Falling in Love

It’s true, I am happily married, yet I find myself falling quickly in love with another boy. I can’t help myself, his beauty captivates me, tugs at my heart strings. He is loveable and affectionate and smiles at me all the time. I had lunch with him yesterday and he actually reached his arms out toward me for me to take him in my arms. I couldn’t resist. So I had to come clean with my husband and sent him this picture of me kissing my new heart throb:

Me and Baby Jake

Things have been going well since my sisters arrival. I have seen her and the baby on a few occasions now, but most of our visits have been limited to a couple hours or less. The focus remains on the baby when we do get together.

I did invite them for dinner last weekend, and we did meet for lunch a couple times. The women she is staying with is only 5 miles from my work and about 15 from my home. It is convenient enough to see him when I want, but enough of a buffer to make it comfortable for me all at the same time.

My sister has been ok, we haven’t had any conflict since she has been here. I’m certain there were a few situations where had I spoken up about a couple discerning things it could have gone south quickly, so I refrained. It’s easier that way. It is a very awkward position to be in, not casting judgment or concern for my nephews health, just to salvage my relationship with her. The two times I wanted to say something was a) when the babies clothes smelled like smoke from her smoking in the car with him (her car smells like an ashtray) and b) when she straw fed him some of her ice tea sweetened with sweet & low. I cringed severely about both. Babies are supposed to smell like babies and sweet & low is poisen that nobody should consume. I am trying to figure out a way to delicately present the sweet & low issue to her. She knows I am a health nut, so maybe she won’t take it personally, and I won’t mention her feeding it to him, it will be more out of a concern for her. Thoughts? I could just introduce her to Stevia. Who knows.

Anyhow, she got a job already, which means she is not leaving. Which means Auntie Kim will be preparing her house to have a little one around on occasion(s). Which is really exciting for me. I can practice my mommy skills on him, and that makes me excited and thrilled. And while a nephew will never replace me having my own child, it will certainly help to fill a void of a childless existence. The Lord works in amazing ways. He has certainly eased many sorrows this year thus far, all I can do is bow down in gratitude for blessing me with His Amazing Grace. It’s as though he has wrapped his arms around me, filling my heart with love and joy by making me forget about what I don’t have and giving thanks for all that I do. Praise God.

My sister has let me know that all of her childcare arrangements will be taken care of, however if I ever want to take Jake, including overnight, that he is all mine. She made it very clear that it’s only when I want to, never as a “babysitter”. I am relieved she has not attempted to overstep any boundaries thus far.

With all of that said, I have not spent a dime on that baby yet (well except for a book I am in the process of making using Picaboo) – so that means auntie has some shopping to do this weekend! I will not bail her out financially, but I will spoil the heck out of him. That’s what aunties do, after all.

Déjà Vu

I received a text on my phone yesterday that left me rather stunned and with a few other mixed emotions. The text read:

“Don’t know if you have plans this weekend but I will be there with Jake if you would like to meet him :-) we are staying at The Colony”

Ummm, ok. The text is from my sister, Jake is my nephew whom I have never met since me and my sister haven’t spoken in years, up until a couple weeks ago. The Colony is a city 20 minutes away from our home. Needless to say I am a bit stunned.

Now of course I am absolutely thrilled to meet the little guy. But I have to say I am a bit apprehensive about seeing and spending time with her. In all honestly this feels somewhat awkward, going from no communication for years, to conversations I can count on both hands over the past two weeks, to “I’m on my way there.’ Wow. My head is spinning.

My sister lives in KY but has spent the past few weeks at my parents in NC. She is unemployed and leaving the baby’s father (she is not married). For those that don’t know, she has an 19 year old son whom she raised without a father as well. Apparently, she is looking for jobs everywhere, and has a friend here in Dallas so she applied for a job and has an interview scheduled for Monday (gasp), thus the trip here. Fortunately she didn’t ask to stay with us, nor will I be extending that offer. While we are on speaking terms, I am not ready to jump into bed with her just yet (if ever).

Some things you should know about my sister:

• She is one year older than me (42)

• She has never been married (ok once she was for a couple months, but I think it got annulled – this was the blow out that was the begining of the silent treatment for four years, when I advised her she should wait longer than a couple months to marry this creep, come to find out he had been married to several other women at the same time- the marriage lasted months, the fight with me, nearly 4 years)

• She has moved at least 12 times in her life that I can count, I’m sure more (this is only from state to state, this does not count local moves)

• 90% of those moves were while my nephew was of school age.

• She smoked both pregnancies and smokes with babies in the car.

• She is habitual about choosing bad men, let alone fathers to her children.

Many years ago, I moved out to CA for a change of pace and to advance my career. I lived there for 8 years. Around my 6th year there, she decided she was going to move there along with my nephew and a boyfriend at the time, who ended up being another winner. I advised against it. I let her know that even with a decent salary, as a single women, I was barely making ends meet due to cost of living. I wasn’t poor, but I was living month to month, a little to close for comfort. I didn’t think it was a great place for a single mom to try and come and raise a child. I also didn’t have the means to help her should she get in a bind, and let her know that she couldn’t count on me for any financial help.

Against my advice, she moved there anyway. Within months of her doing so, I had to move in with her to help her get by, as she was struggling with rent and expenses as I predicted she would (and the loser boyfriend left).

Not too long after I moved in with her, my now husband and I decided to move to Dallas, which left her in a bit of pickle. Unfortunately I couldn’t base my decisions on her poor choices, I had to continue to live my life. She ended up leaving CA shortly thereafter and it wasn’t much longer after that we stopped speaking due to the completely unrelated blowout.

Is it just me or does this feel like déjà vu ? I helped my sister raise my now older nephew when he was the new nephews current age. I watched her make the same decisions and use the same poor discretion. To have a repeat of the same or similar situation 18 years later could be very harmful.

My husband is very leery of the entire situation, with just cause. I can’t say that I blame him a bit. He doesnt believe it a coincidence that she made amends two weeks prior to announcing she was coming here for an interview. Alterior motives? Who knows.

While I recognize the importance of letting go of the past, I also recognize the value of learning from past mistakes. And that is where the word boundaries keeps coming to the forefront of my mind. In hindsight, I really feel like she took advantage of me in CA. She put me in a really bad position and I admittingly harbored some resentment towards her for doing so. It was not fair to me, and I should've stood my ground, but I just couldn’t sit by and watch her sink, so I rescued her.

I am not sharing all of this information to toot my own horn, nor am I trying to make myself out to be a hero. I could really care less about that. The details being shared are coming from a therapeutic standpoint, much of what I learned about myself and our relationship in hindsight during some of my therapy sessions.

So the reality of the current situation is, it’s very possible she will move here if she gets that job. Let me rephrase, she will move here if she gets this job. While I would love nothing more than being a part of my nephews lives again, (probably both of them) the idea of having her so close and potentially overstepping those boundaries scares the crap out of me. I am not afraid of my ability to create or define those boundaries. I fear two things:

• Crap hitting the fan again between us, because I am not “allowed” to criticize her or say anything about her parenting skills (this was one of her conditions when she called to make amends, which I did not technically agree too, I simply stated anything I ever said was out of love and concern for my nephew which she could not hold against me). So now what? I have to watch her sit and smoke around the baby? Drag him across country and take him away from his father? This is going to put me in a really bad position, because I don’t know if I can bite my tongue, especially considering how much I value the ability to bear children and the privilege it is to have one. Watching her abuse both honors, well it crushes me from the inside out.

• Crap hitting the fan between us again because she end up moving here and right off the bat needs help or gets herself in a bind at some point and while we are in a position financially to assist her, I dont think I can do so. Not after what she did to me last go round. Plus my life is different now, I am married, pursuing fertility treatments soon, taking care of my health issues, I am my number one priority right now.

I am in a really strange place emotionally. I have decided that I will need to proceed with caution, keeping her at arm’s length, just to salvage our relationship. Meeting and seeing my nephew is going to make me very happy on many levels, but I’m also fearful of what other emotions it might stir-up. I am most definitely not wearing my beer goggles, I am completely aware of how complicated this could be. I think it's time to say a few prayers.

Stabilizing

I completed the second phase of my diet yesterday and ended the round with a total of 24.40 lbs released, 4.5 points off my BMI, and over 15 combined inches. Considering some of the hurdles I had to get over, including being hypothyroid as well as having 2 periods and 1 ovulation appear and disrupt my progress, I am very pleased with the outcome. I am sad to be moving onto the next phase, merely because after finding something that works after 3+ years, I simply do not want to stop now, but I must.

This next phase of the program is what’s known as stabilization. I now have to take the next three weeks to reset my hypothalamus to my new weight. This is the most critical part of the program, because if I fail here, I will just gain weight when I go back to “normal” eating. However, if you do this correctly, you will be able to eat normal again and not gain weight (providing you stay within your calorie range, etc). I cannot go 2lbs above or below my lowest dosage weight during the next 3 weeks, thus stabilizing. The three weeks following that, I will probably resume exercise as I prepare for my second round. If all goes as well as expected, I should be down anywhere from 50-60lbs for our upcoming IVF cycle. I think Dr CM is going to be thrilled when she sees me, she is unaware of this weight loss. I have done some research on BMI and IVF success rates. While it is a big factor in success rates of younger women, as you get older studies show it becomes less of a factor. I am going to contact DR CM and see if she feels it would be worth delaying IVF for a couple months just so I can do a third round and lose my last 20-30 lbs before beginning IVF. My guess is she is going to say the aging eggs trumps the BMI factor at that point, but it certainly can’t hurt to ask.

Peculiarly, my urgency to pursue IVF treatments has diminished tremendously, hopefully more than my ovarian reserve. I am not sure if I should be concerned about that or not. I am sure my RE will think I should be, and I am equally as sure that my naturopath doctor will think not. I guess it all depends on who you ask.

When I first started trying to conceive over 3 years ago, I joined the TWW message boards where I connected with a group of girls age 35 and up. As of this past month, they have all had children or are pregnant! I am so excited, and find it so inspiring. This is one situation where I don’t mind finishing last, as long as I finish! 

The Year of Reprieve

It seems I don't have much to blog about lately, I have been busy purging away these excess pounds and staying focused on my goals. One week ago,  I celebrated a birthday,  I am officially 41 and I'm feeling at peace with that, it's simply a number and not an indicator of anything else, except how great this year is going so far.

As of this morning I have released 18.20 pounds of pure fat!! That's 73 sticks of butter!!!! Yowzer!!! It's hard to believe after all of the blogs I have written about not being able to lose weight, that I am finally writing blogs in the midst of it melting away. It's kind of surreal.  I would imagine this is what it feels like when one finally becomes pregnant and delivers a baby, after struggling with infertility - somewhat unbelievable. Every day I say a prayer giving thanks for being here, for my success thus far, and my success to come. I have measured the total inches I have lost as well, but that number slips my mind at the moment. My pants are getting too big, but it seems the weight is coming off in all areas, pretty evenly. I still cannot tell when I look at myself in the mirror, but I would imagine it will be a similar experience as when I gained all the weight and one day didn't recognize myself in the mirror. It was horrifying....I look forward to this new realization being a much more positive experience this time around. Perhaps I'll kiss the girl in the mirror.

So today, at exactly 11:11 my phone rang. For my long time followers, you know there's a significance to that number (Read all 8 posts with background on that here).  My hands where soiled with food, so I didn't answer. It wasn't a number I recognized, so I checked the message and it was my sister. We haven't spoken (on good terms) in years. She called to make amends. We spoke for about an hour...I thought it would be an awkward exchange, but it was actually like no time had passed at all. Not that we began where we left off by any means, it will take some time to get there,  but I feel cautiously optimistic that we can have somewhat of a civil relationship at this point. I made it clear to her that I didn't want to miss anymore of that babies life, almost a full year I have missed out on already, I am thrilled that I get a chance to be an auntie! Look at this beauty:



Jake

 At the beginning of this year, I had a hard time believing that it was going to be a good year, or at least one any different from the past three.  I had learned to live with the multiple shitty hands I had been dealt with my health and infertility and accepted them both as the way my life was.....however I was also committed to still finding answers, without being attached to the outcome. This experience has taught me to never give up, the importance of resilience and not accepting a situation as your destiny. I now have proven to myself, that I can do it. I can, with the proper determination and will power, control my circumstances. I don't have to settle for anything less.

I have also learned that a little prayer goes a long way. I had been praying recently about my situation with my sister, I had been contemplating making amends myself. I felt like this had gone on long enough, however I knew it had to be her who approached me, she needed to be ready herself. Never did I imagine how soon it would manifest from the time that my initial thoughts and prayers originated. It had only been a few short weeks. I realize the relationship between her and I may never be the same, it actually shouldn't be the same.... and that's ok with me....sometimes we have to stay focused on the greater good. If I want a relationship with my nephew, I will have to redefine ours.

IVF is still penciled in for June/July - if that goes as well as everything else has been this year, then 2012 will certainly be the year that goes down in the book of records. The year of miracles and blessings.

Melting Away and Dreams that Melt my Heart

It's been a bit over a week since my last update, and I am proud to report that I continue to lose weight! My total loss to date is 15.2 lbs! My pants are feeling really loose and coworkers and acquantices are starting to notice the weight coming off! Hallelujiah! I couldn't be happier!

The NY Giants won the Super Bowl this year, last time they won was the year hubs and I got married. I have high hopes that this win will be an indicator of even better things to come this year!

And if that is not enough of an indicator, perhaps this little email shared with me by an old friend today was enough to give me the warm fuzzies..It  was so bizzarre, I had to share. I just received the below Facebook email from a friend I haven't seen in nearly 20 years. We are FB friends, but just really casual, meaning we don't really speak on a regular basis and it's our only form of communication. Read on:

Hey Lady! What's going on?? OK Don't think I'm weird...I had a dream about you the other day (no, not THAT kind of dream!) It was really vivid but good and positive. Then I drove my kids to school this morning and the song "Dazzey Dukes"came on the radio, which totally reminds me of YOU! Now... is there something going on that I should be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers? Please don't think I'm a freak but this has happened to me a few times before. LOve you lots!!

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20 minutes ago Kim

HA! You are so cute! Well nothing I am aware of that you should be praying over. I did have surgery back in December (a laparoscopy) and they found endo and removed it, and said our chances of conceiving go up over the next 6 months! So hopefully your dream is a premonition of some sort? I also found a diet to lose weight after not being able to for the past 3 years, so I am ecstatic! This year is off to great start! :) Dazzey Dukes!! teee heee, love you! Thanks for sharing your dream even though you left out the details...but if it was good, I hope whatever it is come true :)

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6 minutes Karyn ........I will tell u because now I know. Basically I was with you and you were praying to Mary (mother of God). And literally right after we talked the doctor called you and said u were expecting a girl! And u said u were naming her Mary. I know that seems crazy. But I have had other dreams just twice before and they always came to fruition! I will keep u in my prayers and I KNOW a miracle is on its way to you! I am so glad you are doing well!! :)

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about a minute agoKim

I LOVE YOUR Dream!!!! OMG! I hope it comes true - :) Thank you for sharing, you just made my day! And thank you for your prayers :)

          Karyn ......Start a novena to Mary today please!!!


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