problematic for me, anytime I have cysts, that’s where we see them on the U/S. His assistant did the mud packs on my ovaries for me, today they feel hard.

In between the hand & feet & ovary mud packs, I was given a cup of green tea with honey to enjoy along with a foot soak. Not the kind that makes the water dirty from your toxins, the kind that starts off dirty because its filled with all kinds of clays & salts that help detox & cleanse the body. It just felt amazing. My hands & feet have returned to being freezing all the time since I switched back to Synthroid and so the heat from the soaks & teas were delightful! Later I was given a special type of coffee with chocolate in it, out of this world! He wouldn’t give me permission to start drinking those yet, while I am breaking my coffee cravings.

Of course I have a bunch of new supplements including Royal Jelly and progesterone creams, to address all the issues we detected during the testing and I will take them in the form of cocktails and pills. I do hate taking so many supplements but the goal is to get down to nothing, eventually…except the general maintenance things like D3 and Omegas. Sometimes I think the supplements are extreme, I do take over 25 pills a day, but then I think, isn't injecting oursleves full of thousands of dollars of hormones just as, if not more extreme?!

I have come to realize that I have chosen a very difficult path. Many of the people I encounter, whether in person or via blog, roll their eyes or pooh pooh my treatment plan and might even think I am nuts. I then find myself justifying my behaviors, and feeling defensive about my choices. While my own husband supports whatever I do, even he doesn’t believe in this type of treatment like most people. I understand we are all unique and each have our own ideas and opinions about how to achieve optimal health or even pregnancy, or parenthood. So I want to make it clear, I am not here to push my thoughts on other or to seek anyones approval in what I am doing. This is my life and my choice. Some might agree, others might not, and I appreciate those who show their support even when they think I'n coo coo for cocoa puffs, for those of you who do I thank you. I thank those who worry that I might find myself 42 and not pregnant still because I choose this path. I have already come to the conclusion that I cannot live without trying this. I will always wonder what if. We have tried fertility treatments, granted not IVF, but nothing seems to be working! And so this is where I find myself teetering back and forth between eastern, western and functional medicines.

What I have learned through this process is there are no band aids to poor health or chronic illness. While some might accept their situation or symptoms as “normal” I know that whatever is going on with my body is not normal. My situation is unique, all of our situations are. I am not just dealing with Infertility, Infertility for me is a symptom, not a diagnosis. I should not be the weight I am considering the lifestyle I live. There is nothing normal about that. There’s a difference in accepting your situation and embracing it. Yes I will be the first to admit that I have gone to some perceived extremes to try and get healthy and ultimately pregnant. Perhaps this mission started out with me trying to get pregnant, after I began to accept that my current health condition was not going to change after years of spinning my wheels. Trying to conceive unsuccessfully just proved to me that there was unfinished work there, that I simply could not ignore. Perhaps Infertility was placed in front of me to give me the extra push I needed to get to the core of my health issues, to dig deeper, to reach further and look harder. Because really, who in their SANE mind doesnt just throw in the towel after this many years of no answers. Perhaps this is saving my life somehow, who knows. I have no idea why I have worked so hard and seen such little results. I am currently only 15lbs away from my highest weight ever. Isn’t that strange for someone who hasn’t eaten processed food in nearly a year?

I cannot live with the knowledge I have and not do something about it. Over 50% of Americans live with Chronic illness today of which a huge percentage can be controlled through diet & exercise. I refuse to be part of that percentage. I refuse to settle for a quality of life that’s less than what I deserve. I refuse to give up, because if I do, then who is going to do it for me? I value my life, my body, my marriage, I value this gift and all I want is to be healthy. Healthy and a mom. Is that too much to ask?

“Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make. Something you do. Something you are. And something you give away.” ~ Robert Fulghum

Three's Company

2011-03-14T09:26:00.006-05:00

We have had a visitor since Thursday evening. Her name is Lucy – she is 5 months old! It’s been an eye opener having a puppy around again, ours have been full grown for so many years now, we forgot what the two hour long bursts of energy are like! Needless to say, she is a cutie pie and a joy to have around. Truth be told, I think hubs is trying to manipulate me into agreeing to another. He has a thing for English Bulldogs and knew I would fall in love with Lucy as soon as I met her. The kids are adjusting to a “baby” in the house, as far as they are concerned we are a retirement community. The jury is still out on whether or not we will grow our family to three.

Lucy-Lu

_________

After the hysteroscopy my throat got progressively worse, to the point where swallowing water hurt. When I took deep breaths, my entire clavicle area hurt as well, so tender. I called the doctor’s office and they said unfortunately it was common after surgery due to the breathing tube and I could take the pain pills they prescribed. Vicodin? For a sore throat? Really? No thank you. I didn’t even take them for the surgery why would I take them for my throat? Fortunately I was all better by Friday. I went to work Wednesday but ended up taking Thursday off. I think all the meetings on the day I returned (5 to be exact) was too much for my throat and only exasperated an already bad situation. So I took Thursday off and didn’t speak all day, took ibuprofen, which did wonders. Problem fixed.

________

Only 2 more birth control pills and I can have my body back. I am beyond thrilled to stop taking them. I did have some pink spotting the other day which makes me wonder exactly what is going on. I feel like I have experienced some mild nausea here and there and can’t help but to think it’s the pill. Grossness.

_______

This past weekend hubs installed the shower filter and I purchased a thermos and Rooibos tea (thanks Maddy). So I no longer take chlorinated showers, use the microwave or drink my cup of half calf at night. I am coffee, microwave and chlorine free! A few steps closer to optimal health. I gave up grains starting today, so no more white potatoes, rice or corn products. Seeing how I am already Gluten-Free, that doesnt leave much. I have done a lot of reading on low GI (glycemic index) & GL (glycemic load) diets and feel that not only are they good for women dealing with Infertility (PCOS specifically) but I think it’s good in general for your overall health. It might be just what I need to see some weight loss occur. Some people are super sensitive to insulin spikes and perhaps the reason why I find it nearly impossible to lose weight or get pregnant. It certainly can’t hurt.

_______

I went to the spa this weekend using a Groupon I purchased a while back for an inch loss body wrap. Thought it would be a good way to detox and jump start my weight loss undertaking. I did lose over 7 inches combined between my arms, waist, butt and legs. My pants actually feel looser today! This week I put my workout regimen into high gear. I have been doing Yoga regularly but now its time to get weights and cardio in check. I am a girl on a mission, nothing is going to stop me.

_______

I have been spending an abnormal amount of time in the Environmental Working Group database (you created a monster Adele!) researching products I use on a daily basis only to find out most of them have medium to high toxicity levels, some that actually impact reproductive hormones. So I had to replace my skincare products with a new line I found at Whole foods. Now I have nontoxic: deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, face cleanser and moisturizer. I will need to replace my makeup next.

_______

I have been following the story of a young girl named Maddie who died last night after her mom sung her bedtime song that she sang to her since she was born. You can read about her story here. Maddie is the daughter of a friends friend. The story is heartbreaking but I did find solace in how we can make a crappy situation as pleasant as possible. Her parents made the last weeks of her life amazing in every aspect and created the Maddie James Foundation. Regardless of what positive spins you try to put on it...it's just plain sad. Between loosing this little angel and the situation in Japan, my heart weighs awfully heavy today. I don’t think I have always been a compassionate person, or not as much as I should be. It seems as of lately, what is happening to those around me, is happening to me. My heart swells with emotions. Perhaps infertility has made me a better person after all.

_____

Tomorrow is my second appointment with Dr Whacko....I cannot wait! I'll update afterwards.

Process of Elimination

2011-03-08T19:32:00.002-06:00

I went for my hysteroscopy today. Everything went well, the worst part was the gusher vein from putting my IV port in and my sore throat from the tube that I never saw go down or come out. I remember waking up and not being able to take a deep breath through my mouth. It feels very swollen and raw. I do not remember having this issue last hysteroscopy, I suppose I was lucky!

Dr CM performed my surgery and I just adore her. She is so very sweet and has wonderful bedside manner. She informed me that my uterus was perfect, not one fibroid, scar or adhesion. One less thing to worry about and one more thing to cross off our list of potential hinderances to mission baby.

It's hard to explain the feelings associated with a clean bill of health. Of course I am thrilled to have one less obstacle to overcome, but then you have to wonder, what exactly is the issue then?? I am going to remind myself that perhaps this isn't going to happen in my time, but rather His.

---------------

My next appointment with Dr Whacko is next week. I have gotten my PH levels into a normal range by drinking a Coral & Aloe concoction each morning. I have to wonder if my insides haven't been too acidic for the swimmers to live in all this time. I have heard of post coital testing, bet less and less clinics seem to be performing this test these days, so I'll never know if I was creating a hostile environment, leading to our lack of success.

---------------

This past weekend we purchased a water filtration system for the kitchen sink and installed it. I purchased several VOS glass water bottles which I use to transport my water in to work each day. Giving up the plastic water bottles was much easier than I thought and will save us over $80 per month in water delivery. Win-win!!!

The shower filter has been ordered and will arrive on Friday. We could have purchased one at the store but they are all white and I wanted a brushed nickel finish to match our shower since we just invested so much in our master bath remodel. I cannot wait for this filter, our water is so hard and chlorinated, my skin itches, and our "spot-free" glass always seems to be spotted. I anticipate it will make my hair softer too.

---------------

My new favorite morning beverage is hot water with fresh lemon and Ginger. It has replaced my coffee and I actually prefer it. I started this while I was doing the fruit cleanse and stayed with it. I just have to stop the after dinner cup of half calf. Were almost there.

-----------------

Thank you for all of your questions and comments regarding my last post. I know you all had some questions regarding some of the recommendations Dr Whacko made. I will post as many answers as I can next week after I have him refresh my memory on some of the "why's"

A couple I can answer is the grains & sunglasses one. I am already gluten free due to leaky gut / gluten sensitivity. The grains I am giving up are rice, corn and potatoes. Not because they are bad for you, but rather because they cause an insulin spike in the body (they turn into sugar) and because I am trying to lose weight and we are going to jump start my metabolism, eating these items is not going to help me get there any faster. It is just temporary and specific to me.

No sunglasses if I recall correctly was because we need Vitamin D from the sun and we absorb it in through the eyes as much as the skin. An extremely high number of Americans are Vitamin D deficient (including myself) so it's just to help with that intake. I never wore sunglasses anyway, so this didn't bother me much.

-------------

I got my results for my DHEA-S - it was 104, Range was 25-220 so I started take my DHEA 25mg 3 times per day. That means I have several months to work with Dr Whacko and do some more work to get healthy while we wait for the DHEA to work it's charm, which is improve egg quality.

----------

If all goes well, we will get pregnant on our own over the next few months. If not, then we will be doing our IVF in the June/July time frame.

Happy Fat Tuesday!!

Hardcore

2011-03-03T13:13:00.006-06:00

I went to my appointment Tuesday with my new Doctor. Let me preface this post with the fact that he is a Functional Medicine doctor who spends more of his time doing research than seeing patients. From what I understand, he only see’s about 2-3 patients regularly and some, if not all with cancer. He has what some might consider very whacky approaches to healing and medicine and treatment, such as mud packing, muscle testing and lots of herbs/supplements. I will refer to him as Dr Whacko.

Let me back up by stating how I met him. When I was googling C-Reactive Protein (CRP), my search results directed me back to Dr Hymans blog/site, who I was already a fan of. Some of you might know him, Dr Oz has had him on as a guest recently. Anyway , Dr Hymans website has a link to search for functional medicine doctors in your area. I decided to search for two reasons. Although I am already a patient of Dr M, since my work has moved she is a little bit further away now. Also, her hourly rate is really expensive and I simply couldn’t afford to go in and see her every time I needed my thyroid meds adjusted, which they said I needed to do. One short appointment was $275 on top of the cost of the meds which were running me $50 a month with insurance.

So anyway, while I was happy to see that she came up on this list, I also noticed a another doctor who was right in my city. It listed, what I thought was his practice number and in a bit of a panic I decided to call and see if he was taking patients, check on his rates and ask about this elevated CRP number. When I called the number it went to voicemail of a person, not a clinic or office, so I just hung up. A couple hours later I was sitting at my desk at work and got a call. The gentleman on the other end says “Yes did you call my phone recently?” I couldn’t even remember his name so in a panic said, “oh yes is this the doctor?” He chuckled and said yes. Well we engaged in conversation that lasted over 30 minutes, I feel like I spilled my life story to him. I felt bad for keeping him on the phone for so long, so I said perhaps if he was seeing new patients I could come in and see him. Thats when he informed me he only see's a couple patients, but would have his assistant call me the next day to schedule something, because he was going to pick peaches form the farm orchid that day. Lovely.

A couple days later she called. She raved about him, how she used to be a patient and now works for him…there isn’t a day she is not in awe over his work and passion. When I spoke to Dr Whacko, he asked why I stopped seeing Dr M. I advised because I pursued fertility treatments and also due to the costs. He made sure his assistant communicated with me that money was not an issue and don’t stress over it. And I have to say I was pretty surprised, because the $125 rate she quoted me for my first visit, was a small fraction of the $500 fee I paid for my first visit with Dr M. I thought, ok, this is way more reasonable and feasible.

I spent 4 hrs at that appointment, going over my history, him sharing case studies with me, and what he knows from research. He started asking a ton of questions which led to some necessary changes on my part, but he made it very clear, that we were just having dialogue, not to panic and he would not take something away without giving me something. I think that tends to be an issue with Functional Medicine, the patients are required to make so many changes in their lifestyle that most won’t even try, or try and fail, or not even be open to the idea. And I will be the first to admit this is not for just anyone. Some of the changes are hard, serious lifestyle changes. They impact our lives that we know today and it’s a major adjustment that requires serious dedication and discipline. Guess I make a good candidate, as much as I do not want to! I wish I could bury my head in the sand and pretend that I didn’t hear what he told me, that I could act like environmental factors do not impair or health, cause disease and infertility. But they do.

So here I am, making some more changes. Dr Whacko, well he is hardcore, but as he stated, he wants to be careful not make me or himself or his patients feel like they are living in a bubble, we should go out and enjoy life and not have to be outcasts, but to some extent we are. Because when you start doing some of the things I have already done or will begin to do, people will judge you, mock you, mock the ideas, and think you yourself are Whacko, just as I have labeled my very own doctor. But for the record, He likes it when people call him that, and he's no dummy, he knows they do, because he says they change their minds when they see the results of his work and studies. he said when I am pregnant, people will reconsider their opinion of him.

So what we do know is I have done some pretty terrible things in the past, such as drugs and smoking and poor lifestyle choices that we need to clear out of my body. I am not 100 % clear on treatments yet, but they will include mud packing, muscle testing, and supplements. He did say while I might have to take alot of supplements now, the goal is to get me down to zero. My body clearly isn’t functioning properly, and therefore that is why the weight is sticking. He said I will get to a point where the weight is melting off, not because I am doing that much differently but because my body is doing what it should be. I am not obese because I am lazy or don’t eat well. I am obese because my body is full of toxins that live in fat cells. We need to get rid of the fat cells and toxins.

As we went over some questions about my history, whenever I replied with an answer that was really bad (i.e.: Q: how long have you been on the pill? A: 15 years) he would get all giddy and excited because at that moment he knew exactly what we needed to do to get my body into optimal baby making shape.

If you care to read this list of items in its entirety, feel free, if not go ahead and skip over them, they are just bullet notes I jotted down the next day, so if they do not make sense feel free to ask questions: because I was overwhelmed with the list I had to go through and make updates on progress so I could realize it’s completely manageable.

Never color your hair using chemical dyes! (seriously he is sending me info on chemical free dye’s, said dying your hair is absolutely horrific) -researching & will email my hair dresser to see what options we have. Macey, if your reading, expect to hear from me soon and let me know if you are aware of any products we can use already!
Plastic: Never get your water in plastic, never drink water from plastic, it causes way too many diseases to mention, Infertility being a big one. Glass is the best. – Bought glass bottled water yesterday and getting a water filter installed on our kitchen sink. Good bye sparkletts.
Teflon: if you have any of this type of cookware – throw it in the garbage, use only all clad or steel based cookware – Stopped Using
~~Shampoo /Conditioner/deodorant: Use only Parben and aluminum free. – Done~~
Chlorine(shower/pool): horrible, get filters for your shower (if not your entire house, but that’s expensive, so at least your shower). Consider changing the pool the saltwater. The chlorine is horrible for you. – Researching shower filter
Electromagnetic Fields: you shouldn’t sleep with your bed less than 6 inches away from the wall – the electromagnetic fields that travel through the walls where all of your wiring is interrupts REM sleep. I sleep perfectly fine, probably will bypass this.
No Pasteurized foods: You are better off eating/drinking unpasteurized products straight from the farm then eating pasteurized. The process chemically alters the food rendering it useless nutritionally. – Done
~~No Dairy (even organic) - Done~~
~~No Gluten – Done~~
No Grains (NONE) – Finishing up whatever I have left – some of my grains cost a small fortune.
~~No Coffee – Done~~
~~35-60 % Raw Diet – Done~~
PH Levels are super important: I tested and was on acidic side, I am taking Coral & Aloe for the PH issue and proud to report I am back in range today (already) I went from 5.8 to 7.4
No Olive Oil – ever! Only walnut, sunflower, or other nut oils. – Have to go shop for more of these replacement oils.
Workout: will start lifting weights in the morning before eating two days a week / protein shake during or after. –Starting next week., need to find out what type of protein shakes he wants me drinking.
He is a big proponent of the Paleo diet and also recommended this cookbook. - Going to order
Bare feet in ground every day – no matter what season – Started
Min of 10 minutes of sun every day with skin exposed. – Started
~~No sunglasses ever – Already didn’t do~~
~~Store water off the ground at least 8 inches - Not an issue, no more bottled water. 5 gallon Glass bottled water cost 2x as much, so decided to go with the sink filter.~~

As you can see that’s a rather extensive list and I am not sure I covered everything, but hopefully most of it. Please keep in mind some of the things he is having me do is specific to me and my situation, and only temporary in some cases. Fortunately I had made a bunch of changes prior to seeing him, so while some of these items are hard, not having to start from scratch makes it bearable. I will see him again in a couple weeks. They are so laid back which is reflective in his office/location. It’s on an old farm off a dirt road. His office is a large room connected to his house, I got to meet his children as they arrived home from school. Pretty nifty. The confirmation email told me to bring comfy clothes, shoes, as we might take a walk near the creek that day. We didn’t get to but I guess we will next time. The receptionist had to leave before we were done, so regarding the payment, they said “oh just pay next time”. It was such a wonderful experience , I felt like I had been shot back in a time capsule to a place and time when people trusted one another, genuinely cared and I truly believe he is taking me on as a charity case. To try and figure out what is wrong, nurture me to health and ultimately pregnancy. He said we will have babie(s) (and acknowledged you never promise a patient anything) but he assured me this was going to work…once my health was restored, we would get pregnant. Who can so no to or walk away from that?

_________________

My hysteroscopy got bumped up to next Tuesday. I will still go through with it, but not sure if we will even need IVF anymore. I am pretty convinced we won’t. Call me crazy, but we have no issues, we have great sperm, we have eggs, we have ovulation, we have everything we need to make a baby. We just need me, the mommy who will be carrying the baby for 9 months, to be prepared for that.

I know in my heart of hearts the reason we aren’t getting pregnant has nothing to do with the prime parts. I have a terrible gut feeling that we could do IVF after IVF and as long as my body is inflamed they way it is, we are not going to get pregnant, I cannot move forward knowing that. So here we are again, back to addressing whatever is wrong with my body. I cannot in good conscious spend anymore of our hard earned money on treatments right now knowing there is an underlying cause, non IF related. Why would I? Some say because you can bypass all of that…I disagree. I cannot bypass a body that is inflamed, nor do I want to. I want to deal with the inflammation, I want to be healthy, I want to feel good, look good, and for once, be my best. If or when it’s our time, it will happen. I trust in that. I just hope and pray its sooner rather than later.

Birth Control Pill & Prenatal Cocktail

2011-02-27T11:24:00.006-06:00

I scheduled my Hysteroscopy for March 11th. I have to go in for a pre-surgery consult on March 9th. I also had to go fill a prescription for birth control bills and started them three days ago. The doctor needs your uterine lining to be thin so she can see any and everything inside the uterus and that is why I am begrudgingly on the pill again. It makes me cringe, I feel like I am undoing years of very hard deliberate work to get my body in baby making shape. In Traditional Chinese Medicine (and perhaps even functional) the Birth control pill is the enemy. Miss Shelly, my acupuncturist explained to me how the infertility rate in China is so much lower than our country, simply because they don't take the birth control pill there. Frightening.

So the other night before bed, I popped open my pill pack and swallowed the stupid pill along with my prenatal. It felt so wrong on so many levels, I often sit and wonder WTF I am doing sometimes.

On a brighter note, I also had some CD3 blood labs run so I can get my baseline numbers before I begin taking DHEA to help improve my egg quality. I haven't gotten all of the numbers back yet, but did get my FSH, E2 and testosterone and was pleasantly surprised to see my numbers were just as good, if not better than when we started trying to conceive, years ago. We all know those numbers should be at best, slowly declining over time and at worst, rapidly declining. So I was beyond thrilled to discover that mine were not, which made me smile and for the first time think that perhaps my new life style, was finally paying off. I certainly hope so.

FSH - 6.7
E2 - 73
Testosterone - 28

Not bad for a 40 year old, right?!?

C-Reactive Protein

2011-02-23T14:37:00.003-06:00

Yesterday when I posted about inflammation in my body and how I feel it's part of my IF problems, one of my commenter’s, Libby wrote about C-Reactive Protein in her response. I was floored when I read that because I actually was just following up on one of my last blood labs ordered by Dr M – my naturopath, before I left her care in December and pursued fertility treatments. She had this test checked with my other blood labs.

Range: 0.00-3.00 – My results 6.70 – YIKES! (Mind you these tests were taken after I had been gluten free for some time and had already cleansed my liver for and candida for 3 months. theoretically i should have been a very healthy state at the time)

I am actually a big fan of Dr Hyman (no joke, that’s his real name!) and frequent his website regularly. I came across this article which prompted me to go back and look at my last set of labs to confirm it was indeed C-Reactive protein that tested high.

C-Reactive Protein levels are an indicator of the amount of inflammation in the body. I clearly have lots of it- shocker?! The big question? WHY? And in seeking the answers, that was how I came to find a new doctor who I will be introducing you too soon, after I meet him, next week.

There are things you can do to lower the C-Reactive Protein numbers/inflammation however I am already doing all of those things, so I find it frightening. Especially because individuals with heart disease and cancer and other diseases are known to have high C-reactive protein levels in their blood. Here is the list off Dr. Hymans website:

1. Whole Foods – Eat a whole foods, high-fiber, plant-based diet, which is inherently anti-inflammatory. That means choosing unprocessed, unrefined, whole, fresh, real foods, not those full of sugar and trans fats and low in powerful anti-inflammatory plant chemicals called phytonutrients.

2. Healthy Fats – Give yourself an oil change by eating healthy monounsaturated fats in olive oil, nuts and avocadoes, and getting more omega-3 fats from small fish like sardines, herring, sable, and wild salmon.

3. Regular Exercise –- Mounting evidence tells us that regular exercise reduces inflammation. It also improves immune function, strengthens your cardiovascular systems, corrects and prevents insulin resistance, and is key for improving your mood and erasing the effects of stress. In fact, regular exercise is one among a small handful of lifestyle changes that correlates with improved health in virtually ALL of the scientific literature. So get moving already!

4. Relax – Learn how to engage your vagus nerve by actively relaxing. This powerful nerve relaxes your whole body and lowers inflammation when you practice yoga or meditation, breathe deeply, or even take a hot bath.

5. Avoid Allergens – If you have food allergies, find out what you’re allergic to and get stop eating those foods—gluten and dairy are two common culprits.

6. Heal Your Gut – Take probiotics to help your digestion and improve the balance of healthy bacteria in your gut, which reduces inflammation.

7. Supplement – Take a multivitamin/multimineral supplement, fish oil, and vitamin D, all of which help reduce inflammation.

So it makes me wonder, is there a correlation between inflammation in the body and IF. How many of us dealing with Infertility have been tested for this and have high levels? Anyone?

CD2

2011-02-22T09:02:00.001-06:00

I think this is the happiest I have been to get a period since high school! It was rather unusual because I went to use the restroom yesterday and found out by surprise. You see I have not, since I can remember, gotten a period that wasn’t preceded with some form of cramps, headaches, or general PMS. Perhaps in hindsight what happened last week during the cleanse with the edema and headaches was more PMS related?! Who knows, I’ll never know. What I do know is I am thankful and pleased that it came without taking the Provera. I have been taking Maca again and I think that might be where the credit is due. Either that or my body decided to cooperate, either way I am grateful beyond belief. My cycle went 47 days, I will jot that down in my all time high records book. I have a call into Dr CM’s office to schedule the hysteroscopy, that should happen sometime next week providing she has openings in her schedule. _______________________________

With that said, I am feeling anxious about our decision to move forward with IVF and I am having reservations about it (yes, I know, again). I spoke to a doctor yesterday for nearly 30 minutes, by mishap (a story I will share in another post) and I am fairly certain that whatever is causing my inability to lose weight, inflammation in my body and thyroid issues is the cause of the Infertility. I have felt that way all along. If what I suspect is true, then we have and will continue to waste our time, money and efforts on fertility treatments. This is a really tough spot to be in at my age, because if I were 10 years younger, I would, without a doubt spend every ounce of my time, energy and money resolving my health.

A part of me keeps telling myself to forget about my age, and when I fix whatever my underlying issues is, I will get pregnant without any issues, if it's meant to be. The alter ego is telling me I must pursue ART quickly.

I hate being in this place, I hate having to make these decisions. I do not envy me one bit.

The Absence Of

2011-02-19T07:55:00.000-06:00

I was recently directed to this blog via another and this post made my heart sink. If you want to cry even more, then go to the Infertility tab and read. Just the idea of that happening to us, which is very possible, frightens me right now. I know that my feelings might change one day, if that were to become our reality, but right now, there's no good way for me to come to grips with that. And because this quote was so profound, I am reposting it here. It was written in a book by Laura Bush:

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not...

But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives.

Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?

Toxicity

2011-02-17T08:47:00.008-06:00

This is such an unusual time in my blogging existence because I really don't have much to speak about in terms of fertility. I still haven't gotten my period and I decided against taking the Provera. Hubs and I have been keeping busy in the bedroom (it's amazing what taking away all the reproducing pressure does for your sex life) and I have no idea if or when I ovulated (since the beta) seeing how Dr CM didn't test my hormone levels when they did the pregnancy test. So I decided it wasn't worth the risk of taking the meds as long as that 1-2% chance of becoming pregnant existed. I suppose at some point I need to do something, but it just didn't feel right to me at the time and I assumed my cycles would return to normal, thinking that was a one off event. I hope I am right, if so, I should get a period within the next 11 days or so.

While I am waiting, I decided to do a fresh fruit cleanse. My yoga instructor wrote a fruit cleanse book that is going to be published very soon and I was privileged to a pre-publish go at the cleanse. I am currently at the beginning of day 3 of the 3 day cleanse. The cleanse is great, you can actually feel changes at a cellular level, but for some reason my body doesn't know how to process or eliminate the toxins properly and I had a replay of when I did that acupuncture / acupressure treatment with Miss Shelly where my lower legs swelled overnight along with an 8 lb weight gain.

I drank my special detox power blast smoothie in the morning day 1 and by that evening I experienced lower leg swelling and 7 lb weight gain from that morning when I weighed myself. The headaches I understand, and to some extent the weight gain makes sense too. Dr M, my naturopath explained to me way back when that my body swells and retains water because it's trying to protect my body which thinks it's poisoned from the toxins. And the toxins are being released from the liver faster than they can be expelled by the body, the question is, with all of the fluids I am drinking, why aren’t they flushing my system? I decided I needed to sweat somehow and was in no condition to work out and didn’t have access to a sauna, so I drew a rather hot Jacuzzi bath and soaked for a long time with the jets on. When I got out and reweighed myself, I dropped 5 of the 7 lbs I gained that day. By morning, I lost the remaining two pounds plus another one.

I believe this cleanse and everything else I do to try and flush my system is just exposing some underlying issue, but what is that?! I don’t' understand why I am so toxic. Especially considering I just completed a 3 month Candida/Liver cleanse monitored by my Naturopath doctor. I eat organic foods, exercise, take prenatal's, omega 3's, fish oils, probitiocs, Lglutamine, every day. I drink 100 oz's of water every day, I'm gluten free....I use paraben free shampoos and soaps, no perfumes, sleep 8 hrs every night. Rarely drink, so WTF is going on with my body? Why am I so toxic? All I can keep thinking is that something I am consuming is poisoning me?! But What? My Synthroid? Or was it all the fertility meds? Or am I just naïve and not as healthy as I think I am? I just spoke to Yoga instructor and have to wonder if my body isn't showing me how I need to let go. I have been struggling for years with my weight, then my fertility and now whatever toxins occupy my space, my body. And I do believe there is an absolute, mind/ body connection. So there's something else for me to look at it. I have this terrible way of talking myself out of feeling emotions, which then end up getting tucked away rather than being released.

Well aside from all of that, I have felt great on the cleanse. If you are interested in doing one, her book is available for pre-order here. Please do not let my reaction deter you from doing this or any cleanse, I actually think it's a testement of how well it works....the reaction I had surely suggests something worked. I have been waking up very early and without my alarm the past two days, feeling great, very well rested. I only feel hungry between my lunch and dinner, but my fault because I skipped and afternoon snack.....and as soon as I get home and eat, I feel better. The cleanse can be as long as you desire, but I did a 3 day one for starters. Now I will wean in some more whole foods..(veggies and proteins).

I want to apologize, I have been reading but not commenting much on all of your blogs....I go through phases and sometimes it's just pure laziness (I'm laying on the couch reading and don’t' want to readjust myself so I can type). I'll get back into the swing of things soon.

Love Secrets and Thoughts on Love

2011-02-14T10:09:00.000-06:00

Valentine’s Day is such an over commercialized holiday, but it certainly doesn't hurt to have reminders or excuses to spread a little more love and joy in the lives of others, whether it be our spouses, friends, children, pets...it doesn't matter. We all need and want love. And so today I ask you, what is your favorite way to give or receive love? What are some of the secrets to your successful relationships/marriages/friendships? I am always in search of ways to improve my marriage and relationships. I strive to be a thoughtful, kind, loving, nurturing person….but I think I can always improve and learn from others. So share your secrets, advice and things you do or someone does for you that makes the world go round.

And in return, I will leave you with this writing by Kahlil Gilbran’s thoughts on Love from the Book The Prophet:

When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams

as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

TwoScore

2011-02-11T10:45:00.009-06:00

In all honesty I haven’t been looking forward to today all that much. I was focusing on the things I didn’t have, the struggles, the pain, the adversity we have encountered the past few years. Not to mention entering into an epoch that includes nothing but negative hype about women my age trying to conceive, the grim statistics of success rates even with the use of ART and the high chances of genetic issues if we were lucky enought to make it over to the other side. It’s all information that manifests as fear in me, it makes me worry, it makes me wonder if we will ever reach our dreams of parenthood. It makes me question whether we should even continue trying sometimes.

I realized yesterday, that I was focusing on the wrong things. I was spending too much time thinking about how this marks another year of feeling stuck, instead of looking at all the blessings that surround me. Instead of appreciating all that I have. I do not want to look back one day, in the short or long term future and wish I would have enjoyed this season of my life more than I did. I don’t want to have regrets about not living a joyful life. Every season has it’s advantages as well as drawbacks. It rains a bunch in the spring, but with everything blooming, along comes a sense of renewal. The winters can be blistery cold, but sure makes a cup of hot chocolate, a fire, roasted marshmallow and snuggling up to your lover a more than welcomed prerequisite. The summers are hot but the long hours of sunlight and a refreshing swim make it not just tolerable but enjoyable. So during this season, albeit an extra long one…there are plenty of reasons to enjoy it, regardless of the one and obvious reason we find it difficult to embrace it. There are unlimited date nights, vacations for two, staying in bed on the weekends until we please. Spontaneity, nudity and absurdity. All things we can engage in without worrying about little ears or eyes catching second hand glimpses of.

Yesterday Lisa wrote this post that reminded me exactly how short life is…and while one day I might look back and shed tears over these past few years just by the sheer memory of it all, there will be so much more to remember about this life of mine. Love. Love for my friends, love for my family, love for my job, love for this very remarkable life, that I apparently only get one shot at. And so I made an executive decision, I decided that I wasn’t going to dread this day, I wasn’t going to focus on my age or what I don’t have, instead I was going to focus on all the blessings that surround me and countless reasons to celebrate. I am going to hold my husbands hand, kiss his lips and look into his eyes with adoration. I will snuggle the pups, acknowledge and thank every single Birthday wish on facebook and every phone call and/or card I receive. I am not going to let a simple number kick me in the ass. I am not going to let perspective get in the way of this day. I have allowed it to ruin far to many days already, it’s not going to rob me of my birth day and all the God-ness infusing it.

I woke up this morning to a beautiful card that played Somewhere Over the Rainbow and a gift from the hubs. That song always makes me cry, so tears streamed down my face. Inside was a certificate for a day at a local Spa I wanted to try. I cannot wait to use it. His sister sent me a gift certificate for that same spa which I will use for pedicure, in addition to all of the pampering I will immerge myself in for countless hours. In addition to that he has a Kitchenaide Pro on the way. I’m not sure at what point in my life I became thrilled about standing mixers, but I am so excited I cannot wait to use it. Cooking has become a joy for me.

Tonight we will have dinner at BlueFish where I will indulge in my favorite Ahi Tower (Tuna tartar based in sesame oil over snow crab / avocado salad, bedded on a sushi rice foundation infused with creamy wasabi sauce). Pure and utter delicousness. I will absolutely have a glass of wine or two and before the night is over I just might smile and give thanks to the Lord for all that I have and don’t have (inluding my period, still - in case you were wondering).

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I have decided, I will be picking up my prescription for the Provera this weekend, it's time to get this show on the road. Thank you for all the advice, feedback & comments which helped me to come to that conclusion.

Permission to Drink

2011-02-07T20:28:00.005-06:00

I went for my blood draw around 7:30am on the way into the office this morning. I got the "permission to drink" call @ 5:30 pm today. I sipped on my first and only glass of port wine by 7:30 pm.

The doctor only did a beta test, she didn't test any other hormones so I'm not sure where I am in my cycle or why, but I am not pregnant. This morning I took my temp and it was 98.35, so I thought to myself, maybe, just maybe I'm pregnant or at least, very least, maybe I ovulated. But I knew the truth deep down in my heart and belly, I was not pregnant, I believe I had just experienced such high stress levels last month, that I screwed up my body.

The doctor called in a prescription for Provera for me. I have never taken this drug and feel slightly uncomfortable about using medication to force myself to bleed, which I know might sound strange considering I am willing to shoot myself up with all kinds of medications, but something seems counter intuitive to me about forcing my period. Won't it just come back on it's own? I guess she wants me to take it so I can then schedule my hysteroscopy on cycle day 1 for anytime in between cycle day 6-10.

So here is where I rely on you and your experience ladies. Have you taken Provera? Do you have an opinion of it either way? Would you take it if you haven't before? Obviousely my goal is to get to IVF and if this will bring me a few steps closer to that goal, then I am willing to do it. I am tired of taking one step forward two steps backwards, and I just dont want to find myself in yet another predicament by taking the Provera, or even by not taking it. Thoughts?

Super Bowl Sunday Speculation

2011-02-06T20:39:00.000-06:00

It's Cycle Day 34. I'll call and schedule a beta tomorrow, but I really see no point. I still do not have my period , but I took my temperature this morning and it was 98.03. I haven’t temped in a while, but that's pretty low considering I took it at 8:30am after I had already gotten up out of bed. I checked some old charts and my cover line temp averaged 97.9 most months, but those were taken @ 5:30am as a standard so I would guess that my average temp after rising, pre-ovulation would be at least 98.

I am so over this. I am so over trying to have a baby. I am done doing everything perfectly only to go cycle after cycle with absolutely no signs of pregnancy or a complete and total mind fuck cycle like this one. It's as if the universe is filming us and using my life as some form of a sitcom televised in another universe where I am made a mockery of.
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Yesterday hubs and I went to the Annual Beach Bowl event which was held here in Dallas this year, along with the Super bowl. I wanted to go see my boyfriend Eli Manning, New York Giants QB, who was coaching one of the teams. We saw him but didn’t get anywhere near him. Good thing I suppose, it would have been awkward kissing my boyfriend in front of my sweet hubby. It was pretty cool seeing so many celebs there. The temps finally rose above freezing and the sun was shining bright, so all the snow and ice are finally gone. Just in time for another storm to come through Wednesday.

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Today I ran out and did some shopping, picked up a couple new yoga pants and shirt. It's really hard looking at my body lately, so I thought a new outfit might help lift my spirits. I managed to get in a few workouts this week, but my goal is 5 days and I only squeezed in 3. The weather didnt help, I missed two yoga classes due to work being closed. This upcoming week will be better, or so I hope.

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I have been feeling really angry and short tempered this weekend. Not sure if it's hormones or me just being fed up with life. Thank God for this little guy:

Nothing New on This Fine Cycle Day 32

2011-02-04T15:48:00.001-06:00

I called the doctor today to find out what I should do about my missing friend. They said if she doesn't show by sunday to file a missing persons report, aka - schedule a beta.

Today was the fourth day with no work. This time I stayed home, we must have gotten a good 4-6 inches of snow that covered that sheet ice, recipe for disaster.

This is the first time in two years that I ran out of prenatals, the weather kept me from picking up my refill. I wish Murphy's law would kick in here, you know the one that says I get pregnant the cycle I run out?!?!

I felt a horrible wave of nausea this morning that had me running for the kitchen sink, I didn't get sick so I ate instead and felt better. I have cramps (or sore muscles) in my lower abs that make me think AF is coming our I could have another type of visitor .....or my body is just not used to the physical attention its been getting at the gym lately. This of course could all be stuff I conjured up in my brain because I am no longer enjoying the ambiguity of the situation.

Does anybody else blog from an iPad? I am trying to locate the scroll feature inside the post window. It appears once I get beyond the first page there's no way to scroll back up and proof read or modify my post.

No Show and Walls Closing In

2011-02-03T17:11:00.002-06:00

Aunt Flow is still a no show, CD 31. This is unheard of, so my guess is that she's not coming this month at all..... I don't know how or why, perhaps my stress levels this past month contributed to an anovulatory cycle?! It figures the one month I abstain from tracking, I have nothing to go on. Murphys law. I haven't tested today, but my guess is it would be negative anyhow. I will be pretty dissappointed if I didn't ovulate because now I will have to wait for my baseline blood labs and hysteoscopy until God knows when, pushing out everything that follows those, including our IVF cycle.

My office was closed yet another day, but I couldn't handle three straight days in the house, so I ventured out to work, to handle some things that couldn't be completed remotely. While there, I squeezed in a cardio workout with my girl Libby who drove into the office as well. On the way home I stopped off at the market and the dry cleaners and came home. Now I know why the entire city was closed down for days, the roads were so hazardous, probably wasnt very wise of me to go out. 2 inches of solid sheet ice. I grew up on the east coast so I am not intimated by the snow/ice and know how to drive in it, but there are people here who have rarely if never driven in this type of weather, which makes driving pretty stupid on my part. I am home safely now and if tomorrow everything is closed, I will stick to taking a walk, that is if we get the snow storm currently in the forecast. Here is a picture of a local frozen water fountain:

Sub Zero & Still Waiting

2011-02-02T10:08:00.003-06:00

Still no period. Today is CD29, if she is going to show it will be today, or should be. Aside from one clomid cycle I have never had a cycle beyond 28 days. I took an internet cheapie test yesterday, it was negative. I cried yesterday at something silly, so I assume she's on her way.

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Dallas has been hit with some awful weather, mostly ice. The temps today are 17 with a wind chill below 0. Coldest weather in decades. My office has been closed for 2 days, so I have been working from home. Today the electric company is doing rolling blackouts to be proactive and try to prevent outages, I guess they are having a hard time keeping up with demand. This crap weather is not helping to boost the Superbowl economy at all, poor visitors. Weather should be respectable again by game day- high of 55.

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Roxie is doing good, especially with me home, because she gets to keep her cone off. She is happier than her mommy who has had 2 snow days in a row. The vet upped her sterioid and antibitoic dosages, she has inflammation in her ear that concerns them, but her outer ear is healing well.

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I had a dream last night that I bumped into my sister at an ob/gyn office. When I asked what she was doing there, she started to cry and say "what do you think I'm doing here?" her tummy was flat, she was clearly no longer pregnant, so she had miscarried. Strange dream.

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I am reasearching "Eating Right for your Blood Type" and found a few interesting things. I am O- Blood type. According to this book:

Type O-People with type O blood fare best on intense physical exercise and animal proteins and less well on dairy products and grains, says Dr. D'Adamo. The leading reason for weight gain among Type O's is the gluten found in wheat products and, to a lesser extent, lentils, corn, kidney beans, and cabbage, Dr. D'Adamo explains. Ideal exercises for Type O's include aerobics, martial arts, contact sports, and running.

Blood type, with its digestive and immune specificity, is a window on a person's probable susceptibility to or power over disease, according to Dr. D'Adamo. For example, Type O's are the most likely to suffer from asthma, hay fever, and other allergies, while Type B's have a high allergy threshold, and will react allergically only if they eat the wrong foods. Type B's are also especially susceptible to autoimmune disorders, such as chronic fatigue, lupus, and multiple sclerosis. Type AB's tend to have the fewest problems with allergies, while heart disease, cancer, and anemia are medical risks for them.

With arthritis, Type O's, again, are the predominant sufferers because their immune systems are "environmentally intolerant," especially to foods such as grains and potatoes which can produce inflammatory reactions in their joints, says Dr. D'Adamo. Types A and B are the most susceptible to diabetes, while types A and AB have an overall higher rate of cancer and poorer survival odds than the other types.

Type O was the first blood type, the type O ancestral prototype was a canny, aggressive predator. Aspects of the Type O profile remain essential in every society even to this day – leadership, extroversion, energy and focus are among their best traits. Type O’s can be powerful and productive, however, when stressed Type O’s response can be one of anger, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. When Type O wiring gets crossed, as a result of a poor diet, lack of exercise, unhealthy behaviors or elevated stress levels, Type O’s are more vulnerable to negative metabolic effects, including insulin resistance, sluggish thyroid activity, and weight gain. When you customize your life to Type O’s strengths you can reap the benefits of your ancestry. Your genetic inheritance offers you the opportunity to be strong, lean, productive, long-lived and optimistic.

What Makes You Unique
As a Blood Type O you may be predisposed to certain illnesses, such as ulcers and thyroid disorders. In the 1950’s it was discovered that Type O’s had about twice the instances of ulcers of all kinds than the other blood types. These findings have been replicated many times since then. Type O’s tend to have low levels of thyroid hormone and often exhibit insufficient levels of iodine, a chemical element whose sole purpose is thyroid hormone regulation. This causes many side effects such as weight gain, fluid retention and fatigue. Dr. D’Adamo does not recommend iodine supplements, rather a diet rich in saltwater fish and kelp to help regulate the thyroid gland. Bladder Wrack is also an excellent nutrient for type O’s. This herb, actually a seaweed, is very effective as an aid to weight control for Type O’s. “The fucose in bladder wrack seems to help normalize the sluggish metabolic rate and produce weight loss in Type O’s,” says Dr. D’Adamo.

Type O’s also have a higher level of stomach acid than the other blood types, which often results in stomach irritation and ulcers. Dr. D’Adamo recommends a licorice preparation called DGL (de glycyrrhizinated licorice) which can reduce discomfort and aid healing. DGL protects the stomach lining in addition to protecting it from stomach acids. Avoid crude licorice preparations as they contain a component of the plant which can cause elevated blood pressure. This component has been removed in DGL. Dr. D'Adamo also recommends Mastic Gum and Bismuth to soothe Type O's common and even frequent tummy troubles.

I find it all so very interesting that it's in direct alignment with what my naturopath has me doing. Almost everything this Dr says supports my Doctors prognosis. I am getting the book, and researching the bladder wrack herbs as possible additiions to my current regimen. I am wondering if I need to be tested for MTHFR now as there was mention of blood clotting disorders with my blood type too.

I Think I'm Late

2011-01-31T09:24:00.003-06:00

I’m not sure when I ovulated. For the first time in a very long time, I did not temp, did not OPK, did not even try to time intercourse. I did not do one thing to try and conceive this month. I did note my EWCM on my chart (so I would have an idea on when I ovulated for purposes of scheduling tests, so I could estimate when I need to go for blood work and my hysteroscopy.)

Today is CD 27 and I think I’m late, I think I ovulated CD 10, I had fertile CM around CD 7-9. That would mean I am 17 DPO. A part of me thinks how wonderful would it be to get a BFP without even trying. But I know the chances of that and so I’m not holding my breath. My average O date is CD 12 -14…if I ovulated on CD 12 then I would have been due yesterday. I think my fertile cm came too soon to have ovulated past CD 13, mine always arrives (if any) 1-3 days before ovulation. So we wait and see. No signs of AF, but she usually shows up without any advance notice. I would be shocked if I ended up with a perfect 28 day cycle, even with meds, that’s a pretty rare occurrence these days. I just checked my charts, in the past year I have had three perfect 28 days cycles, however two of those were after I went Gluten free and switched to compound meds. I am still gluten free but back on Synthroid. Speaking of which, I had pink spotting that went away for the past few months which reappeared around CD 17 this cycle. Not sure what to contribute that to, I am starting to think the compound thyroid meds were responsible for resolving that issue, or else all the injections from the medicated cycles. Not sure which, but it seems its back.

Are your cycles normal after a medicated cycle? Or do strange things happen? Like being late, not ovulating or getting pregnant?! I prefer the later of the three. Imagine my dreams coming true, of being pregant before turning 40, just the thought makes me giddy enough to pee a little.

Recuperating

2011-01-27T19:45:00.008-06:00

It seems like decades ago that I last posted. Considering how often I typically write, I suppose it has been a while and with the tone of my last post, it probably sounded as though I was in a pretty bad place, and I was. To put things into perspective, it's not every day that I feel so defeated by life and the circumstances of the day to day events. Most of the time I smile, I laugh and I enjoy life rather than enduring it. This past week however, I had resorted to enduring life. I was depleted of optimism, I was exhausted from being beat down, I just wanted for us to get a stinking break. What I failed to do is appreciate some of the breaks we did get over the course of the last few weeks. So without further ado:

Hubs was promoted at work, he was a director promoted to an account executive taking over his predecessors role on the city's account. I am not sure if I discussed hubs career before, so I will use this an opportunity to brag on him a bit right now. He started off at an entry level position of IT (Information Technology), which is the Help Desk. My husband is so brilliant in my eyes, so while I am not surprised he has reached the level he has with no formal education, I am incredibly proud of him. He is one of those people that just have this natural innate ability to master a trait in ways that cannot be taught. I believe your mind has to operate a certain way and if it does not, it simply can not be learned. Needless to say, he is an extremely technical person with the perfect mix of business savvy that is really hard to find at times. To understand both pieces of the business the way he does is super impressive to me, I really look up to and admire him. I actually have a bit of a crush on him, truth be told. Him speaking business, is sometimes like foreplay for me, so incredibly sexy. Anyhow, he went from entry level to executive level over the course of the last 10 years of his career. He was worked extremely hard, many, many long hours and he continues to learn and grow, so I am a very proud wife. With that said, I don't know if his promotion was as much of a break as it was well deserved. Regardless, it's something to be thankful for, and we are.

Hubs has been dabbling in a new online bidding/auction site and won an iPad for a few dollars!!! I have been using it a lot to read blogs and surf the net, love it!!!! The quality of the screen display is amazing in comparison to a laptop. I might have a crush on Apple too, I already love my iPhone, the iPad is just as cool.

I went last Saturday night to my new favorite pastime, Painting with a Twist and finally got to paint a portrait I have been eyeballing for a while now. My friend Macey joined me, we had dinner with the boys first then ditched them for our night of painting. It was a really nice evening. Here is my master piece, The Red Door:

Roxie is doing well. She had her surgery and is recovering. Prior to her surgery, the vet gave us some doggy tranquilizers to give her if she started to fuss with her bandaged ear too much...she did and so we medicated. The dosage was 4 pills, but that seemed high, so we gave her only 3 that evening. In the morning she couldn’t even stand to go outside. I was scared to death, woke my husband up to come check on her. We eventually got her to stand and then walk, but it wasn’t pretty. We notified the vet of this instance and also let them know that last time she went under, she had a difficult time coming back from the anesthesia.....we really were worried about doing the surgery for that reason. They decided to start her off with minimal dosages and then gradually increment them accordingly based on her response. She is 117lb dog, they started with the dose for a 30 lb dog and our girl was out cold!!!! It's no wonder she was slow to recover from the previous surgery and couldn’t walk from the pills we gave her -she was being severely over medicated, probably to life a threatening degree. We are thankful she is doing well. Here is a pic of her with the ridiculous cone they put on her. Seriously?! Hubs had to trim it way back just so she could eat and drink food.

I received an outpouring of emails, phone calls, texts and comments from some many wonderful people who remind me I am not alone in this outlandish journey. From the depths of my heart, I thank you. It's very humbling to have such a wonderful circle of friends. People have asked how I am doing, and I was brewing up a post in my mind to try and explain where I am at mentally, and then I read Adele's blog today and couldn’t have summarized it better, so I hope you don’t mind Adele, but I am going to quote you because it's as though you took the thoughts out of mind and compiled them on your blog post in such a way that I couldn't have said it better myself.

"Do you ever scratch your head and wonder how it is that you are here? Part of me still doesn’t believe it. I look at the past few years and it’s as if I’m looking at some other woman’s story. It’s a tear-jerker of a story. I even feel sorry for her.

(To paraphrase Akhmatova: No, not mine: this is somebody else's wound./I could never have borne it.)
I can’t shake the feeling that this is all some huge mistake. That I’m not meant to be here. That one day I’ll wake up from this strange dream."

To answer her question, yes I do wonder how and when I arrived here. And it is this horrific place that nobody wants to be because everyone on the outside either doesn’t get it or looks at you filled with pity. When did we become the pitied couple? When did we find ourselves smack dab in the middle of IF?! It seems very surreal, yet we have no choice but to carry on and do what we can to beat this shitty set of circumstances.
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Dr CM called me the other day, she wrote up a lab request for me to get everything tested that I requested prior to starting the DHEA. I already have it in hand, I am waiting for CD 3 to get my blood tests done because I want to retest my FSH. I am around 13 DPO today, so I should be getting that test in the next week or so. I will also be scheduling my Hysteroscopy as soon as my period arrives in the next couple of days, so I should be having that done in the next week or so.
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The temps hit the mid 60's today and the sun was shining bright. It felt good. If on your worst days you ever wonder if there is a God or where He is , just watch a sunset or sunrise. Look at the rays of the sun shining through the clouds. Look in the mirror, you'll see some of his finest work.

2011 to Date

2011-01-22T09:43:00.002-06:00

Thus far in the few short weeks of 2011, we have:

Experienced our last failed IUI cycle
Had a very unpleasant and dissappointing conversation about said failed cycle with a friend that makes me question our friendship and whether it will ever be the same again
Our furbaby girl Roxie has been to the vet 3 times costing $1500 with an impending surgery Monday
My husband's crown fell off , you know the ones that cost close to 1k
I had the most stressful 3 weeks of work than I have had in many many years. I actually cried at work Thursday (over work stuff...normally if I cry at work it's a personal breakdown) - that is a very rare occurrence for me - I cannot remember the last time work got to me that badly, I think it was 4 or 5 years ago.
A fellow IF friend of mine who I met on a forum several years ago has been trying to conceive for over three years, succeeded after 5 failed IUI/IVF cycles. She was just about to clear the first trimester when an ultra sound detected no heartbeat. I will write another post on this, but I am very sad for her.

To say the least it's been a very difficult month for us thus far and there's still 9 days left. And as if that were not enough, I have an impending birthday looming over me that I prefer not to acknowledge, let alone celebrate. Having another birthday with an empty womb is hard enough, entering into the fourth decade of my life with an empty womb presents a whole other set of emotions.

There are good things that happened, but the scale is tipping too far to the crappy-side that I am just too tired to acknowledge and appreciate them right now.

Mundane Morsels

2011-01-18T13:16:00.002-06:00

Hysteroscopy: It looks like I will have this procedure done in the upcoming weeks, I have to call & schedule it when I get my period, as it is best performed when the lining is thin, so sometime in the early follicular phase of the cycle. Because it’s a new year, none of the medical deductibles have been met, so this will be our first use of the insurance that will force us to pay a large sum out of pocket. My primary insurance will not cover the procedure because it’s IF related, fortunately hubs was wise enough to keep me on his insurance policy this year after I insisted it was ok for him to drop me months ago. We originally had him add me to the policy for diagnostic tests last year and unfortunately didn’t squeeze this procedure in then. So thankful we have the coverage for it.

Work: We have moved into our new location and things are still a bit crazy after moving 600 people. I am responsible for all the company hardware & software computer, network and server equipment so it wasn’t as easy as just moving me and my desk. We had to coordinate the move for my entire room full of assets which was downsized from 1000 sq ft of space to 600 sq ft. The last few weeks have been extremely busy and more stressful than I am accustomed to- that’s not how I roll typically. But, I have a gorgeous floor to ceiling panel of windows in my new office space that overlooks some lovely landscaping, very peaceful and nice to look out at and see the sky/sun/clouds. It really is a beautiful campus, we have a full size gym with yoga room and showers/changing rooms that have a spa like feel to them. There’s a Lake out back with a mile long walkway that goes around it- full basketball courts for the guys (I have never seen girls play). Once we get settled I fully expect to start enjoying my new surroundings.

Diet/Exercise: My goal was to lose 6lbs for the rest of the month of January, so far I am down 4, with only 2 more pounds to go. I was down 5 lbs but then we went to Texas de Brazil yesterday and I ate more food than I should have, so I gained 1 lb back! Now that the work gym is open (and I have 24X7 access to it) I am back to working out this week- cardio and yoga. I anticipate that I will be able to shake the last two pounds by month end. Next month my goal is 8lbs.

Health: My hair is falling out like crazy, in clumps again, for weeks now, it’s awful. My most recent blood labs show my TSH rising still –it’s almost up to 3 on the new compound meds and I had it down to 1.18 on Synthroid. I am highly agitated with Dr M because she stated she would adjust my meds accordingly based on the blood labs, yet she has yet to make a change in the last two months and now wants me to come and see her before adjusting it again. Every visit with her is $275 out of pocket and I simply cannot spend that much money just to get my meds adjusted when I am already doing my due diligence by going to get tested each month. So I am quitting the compound meds, they are costing me much more than the Synthroid each month, are harder to get and harder to get adjusted. I have not seen enough benefits or improvements from taking them to justify the added expense or frustrations. I have a few days left and will switch back to my old Synthroid prescription then, and let my GP continue to manage my thyroid. Dr CM agreed it was best to switch back to the Synthroid, as compound meds are not regulated by the FDA and they can’t be sure I am getting the proper dosages in each pill, which might explain why my TSH is rising. My Thyroid needs to be in optimal shape when we begin IVF so I am hoping that when I make the switch, it will adjust back fairly quickly.

DHEA: I have an email into DR CM to get my baseline levels checked before starting DHEA and seeing if she wants to prescribe a pharmaceutical grade or if over the counter should suffice. I dug up some pretty recent blood labs where my testosterone was in range but my DHEA (urine) was high. I don’t want to start it if it’s already high or problematic.

Volunteer Work: I had my first volunteer work day at Children’s Medical Center this past Sunday for 20+ kids and families in the Center for Cancer and Blood Disorder wing. I helped my friend Libby throw a Winter Party filled with lots of craft activities & snacks. So much fun for the kids and parents who clearly needed the mindless activity as much as some of the children. I initially thought it would be difficult seeing such young ones in that position, but it was beyond rewarding and brought a smile to my face, seeing them so happy.

The Decorated Room

A Decorated IV Pole - Winner!

Fur baby: Our eldest girl Roxie had to go to the vet Friday, her ear lobe was swollen and filled with fluid. Come to find out it’s called a Aural Hematoma and is rather common. We had it aspirated but as they suspected it refilled with fluid again. They can do surgery to remove it permanently but our girl does not fare well under anesthesia so we are reserved to have her put under for something fairly minor. It will resolve itself in time but until then it can be an annoyance to the dog and cause ear deformity, much like boxers cauliflower ears. I think her safety outweighs her vanity at this point and time. In addition to the ear issue, she is having fungal skin issues again. Usually a round of antibiotics keeps it at bay for a while but it just seems to keep resurfacing. We are giving it another round of meds, but this is at least the third or fourth time and we are kind of at a loss with what to do next. They want us to see a skin specialist next. I think she is just old and this goes with the territory….we will definitely get pet insurance next pet, between her and my expenses, we are money pits.

Vacation: I have been doing some research on Belize – it’s only a 4 hr direct flight way from DFW and yet seems like it’s worlds away. I have more research to do but I am leaning towards Coco Plum which is a private Island. Check it out here. Our days would be filled with snorkeling, kayaking, walking the beach, laying in the Hammock , boating, fishing, swimming napping and eating and doing it all over again.

I want to be there right now!

Plan C

2011-01-16T09:50:00.006-06:00

I recently had someone ask me what Plan C was if IVF didn't work and I must say I was caught off guard. It's unlike me to have a plan without a backup plan, but because IVF is our backup plan, I was fresh out of plans and realized it was time to go back to the drawing board yet again..... Except this time, it's a bit more frightening, a lot less exciting and the prognosis isn't good.

If we do this IVF cycle and it doesn't work, of course our hope is that we would have frozen embryos left over from the first try to do a frozen transfer. However that would mean that we would need to get at least 5 fertilized out of the first try and in all reality, that would be wonderful but very unlikely at my age. I am being a realist....I have done way to much research and reading to know any different or try to kid myself. And please don't tell me to be positive because I already am by investing thousands upon thousands of dollars into this cycle, I wouldn't if I didn't optimisticly believe there was an even greater chance beyond the quoted statistics of success rates with IVF for women my age.... Let's remember they are rarely higher than 30%. If moving forward knowing that isn't being optimistic - then I don't know what is. For some reason I have noticed that people like to tell me to remain positive when I am being realistic and it just rubs me the wrong way. Really? When is that last time you made a $20k gamble? That's what I thought, now shut it!!!!

Back to then plan... If we do not have frozen embryos to transfer, well I'm afraid we won't be doing anything in terms of ART treatments any time soon. Our funds will be depleted yet again and I refuse to go into debt trying to get pregnant. I could not live with paying off a loan after a failed cycle, and yes if it worked it might be worth it, but I'm not willing to take that risk. Infertility has a tendency to tug at my bitterness strings and I could not imagine just how angry and bitter I would be if we were paying off a debt for treatment with empty hands and broken hearts.

Which leads us to the million dollar question...... what about adoption?! We spent some time looking into this a while ago only to be really discouraged and defeated by our findings. Adoption quotes at several agencies were $36k. I don't know about you, but we don't have 36k sitting around as spare change. And I am so disgusted by the fact that an agency can charge such outrageous fee's for a child that needs a home, that I cannot find peace with that right now and perhaps ever. I may address this again in the future, but right now I am still too angry about it all.

And so we have arrived.... If we come out of this empty handed (and empty pockets) then then next best thing is to live the lives we always dreamed of minus the children. It is going to take A LOT to mend and heal this broken heart....it will not be an ordinary mundane life we go back to. It will take something spectacular, something others only dream of. Hubs and I discussed it briefly last week. If we were forced to live child free, we would move away to somewhere tropical. like an island, and even if we had to work still, we would be in the most beautiful place where we could walk to work barefoot on the sandy beach. Somewhere that made it feel like we we're retired already because really what is the point of wasting all of this precious time living like robots. Maybe I would teach yoga on the beach?

Me instructing yoga - with my girls on the beach the morning of my wedding
St Thomas US Virgin Islands 8.8.8

The Instructor I hired never showed up, so rather than cancelling, I instructed myself.

It turned out just lovely, a great way to start the day.

While our lives are nice, sometimes I feel like Corporate America robots who wake up, get ready for work, make a commute, sit in front of computers all day long and then drive home in traffic yet again. While it works, while it pays the bills, the quality of life quite blatantly, kind of sucks. I want more than this, if I can't spend my life committed to raising and loving and nurturing a child, then I want to spend the rest of it committed to living. loving and nurturing my husband, our marriage and myself...my soul. I can promise you that will require drastic change....and another puppy, perhaps named fester.

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen... Plan C. I never thought I would see or hear the words come out of my mouth or keyboard, but at our ages I just don't see carrying on anymore, we can take a sign or hint from the universe...perhaps parenthood is not in our cards, not part of the plan. We have worked hard, we have been determined and resilient, but at some point you just have to know when to the fold em. I personally cannot put much more time energy or money into this mission. And that doesn't mean that I don't want it more than anything in the world...but I know God has and will continue to bless us with his Grace, to take us out of our pain & struggle and move us into a place of acceptance. He will not put a desire in our hearts that he won't see come to pass...and so he can either help bring it to pass or remove the desire.

But before we get way to far ahead of ourselves, I will bring myself back to the here and now. I have read some wonderful things about DHEA and the case studies done on it. I have high hopes that it will have a positive influence on our upcoming IVF cycle. I am going to request some baselines blood labs before I start so that we can monitor it as best we can (thanks Adele for this suggestion). While we are hopeful it can't do any harm and only good, I would prefer to have numbers to quantify and assure us of that.